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Ernie's House of Whoopass! October 5, 2011
October 5, 2011

I Find My Joy At 2612 Santa Barbara Blvd, Cape Coral, FL.

As we saunted into October, that means two things are on the horizon: the season premire of The Walking Dead, and Grumpkins. And one of the more creepier zombies seen in the first episode of The Walking Dead is the affectionately named Bicycle Girl. After Rick leaves the hospital, there is a zombie in the park that is near the bicycle and it's a zombie chick half eaten. She crawls away through the park and it's just freaky to watch. Kudos to the FX and makeup crew for making a rather freaky zombie -- seen here at the at the 1:02 mark, and again at 3:10. This story, made exclusively for the web and directed by Greg Nicotero, tells the tale of The Walking Dead's most iconic walkers.

And despite what they showed you in the season one finale, here's the entrance to the real CDC in Atlanta. Because the government likes their privacy and they go to great lengths to keep it. But not all of their secret facilities are located in labyrinthine cave systems, inside volcanoes or hovering in a cloud bank. They have thousands of perfectly normal buildings spread all over the country that they use to conduct their secret operations. They're usually grouped in purposefully pedestrian-looking office buildings, discreetly unlabeled and carefully designed to be utterly forgettable. And we're not talking about the DMV here. These are serious agencies: The Fort Meade cluster in Florida is the largest of these facilities, and it's the headquarters of the NSA. The area, sitting right out there in the open, is so top secret that if you approach it, your GPS will send you into a series of U-turns thanks to the government jamming the signal. If you take a picture near one of these buildings, uniformed guards will emerge--oftentimes from concealed security stations--to ask you for your personal information and to delete the pictures from your camera. Keith McCammon experienced this first hand when he accidentally photographed an unmarked office building which turned out to be the location of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.

As for the latter, longtime EHOWA readers will recognize the workd of Patrick Moser, who carved huve 1,000 lb pumpkins into what he called Grumpkins. Patrick and I usually exchanged a few pleasantries each year around Halloween, where I'd send a few plugs his way, similar to what i do with Alek's Controllable Halloween Lights (which aren't online yet, but should be soon).

From 2005: Dear Ernie, Over the past few years Multiple Sclerosis has made my life interesting by pretty much destroying it, but that's ok as that life sucked anyhow. Now the last two seasons I have brought home little pumpkins for the sole purpose of creating something right up your alley. Alas my disease and last year's surprise performance in Hong Kong prevented me from doing that. So Ernie for all the hard work you put into brightening my day I stopped everything and made time for you. Presenting Miss Valerie Greavage 75 pounds at the start. 7 hours of work later she's 30 pounds lighter and simple gorgeous. Enjoy Ernie and thanks once again for all your effort and of course all the traffic. Valerie's pages can be found here. If you need anything else digitally speaking just ask, she's still sitting in my living room. Patrick

From 2007: Hey Ernie, Thanks for the yearly attention, well no one blew anything up yesterday so I made the front page of the Wall Street Journal! Here's the article and here's the video they shot. Be Jolly! Thanks for the traffic and enjoy the Grumpkins. Patrick

From2008: Hey Ernie, Well kind sir, I will take a moment again to applaud you for another year of brightening my day, at the same time killing huge tracks of productivity with great games like Fantastic Contraption. With a 90% drop in requests, the state of the economy certainly put a total damper on performances this year. Can't really blame them though, five grand to get 1100lbs into Hong Kong is over double the price four years ago. Yet I would like you to know that as I laid in bed contemplating whether I should put my self through this. With no truck, a massive storm brewing, an abscessed tooth and my MS kicking my ass I came to the conclusion for the first time in twenty years I needed to consider not going through with it. The next morning I had an email from one of your viewers. Andy from Florida has been a fan of my work for years and he offered to fly up and help as a year without Grumpkins would be a bummer. Well that's all I needed to hear, to be reminded why I go to such extreme lengths for something that exists in it prime for a single day. I do it to bring joy to people world wide and how many people can say they have done that every year for twenty years. By nightfall nearly 900lbs will reside on my porch and I shall work non-stop to release the Grumpkin by Friday. After all Ernie, I been a Halloween tradition for over seven years now, how can I not! Enjoy, Patrick

From 2009: Greeting Ernie, The USS Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum was another crazy adventure. Seymour Grazoo wowed the crowds as the warm weather caused him to slowly liquefy, literally rotting as fast as I carved him. He was getting mighty gooey when I left this afternoon. I told Zee and Daphne that they better pull him into the Dumpster tonight cause when he collapses putrid pumpkin is going everywhere and you'll never get it out of the guts of that helicopter! I love being Lucky Ernie, I'm down on 55th at the Shoreham at what is not more than a 100ft from my door, but your personal favorite, a Five Guys Burger! You're right sir, best damn burger out there. Patrick

I didn't hear much from Patrick last year, which wasn't uncommon since his Multiple Sclerosis got the best of him sometimes. I was just assuming he took a year off, and would be back in full swing of things this year. Then I got this rather sad note from my friend Motorcycle Andy -- yes, the same Andy who offered to fly up and help Patrick out back in 2008...

Ernie, I just found out about Patrick Moser from He died last year. Bummer. Andy

Sure enough, head on over to and, "Patrick James Moser, the world's greatest giant pumpkin carver and boy genius, has left this world a better place. Patrick, who loved learning and science, and valued knowledge above all things, passed this morning, August 7, 2010, at Hamot Medical Center in Erie, following cardiac surgery on Thursday. He was 42 years, 10 months and 32 days old." Wow, he's been dead a little over a year. I feel kind of like a dick for not knowing until now. Eternally an optimist, Patrick's sister noted, "Patrick's main spiritual belief was joyism, Joy is where you find it. He felt that looking above his life circumstances and finding the goodness in all things, was what life was all about." So long Patrick Mosher, we hardly knew ye. But at least you found some joy at Five Guys before you went. p>

If the ladies from these NHL Ice Crews were any hotter, they would probably be fired for melting the very ice they skate on during every commercial break. Being one of the more exciting, action-packed sports in North America, I never really understood the need for hockey to have a bunch of scantily clad females skating around the rink in order to entertain the fans; but rather than complain, I think I will just sit here, shut my mouth and ogle these pics of the gorgeous Ice Crew Girls and their incredible racks. You're welcome.

Myth 1: Beatboxing is dead. Myth 2: Only black guys can beatbox. Myth 3: You can not incorporate a chicken bawk into your beatboxing routine. Truth? All false.

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