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Ernie's House of Whoopass! January 5, 2012
January 5, 2012

There's No Reason To Thank Us Because We Don't Exist. You Never Saw Us. This Never Happened.

Navy Seal sniper Chris Kyle (linked yesterday) talks to Opie and Anthony about the time he punched Jesse Ventura in the face. Op and Ack's backstory can be seen here but on the bright side, at least Jesse Venture isn't running for President in 2012. But on the down side, neither is Bill Paxton.

The year of 2011 saw many heartwarming animal rescues, from a kitten rescued from a pipe on Thanksgiving day, to the oil-drenched penguins in New Zealand saved and set free. Puppies arrived in Washington D.C. after being rescued from a puppy mill and a curious baby seal wandered into a woman's apartment in New Zealand to chill out for a bit before returning to the wild. Farm Sanctuary is a group that focuses on combating the abuses of factory farming, including fights to save battery hens stuffed in 16-inch-wide cages, sows kept in cages that are too small for them to turn around and cows that are artificially impregnated throughout their reproductive life. The group has some great stories to tell from the past year about saving farm animals from similar fates. Check out some of these rescues.

The Aloha shirt commonly referred to as a Hawaiian shirt is a style of dress shirt originating in Hawaii. It is currently the premier textile export of the Hawaii manufacturing industry. The shirts are printed, mostly short-sleeved, and collared. They usually have buttons, sometimes as a complete button-down shirt, and sometimes just down to the chest (pullover). Aloha shirts usually have a left chest pocket sewn in, often with attention to ensure the printed pattern remains continuous. Aloha shirts may be worn by men or women; women's aloha shirts usually have a lower-cut, v-neck style. The lower hem is straight, as the shirts are not meant to be tucked in. Aloha shirts exported to the mainland United States and elsewhere are called Hawaiian shirts and often brilliantly colored with floral patterns or generic Polynesian motifs and are worn as casual, informal wear.

If you're anything like me, you've probably perused your share of "hot athlete" lists over the last decade. And if you have, surely you've noticed that the same photos have been appearing over and over again, without fail. It's annoying and, more importantly, it's deceptive. Seriously, some of these photos are over 10 years old! Which means they are in no way demonstrative of present hotness. Would you ever meet someone for coffee after seeing only a picture of them from the late 90's--assuming that you actually knew beforehand that the photo was a decade old--which is almost never the case. Obviously that was a rhetorical question, because I know you wouldn't if given a choice. These photos have brought everyone a lot of joy, but as fantastic as they are, it's time to retire most of them. But that doesn't mean we have to throw away the baby with the bathwater -- the photos are old, but most of the athletes are still relatively young. Yes, this means you, Dara Torres. So let's take a look at 15 of the most overused photos, and determine who's still got it.

A whiteboard -- also known by the terms markerboard, dry-erase board, dry-wipe board, pen-board, and the misnomer greaseboard -- is a name for any glossy, usually white surface for nonpermanent markings. Whiteboards are analogous to chalkboards, allowing rapid marking and erasing of markings on their surface. The popularity of whiteboards increased rapidly in the mid-1990s and they have become a fixture in many offices, meeting rooms, school classrooms, and other work environments.

Container ships are cargo ships that carry all of their load in truck-size intermodal containers, in a technique called containerization. They form a common means of commercial intermodal freight transport. Exporters load their merchandise in boxes that are provided by the shipping companies. They are then delivered to the docks by road, rail or a combination of both for loading on to container ships. Prior to containerization, huge gangs of men would spend hours fitting various items of cargo into different holds. Containerization has lowered shipping costs and decreased shipping time, and this has in turn helped the growth of international trade. Cranes, installed either on the pier or on the ship, are used to place containers on board the ship. When the hull is loaded, additional containers are stacked on the deck. Cargo that once arrived in cartons, crates, bales, barrels or bags now comes in factory sealed containers, with no indication to the human eye of their contents, except for a product code that machines can scan and computers trace. This system of tracking has been so exact that a two week voyage can be timed for arrival with an accuracy of under fifteen minutes.

This was sent to me by my doctor so I know it's true. Don't bother checking Snopes. it's how a bacon cheeseburger is made. Jon

Dude. This is epic! - 911 Tells Mom 'Do What You Have To Do': Oklahoma Mom Sarah McKinley kills intruder. Mike

Ms. McKinley was later quoted as saying, "Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?"

