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Ernie's House of Whoopass! September 15, 2011
September 15, 2011

What Did You Expect For Five Grand, Agent 47?

On the local front, this story of a woman who tried to hire a hitman to kill her husband has been all over the news lately. I think this lady deserves to go to jail not only for trying to have her husband killed, but for complete and utter stupidity. From the article, she was arrested in a 2011 Audi convertible -- Audi has a few cabriolet models to choose from, ranging anywhere from $41,300 to $59,300. Well yes, there's the R8 Spyder, but at $128k, I think we can assume that's not a viable option. Now keep in mind, those are starting prices, so realistically she's driving around in a $50,000 car. Now she must know that her hitman-to-be sees her driving up in this nice set of wheels.... why in the hell would she think he'd agree to commit a murder for a paltry $5,000? I mean doesn't that scream setup? There are no discount hit-men. You do not get to use coupons, or negotiate some crazy 3 for 1 deal. Any reputable hitman worth his bones would see her driving up in that car and ask for at least $25,000 cash, not some busted ass Harley Davidson. It's just a perfect example of you get what you pay for. I would however point out that while her Facebook profile is locked up tighter than a drum, she does seem to have a nice set of tits in her profile picture.

Speaking of big tits, how about those hacked Scarlett Johansson nude photos, eh? I have to be honest, I'm a little disappointed though. I mean when you see her in pictures like these, you think her tits are going to be fucking epic. But those cell phone pics? Eh. So-so. Which I suppose is why they're not getting the greatest reactions from people.

Hey quick question for you. Who dropped the atomic bombs on Japan? President Harry S. Truman, right? Well who kicked Saddam Hussein out of Kuwait? That was President George H. W. Bush. Okay, well who rescued the 101st Airborne during the Battle of the Bulge? General George S. Patton, am I right? Actually no, you're wrong on all counts. Truman didn't drop the bombs on Japan, the aircrews of the Enola Gay and Bockscar did; and even then if you want to split hairs, it was bombadiers USN Captain William S. Parsons and USAF Captain Kermit Beahan. And GHWB didn't punt Saddam from Kuwait -- Saddam wasn't even in Kuwait, his army was and likewise it was the US military that did the actual heavy lifting, not GHWB. General Patton marching to the Ardennes? Sure, him and his Third Army. But when we refer to these events in history we don't say, "Shoooeee boy, I remember when Colonel Paul W. Tibbets, Captain Robert A. Lewis, Major Thomas Ferebee, Captain Theodore Van Kirk, U.S. Navy Captain William S. Parsons, Lieutenant Jacob Beser, Second Lieutenant Morris R. Jeppson, Technical Sergeant George R. "Bob" Caron, Technical Sergeant Wyatt E. Duzenberry, Sergeant Joe S. Stiborik, Sergeant Robert H. Shumard, and Private First Class Richard H. Nelson bombed Hiroshima!" Instead we say Truman dropped the bomb. It's just a figure of speech. So when you see something like this commemorating the offshore drilling of OBL's forehead, I think it's complete horse shit when people get their panties all in a wad. Figure of speech, people. Just like Gorbachev tearing down that wall, Khrushchev blinking back in 1962, and Al Gore inventing the internet Reagan bombing Khadafi.

On that note: In late 1942, the United States Army Corps of Engineers purchased 59,000 acres of countryside northwest of Knoxville, Tennessee, enough land to build four cities the size of Manhattan. If that wasn't enough to get the locals asking questions, next they built three massive facilities on the property. And when I say massive, we mean that one of them was the largest building in the world at that time. Soon, 75,000 people flooded into town and began working there, and a mob of construction workers began erecting a city to house them. And still, nobody knew what the hell was going on. Even the people who worked at the giant facilities didn't know what was going on. Perhaps spookiest of all, despite having enough people to have its own minor league baseball team, the town didn't appear on any maps. Perhaps the biggest mind fuck of all was how everyone learned just what the hell was going on: in the newspaper articles the day after the U.S. dropped the first atomic bomb on Japan.

E you are right about warp 14, in the last episode of TNG "All Good Things" when Captain Picard is moving between three different realities thanks to Q, in the reality latest on the timeline when he is an old man on board Captin Beverly Picards medical ship the USS Currie they cross into Klingon territory, who they are at war with at this time, to find the singularity she orders a reverse course at warp 14. Also Admiral Riker orders the Enterprise to help them at the same velocity. Now I just wish I could find a girl that was impressed by all this useless star trek knowledge. Rob

Ernie, I snapped this photo in the Pits near Victory Lane at the Nascar race in Richmond this past weekend. This photo was taken right after the announcement for gentlemen start you engines and she got excited. Steve

Here's some movie trivia for you. In the finale of xXx starring Vin Diesel, Harry L. O'Connor, Diesel's stunt double, was killed in an accident during filming. The final action sequence had O'Connor/Diesel rappeling down a parasailing line and landing on a submarine armed with chemical weaspons. When O'Connor failed to rappel down the line fast enough, he hit the Charles Bridge at high speed and was killed instantly. His death was caught on film, and director Rob Cohen decided to include the footage of the scene with the final moments edited out — out of respect for the stuntman's final act.

It was quite a weekend in the NFL and week one is officially in the books! I've analyzed the performance of every single cheerleader in every single game played and put together your official power rankings. Okay, maybe not every single cheerleader.. but enough of them to rain down judgement on all 32 teams. Let's get this party started.

Ernie, I found some more footage you may find worth posting from the recent flooding in NE Pennsylvania. Yes, that's a frigging house floating down the river. This occurred on the Susquehanna River in Tunkhannock, PA. Thanks for posting my previous related link, and hope you'll find use for this one as well....Derrick

Hey Ernie,I was flipping channels the other day and saw a women tennis game for a few seconds, no really, only a few seconds. That got me thinking about the grunts. With a quick Google search I found this. Gotta go Victoria Azarenka got me excited... Shawn J.

Check out this video where Adam Frucci unpacks a 2012 Toyota Yaris from a huge box. As he pages through the huge instructions, you’ll get the gist of the message here. The focus on the car, not on all the extras we all seem to be obsessed with these days.

Oh, and given how much Jersey girls love cock, I wonder what they'd do with this one.

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attention anyone who is for gun control: this guy is on your side. therefore, you lose. that is all.

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