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Ernie's House of Whoopass! March 19, 2012
March 19, 2012

So Anyway, This Happened This Morning.

0600: The Boss Lady (TBL) leaves for work on her motorcycle, a 2008 Victory Vegas (third bike, white/black/orange). Tomorrow morning she will be takng my car to work, since I have to take her Vegas in for an oil change and have the electrical system checked; it's four years old so I think it needs a new battery.

0620: I get a phone call from TBL. She stopped for gas in the Port Charlotte Race Trac. The bike won't start; she turns the ignition on and nothing, no lights, no crank, no go. Really, this couldn't wait one more fucking day. One more fucking day?! I tell her to check with people and see if she can get someone to jump start it, in the meantime I'll call AAA to see about having it towed if need be.

0625: Call AAA service. Sorry dude, you don't have motorcycle coverage. No problem, how much to add it? $35. Okay, here's my credit card number... not so fast, it takes 72 hours before you can use it. But I've been an AAA member for 15 years. That's awesome, it takes 72 hours before you can use it. Really, you can't talk to a supervisor and get it cleared? I can't but you can try membership services at this number....

0635: You have reached Membership Services, our normal business hours are 7am to...

0640: You're gonna have to tough this out for another 15 minutes. Any luck getting someone to jump start? Nope.

0701: Reach AAA membership services, speak to Aurora (not kidding). She clears it with her boss to begin coverage now. I pay the $35 and they start the service call. Hopefully just a jump, worst case scenario is a tow down to Victory Lane in Estero.

0705: TBL was able to get some woman to try and jump start the bike... crank, crank, nothing. Okay. AAA on the way, keep your panties on until they get there. It's a big ass, busy, and well lit gas station, so I'm not worried. Plus, she's armed

0745: They get there. AAA dude -- a 9th degree guido -- tries to hook up for a jump, waits, and... the bike turns over. Success! As soon as they disconnect the cables, the bike dies. Failure! Jump again. It starts! Success! Disconnect the cables. It dies. Failure! Okay, battery is toast. Let's tow it to dealer. AAA guy says sorry, you no got motorcycle coverage. Yes, we do. No, you don't. Yes, we do. No, you don't. Okay, we'll have Aurora call and straighten it out. Cool, I'm leaving in the meantime.

0750: Sorry Aurora is busy, can I help you. [Reinvent the wheel] Okay, so you need it towed how far? Our dealer is 44.5 miles away. Oh, I don't know if they'll authorize it that far. But motorcycle coverage covers up to 100 miles. Right but you're inside the 3 day window, so we're authorizing it for limited coverage, 5 miles. Are you fucking kidding me? Five fucking miles? What are the chances that I'm going to find a place within ... holy crap, there's one 2.7 miles away from her. I'll send a tow truck to bring the motorcycle there.

0810: Tow truck on its way. Again. Keep your panties on. Again.

0904: I receive this picture message.

0905: Since they open at 9, I call Destination Powersports to let them know TBL is inbound and she'll be needing a battery. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Wait, try again. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Check their website: they're closed on Mondays. Fuck.

0910: I call TBL back to warn her and the tow truck driver. They already know, since they just pulled up. How much to tow down to Estero? $5 PER MOTHERFUCKING MILE, which would only amount to $210 fucking dollars. But wait, there's another small motorcycle shop nearby, let me try them and I'll call you back.

0915: Fuck this. If you want something done right, I'll go get the fucking thing myself. Pissy, I put on my slippers and walk next door to my neighbor's to take a look at his landscaping trailer. It's only six feet long. Motorcycles are seven and a half. Fuck that plan.

0920: Double Fuck This. I start taking the side panels off of my Hammer, I'll take my battery up and swap it out myself. If I had just fucking done this two fucking hours ago it'd be all done by now...

0925: New shop doesn't have the battery in stock, but Batteries Plus does. They can run and get it for a $25 fee, plus the cost of the battery which is $114. Okay fine, fuck it, let's do this. Cash only. Are you fucking kidding me? TBL walks to find an ATM while someone from the shop runs to get the battery.

0935: I reconnect my battery and close up my socket set; hearing all five million sockets fall out of place and pool at the bottom of the hard case. Fuck you. Put side panels back on the fucking Hammer.

1010: Replacement battery arrives and beginning install.

1021: Battery installed, bike running, TBL is back on the road headed to work. Final cost: $141. They installed for no charge, other than the fee to go get the battery.

I would throw mad props out to guys at T&E Cycle, but they ain't gots no website. So I guess I will resort to the old fashioned thank you: pizza and beer. And definitely no props to the first douchebag guido tow truck driver who got the fuck out of dodge at his earliest opportunity.

Hi Ernie, Thanks for the mention for our Zombie Boot Camp this week. We've just launched Zombie Shopping Mall, where you learn how to fight zombies in an abandoned shopping mall. Details here. If you ever find yourself in the UK, we'd love to welcome you along! Best wishes, Richard

Hey Ernie, Like most others I have been a long time, at least since 2005 or 2006 and I am always on the lookout for things to send but for some reason I have just missed out. Well, I can finally join the ranks of your faithful contributors. Here is a link to the ultimate zombie sidearm. No more is is rule number 2 from Zombieland necessary. Incase the videos are running the gun I wanted you to see is Arsenel's double .45. If I get one I promise to bring it next time I go to Naples and you can shoot it. Mastiff

Personally I think they're about as impractical as a Taurus Judge, and no doubt the first people to own those double barreled .45's will load them with Zombie ammunition. And if there is a God, they'll accidentally shoot themselves while doing so. Just so you know, a lot of people think this was the first double barreled handgun, when surrisingly, it isn't. Invented in 1856 by Jean LeMat, a New Orleans doctor, the LeMat revolver was actually two guns in one: the top barrel fires .42 caliber pistol rounds while the bottom holds a load of buckshot. When he was all finished packing guns into his guns, LeMat brought the prototype to his cousin, a U.S. Army major named Beauregard. Beauregard also thought the gun was a great idea, because gun madness is a hereditary disease passed down along bloodlines, and tried unsuccessfully to get the Army to equip all of their cavalrymen with it. Though it was powerful, the LeMat was deemed too superfluous and not reliable enough for field use.

After completing 339 combat missions totaling more than 800 flying hours, Brigadier General Steve Ritchie returned as one of the most highly decorated pilots of the war, having received the Air Force Cross, four Silver Stars, 10 Distinguished Flying Crosses and 25 Air Medals. Here, Gen. Ritchie tells the amazing story of the rescue of downed pilot Roger Locher in Vietnam in 1972.

There are plenty of sexy and skilled American female surfers around, and Sage Erickson is one of them. She recently stripped down and showed off her sexy side during a photo shoot for Stab Magazine.

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myfreepaysite.com, the world's first and only truly free adult megasite. NSFW.

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