A tape measure or measuring tape is a flexible form of ruler. It consists of a ribbon of cloth, plastic, fiber glass, or metal strip with linear-measurement markings. It is a common measuring tool. Its flexibility allows for a measure of great length to be easily carried in pocket or toolkit and permits one to measure around curves or corners. Today, measuring tapes made for sewing are made of fiberglass, which does not tear or stretch as easily. Measuring tapes designed for carpentry or construction often use a stiff, curved metallic ribbon that can remain stiff and straight when extended, but retracts into a coil for convenient storage. This type of tape measure will have a floating tang on the end to aid measuring. Today it is ubiquitous, even appearing in miniature form as a keychain fob, or novelty item.

LeBron James announced a few days ago that he's getting hitched to his longtime-girlfriend, Savannah Brinson. NBA wives and girlfriends, despite the popular reality show, don't get much attention lavished on them. That stops now. Take a look at these 15 and see if you think they're superior to Brinson in the looks department or if you think I'm smoking crack.

regarding indefinite detention...

Normally, I would trust my government to implement this. What do I give a shit if raghead, murderous motherfuckers are waterboarded and detained indefinitely? They are murderers without uniforms, not combatants. In WWII they got shot. (BTW, did you know Special Ops get waterboarded in training?) HOWEVER I AGREE WITH YOU. The potential socialist penis potato (dic tater) we have in DC scares me. Hope and change my ass. I see Stalin light beer at those garden meetings. Incrementally he is trying takeover getting into the international gun ban. I pray he has a stroke. Ranger Steve

At the risk of sounding all Amnesty International'y... I think any government detaining anyone indefinitely, is bullshit. That goes double for us, since we're supposed to be the good guys. Charge em and let em stand trial, shoot the fuckers, or let em go. But holding onto them indefinitely without trial? The Founding Fathers would be rolling over in their graves. And as far as the sleeper cell terrorists who come here and secure citizenship, just so they can shake suspicion.... if they're citizens then they should get the same rights as I do. If we're unhappy with that process, then make it harder to become a citizen. it's that old adage, hate the game not the player, haha. A stroke. wow. harsh. - Ernie

Agreed...mostly...the game is self stacked against pseudointellectual armchair quarterbacks. Trust your testosterone, Ernie. It gets you laid and gives the first punch instinct. - Ranger Steve

Countershading uses graded color to create the illusion of flatness. Shadow makes an animal lightest on top, darkest below; countershading 'paints in' tones which are darkest on top, lightest below, making the countershaded animal nearly invisible against a matching background. American artist Abbott Handerson Thayer's observation that "Animals are painted by Nature, darkest on those parts which tend to be most lighted by the sky's light, and vice versa" is called Thayer's Law. Countershading is widely used by both terrestrial and marine animals. Countershading is relatively seldom used for military camouflage, despite Second World War experiments that demonstrated its effectiveness. English Zoologist Hugh B. Cott encouraged the use of techniques including countershading to provide effective concealment, observing that soldiers viewed camouflage netting as "some kind of invisibility cloak: just throw it over the truck and now you don't see it", as Peter Forbes comments. At the same time in Australia, zoologist William John Dakin advised soldiers to copy animals' methods, using their instincts for wartime camouflage.

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien, was an English writer, poet, philologist, and university professor, best known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion. While many other authors had published works of fantasy before Tolkien, the great success of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings led directly to a popular resurgence of the genre. This has caused Tolkien to be popularly identified as the "father" of modern fantasy literature — or, more precisely, of high fantasy. In 2008, The Times ranked him sixth on a list of "The 50 greatest British writers since 1945". Forbes ranked him the 5th top-earning dead celebrity in 2009. In 1977 an animated TV production of The Hobbit was made by Rankin-Bass, a studio known for their holiday specials. Born on January 3, 1892, J.R.R. Tolkien passed away in 1973 at the age of 81.

Taxidermy has been resurfacing both in fashion and as a hobby. Since most legitimate taxidermy classes are in the middle of bumblefrig nowhere, people have taken to DIY projects in their living rooms. The results are a bunch of rogue taxidermy projects which range from super cute and convincing to horrible and weird. We've sifted through the trauma to bring you only the cutest, most adorable animals you didn't know were actually dead. I hope you like kitties.

everyone in europe: you're all gonna fucking die! -- or not, either way

free americans buy 10,800,000+ guns in 2011 ~ don't fuck with the usa, pal

if you've ever watched the new battlestar galactics series, this is FUCKING HILARIOUS

this game has never been completed. do you think you have what it takes to complete it?

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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