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Ernie's House of Whoopass! April 27, 2012
April 27, 2012

I Have Never Felt So Alone and Vulnerable In All My Life.

Lately I've been buying a lot of shit from online want-ads like Craigslist, Armslist and such. Last week I was making arrangements to pick up something from a guy over in Ft Myers, and since I was already planning a Costco run, I suggested that we meet in a nearby Publix parking lot since it's a well known and well travelled area. So I hopped in my car and was already crossing the Cape Coral bridge over to Ft Myers when it dawned on me: I forgot my cell phone home. Shit. Furthermore, as soon as I realized that, I also realized I left the house before confirming that the seller could indeed meet me at 12:30, like I had asked. I had just fired off an "ok-meet-me-at-so-and-so-at-such-and-such-a-time" and ran out the door. So now I don't know if the guy is even coming to meet me, nor do I have any way to communicate with him to check. And if I turn around to go get my phone, then I'll be late and risk pissing off said seller. In the end I just decided to wing it, show up at the specified time and park my car out away from everyone else so it was very obvious; thankfully I had the sense of mind to mention what kind of car I drive in my last text message. I get there a few minutes early and my plan is to use a public phone to call the guy, since I had a bill of sale printed out with me and already had the seller's information filled out. I get out of the car and glance around the plaza, but there are no "PUBLIC PHONE" signs to be seen. I decide to risk a quick lap around the stores to see if I can spot a phone somewhere, but of course come up empty.

As I'm walking back to my car, I cross paths with this black kid in a Publix uniform, he's maybe 17 years old or so, and out gathering up shopping carts. SO I PULL OUT MY GUN AND I SHOT HIM IN SELF DEFENSE. No, just kidding. I caught his attention and asked, "Hey man, do you guys have any public phones? I forgot my cell home." The kid chews on his bottom lip for a minute, "No, I don't think we do." "Do you know if there are any around here?" He looks down again to think, "Probably try Walmart, they sell everything." Sell? I'm wondering. "Oh no," I corrected, "I don't mean like a disposable phone, I mean a pay phone." The kid stares at me. "You know, a pay phone. For public use... In case you don't have a cell phone..." I stared and waited. And he stared right back, like I did when I listened to my grandfather tell me something about living through The Depression. "You know, a public phone one you can put a quarter in and make a phone call...?" ...and I get nothing. I might as well been talking long string theory quantum mechanics. This 17 year old kid had NO FUCKING CLUE what a pay phone was. For as long as he's known better, people have always had their own cell phones and been able to text message on a whim. That made me feel really fucking old.

But seriously, regardless of what color skin you have, stand your ground on Stand Your Ground: Support your right to fight back.

Microsoft Office 97 was a major milestone release of Microsoft Office, which included hundreds of new features and improvements, introduced "Command Bars", a paradigm in which menus and toolbars were made more similar in capability and visual design featured natural language systems and sophisticated grammar checking. It was published on CD-ROM as well as on a set of 44 3½-inch floppy disks, and became Y2K safe with Service Release 2. Released on November 19, 1996, it was the last version to support Windows NT 3.51 on i386 and Alpha. Two service packs were release were released for Office 97. Assisted support options for Office 97 ended on January 16, 2004. Mainstream hotfix support for Office 97 ended on August 31, 2001.

Normally, when a noisy table interrupts a comedian, he will try to incorporate it into his act and continue as best he can with the flow of his material. However, Matt Davis had already been warned by two other comedians that a particular table had been fucking up their sets for almost an hour. So when he took the stage, his dick was already wrapped with a sandpaper condom. As expected, the table started their idiocy, so he dropped his joke mid-sentence and pulled out his bitch-sticker. After a couple of small verbal jabs, Matt stopped the heckler cold by jamming a fist up into his colon and pulling out his ego through his asshole. P.S. don't fuck up Joe Rogan's set.

A birdcage is a cage designed to house birds as pets. Antique birdcages are often popular as collectors' items or as household decor but most are not suitable for housing live birds, being too small, or of unsafe materials or construction. Good quality cages designed for pet birds are more suitable. In general, the larger and the more active the bird, the larger the cage one should use. While small bird cages are relatively inexpensive, large parrot-sized cages can cost hundreds or even thousands of dollars. The materials used to build the cages has a lot to do with the price level. Most parrot cages are made or wrought iron and painted with a non-toxic paint referred to as powder-coating.

Old and busted: a motorcycle jumping 20 buses. The 1980's hotness: a bus jumping 20 motorcycles.

Pam guessing my drawing on "Draw Free"... Greg

Hi Ernie, I was at the Detroit Autorama last night and took a lot of pictures. Here are some of one of Earl’s cousin -- ONE | TWO. I’d like to share the rest of them with you, if you would like, just let me know the best way. I’ve got at least 150 shots of some cool cars and bikes, Take care, Leon

Still, there is one baseball player who stands head and shoulders above the rest in his ability to date and/or hook up with the hottest women on the planet: Derek Jeter. To Yankees fans he’s a legend for his exploits on the field. To Red Sox fans, he's the bane of our existance. But the rest of us he’s also a legend for his sexual conquests. Today we honor Captain Clutch and his magical lady powers with a list of Derek Jeter's 13 hottest girlfriends.

A litter box is an indoor feces and urine disposal box for cats that are permitted free roam of a home but who cannot or do not always go outside to relieve themselves. In the wild, cats naturally excrete in soft or sandy soil for easy burial. To stimulate this instinctive desire, a litter box's bottom is filled typically with an inch or more of cat litter. Many owners of these animals prefer not to let them roam outside for fear that they might succumb to the elements or get hit by a car, so a cat litter box makes it possible to shelter pets from these risks. The litter material also satisfies a cat's instinctive desire to use an easily-dug material.

Michael Jackson’s Neverland was once a children’s fantasy made real. Then came the infamous child abuse allegations. In 2005, Jackson declared that he would never return to Neverland because he felt violated by the police searches that took place there, which he claimed were conducted without a warrant. Few places are as eerie or as melancholy as an abandoned theme park. The laughter and screams of delight that we imagine once echoed around the rides and other amusements have gone, leaving a strange silence that seems all the more heavy in contrast with the joyful cacophony it has replaced. Add a full moon and a back-story replete with scandal and tragedy, and you have an intensely atmospheric subject for a photographic series.

An autopsy, also known as a necropsy (particularly as to non-human bodies), is a highly specialized surgical procedure that consists of a thorough examination of a corpse to determine the cause and manner of death and to evaluate any disease or injury that may be present. It is usually performed by a specialized medical doctor called a pathologist. Necropsy is far more common in animal medicine than in human medicine. For many species that exhibit few external symptoms (such as sheep), or that are not suited to detailed clinical examination (poultry, cage birds, zoo animals), it is a common method used by veterinarians to come to a diagnosis.

video: america is an out-of-control police state

this awesome until you realize your cell phone # is on the NATIONAL NEWS.

video: joanna krupa's motorcycle photoshoot

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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