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Ernie's House of Whoopass! December 22, 2011
December 22, 2011

No! No! I Want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!

Well, it's that time of the year again, so you know what that means. Yep, it's time for our annual Don't Shoot Your Eye Out game challenge! As a reminder. There are a few sweet spots that you can get some KICK ASS scores, but as you approach 10,000,000 -- the score rolls over. So get as close to 9,999,999 as you can without shooting your eye out.

On a more serious note, if someone on your list is wishing for a pet this holiday season, here are some tips and things to consider to make sure that everyone — including the new animal — is jolly. Owning a pet is one of the most rewarding things life can offer and it's the start of a friendship that will last for years, but pets also come with serious responsibilities and a commitment to their health and happiness. Before deciding what kind of animal to buy, first consider the following questions: First, is the giftee ready for the responsibility of pet ownership? If the answer ends up being no, are you prepared to take on full responsibility yourself? Second: Has the giftee expressed a clear desire for a new pet? This is one case where a truly surprising gift might be an unpleasant surprise. If you're not sure, Woodard suggests using creative ways to find out: Walk them by a pet-store window; leave Animal Planet on in the background during dinner; take a stroll around the local park or dog run to see if any particular pet catches their eye. Now for the fun part: bringing the pet home and introducing him to the family! Despite the classic imagery, skip the bows and boxes, as they can be dangerous to the animal.

Austria's version of Santa Claus is also pretty close to ours, except that instead of extremely racist sidekicks, Santa Claus does his rounds with an entourage of demons. First, there's Krampus, who accompanies Saint Nick as he visits your house. If you've been good that year, you get presents from Santa. If you've been bad that year, Krampus abducts you and hurls you straight into the pits of hell. It's just another method of child-rearing, really. You have positive reinforcement, like we use in the West, where we encourage our kids to be good so they can get presents. And then you have negative reinforcement, like in Austria, where every year they tell their children that a demon sneaks into their bedrooms at night and may burn them alive for all eternity if they don't finish their goddamn vegetables this instant, Franz.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads. And mamma in her kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow, gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight two tinny reindeer.

Maru is a male Scottish Fold cat in Japan who has become popular on YouTube. As of June 2011, videos with Maru have been viewed over 100 million times (that's about $35,000 in ad revenue @ $0.35 CPM). Videos featuring Maru have an average of 1,000,000 views each and he is mentioned often in print and televised media discussing Internet celebrities. His owner, who does not show her face on camera or speak in the videos, posts videos under the account name 'mugumogu'. The videos are edited to include title cards in English and Japanese setting up the events of the video. After the March 2011 earthquakes in Japan, mugumogu reported from Maru's blog that Maru was safe and unharmed, though a carrying case was prepared in the event of an evacuation. In fact, here is Maru playing in a Christmas stocking.

Yo, Standard groveling/ass kissing/etc. Visit every day, blah blah blah. I have tried to contribute a few times, and had an honored space in one of your game challenges aeons ago (something like third runner up, but still got a mention). Every year I mean to donate to LBEH, and every year I end up not doing it because I either can't justify parting with a few measly bucks or simply forget. This year, I am proud to say, I did, though it wasn't anywhere near as much as I would like. I went through your list of donors and saw there was something like 7 people who gave $1,000 or more and thought my puny little contribution was but a drop in the ocean. I then thought it might be a little late in the game (for the life of me I cannot remember when your cut off deadline is for accepting contributions for this year) and got to wondering... If a donation comes in past the deadline, is it put towards next year's donation time? I certainly hope so. I'd hate to think my procrastination might be the difference between one of our heroes being able to make it home or not. Damn, now it's bugging the shit out of me. Please tell me I was under the wire for this year, and if my laziness made it so I didn't, that it will go towards next year! For all that is holy, please tell me it's true! Thanks for all you do, Chip

No problem Chip. Every donation helps, no matter how big or how small. As to your timing question, LBEH runs right up until New Years, because inevitably there are folks who have to stay back and man the fences over Christmas, and thus they can't get leave until on or after New Years. So it's not uncommon for us to book 5-10 tickets for the first few weeks of January. As for the surplus; we learned a very important lesson the first few years we did LBEH, where our policy was spend-spend-spend until all the money was gone. We'd start each campaign with $0.00 in the bank and end each campaign, just the same. The problem this created is we always started off right a waiting-for-donations mode; ticket requests would be coming in but we wouldn't have the funds to pay for them yet. So that taught us to try and save a few nickels so when we opened the doors on Veteran's Day each year, we'd have some funding in the bank to hit the ground running and start banging out tickets right away. So to ansywer your question; it's never too late to add your name to the list of donors!

It's often a common misconception that step ladders are very safe, due to their 4 points of contact on the surface that they're used on. Make sure that the surface you are using your step ladder on is flat and solid. If the surface is soft or on a slat, your step ladder may tip and/or flex when you climb it. Never climb onto the top step of a step ladder, unless the ladder specifically indicates that it is safe to do so. Many step ladder also include a retractable tray, which should be used for tools, paint cans, etc, but should not be used as a step, as they cannot support the weight of a person. If you're going to be working in conditions where electrical hazard is a concern, always use a fiberglass ladder. Although most fiberglass step ladders have metal steps, the main bodies of fiberglass ladders are not conductive to electricity. Since each step is attached to the fiberglass ladder body, electricity cannot travel throughout the ladder.

It was comedian Daniel Tosh who once said, "I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. I don't need to be told how hot Danica Patrick is. There's nothing hot about her. Maybe it's sexy when her hair's blowing in the wind when she's in last place." Okay, that was a little harsh, but it wasn't entirely off base. I've had a lot of the same feelings, especially regarding female athletes who are not particularly good at their given sport. Most female athletes aren't remarkably unattractive, but many of them wouldn't stand out in a crowd of us regular folks. As a straight woman, I think I approach the issue from the same perspective of a straight, semi-famous male with a pile of money. We both have an unlimited and superficial pool of women who may, or may not meet our unrealistic needs and/or expectations. That being said, let's take a look at some of the best female athletes in sports and determine if (I think) they're hot.

Snow spray is a spray used at parties to make artificial snow-like fall. It looks like snow fall when sprayed and cans are commercially available. It is commonly used during Christmas, birthday parties and New Year's Eve parties. Spray snow stencils are a fun way to decorate the windows and doors of your home during the winter season. You can find a wide variety of holiday and Christmas stencils online to print out and make your own stencils for free, or you can find high-quality precut stencils at your local craft store. Choose a variety of designs and sizes to create a lively winter scene on your windows, and get several cans of spray snow to involve the whole family in the decorating fun.

Ernie, This was in our local paper last night and I had to take a pic to send to you. Apparently, there is a new doctor in town who practices, shall we say, alternative therapies? My questions were: 1. Is the herniation caused by Carpal Tunnel? 2. What the fuck is a Rotor Cuff? 3. Is Sacroilitis another side effect? Good thing it’s not a degenerative dick……..Keep up the good work. Was able to donate a little to LBEH this year. Hopefully more next year. Michael

Hey Ernie, Been hooked for years. Just saw your Dec. 21st post and the pic of [I GET MORE ASS THAN YOU] I started an online toilet sticker company back in 2006 with the same saying. Check it out: Throw me a mailing address and I'll send you a couple. Spencer

Diamond plate, also known as checker plate, tread plate and Durbar floor plate, is a type of lightweight metal stock with a regular pattern of raised diamonds or lines on one side, with the reverse side being featureless. Diamond plate is usually steel, stainless steel or aluminum. Steel types are normally made by hot rolling, although modern manufacturers also make a raised and pressed diamond design. Used on stairs and catwalks in industrial settings, the added texture reduces the risk of slipping. For this reason diamond plate is frequently used on the interior of ambulances and on the footplates of firetrucks. Diamond plate can also be used decoratively, particularly highly polished aluminum variants.

While the US may be crazy about sports, that doesn't mean it holds the monopoly on hot female sports correspondents. While the talent pool is deep stateside, there are about 2.85 billion other women to draw from. And wouldn't you know it, there's a disproportionately high number of them are from England. More specifically, on Sky Sports. So if you have access to this station, I seriously suggest tuning in. Let's take a look at the talent from around the world.

Resembling a twisted teardrop, the kidney-shaped paisley is Iranian and Indian in origin, but its western name derives from the town of Paisley, in central Scotland. In Tamil the design is known as mankolam and has long been used in India. It resembles a mango and has sometimes been associated with Hinduism. In Persian the design is known as boteh jegheh and it has been used in Iran since the Sassanid Dynasty. The pattern is still popular in Iran and South and Central Asian countries. It is woven using gold or silver threads on silk or other high quality textiles for gifts, for weddings and special occasions. In Iran and Uzbekistan its use goes beyond clothing – paintings, jewelry, frescoes, curtains, tablecloths, quilts, carpets, garden landscaping, and pottery also sport the buta design. In Uzbekistan the most frequent item that can be found featuring the design is the traditional headdress doppi.

doj indicts gundealer for fast and furious-like sales

the reindeer superpower: ultraviolet vision. you know, like alek.

old and busted: 12 days of christmas. the new hotness: 12 beards of christmas

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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