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Ernie's House of Whoopass! May 2, 2012
May 2, 2012

Yeah, it's That Special Time of The Year Again.

I like to think that the Navy SEALs mission to kill OBL was a special birtday present done especially for me. And until someone proves otherwise, that's the way it's going to stay. I tried to dig up my old How Much Sam Adams have I Drank spreadsheet, and holy shit, score one for the pack rat. As of this morning I have been drinking legally for 6,940 days and when I first started out beer was my first choice to wet my whistle, my tastebuds have since changed to bourbon. Now that's not to suggest that I don't still indulge in beer; I still do. Just not to the degree that I used to, tapering off to maybe 4 beers a week last year, but now back up to 5 beers a week now that the Dublin Ale House has opened so close by. So after plugging in the current date and my recent drinking schedule, here's what it spits out at me:

To date I have consumed 8,372 frosty cold Samuel Adams Boston Lagers. At 12 ounces per beer -- yes there are some many'o'pints mixed in there but without knowing how many for sure, I'm sticking with bottles -- I have now crossed the centennial mark and have 100,464 ounces of beer under my belt. For those of you hitting the grocery store soon, you'd have to fill your cart with 784.9 gallon jugs. I am however, a little ashamed to admit that I have surpassed the 171 pounds that I weighed when I last opened this spreadsheet and now tip the scales at 191 pounds -- eeeek! And since were are 98% water, I'll use 8.3 lbs/gal and thus if you were to kill me, gut me, and hollow me out, my skin would hold 20.6 gallons of beer. That means I have drank myself 38.1 over.

But yes, yes, beer is heavy and my 784.9 gallons of beer tip the scales at 6,514 pounds of beer. That's 3.26 tons. Keep in mind that Big Red's payload is 1,889 pounds, and so my stomach has 3.45 times the payload capacity of my truck (and it's starting to show, too. haha).

And yes, we all know that Sam Adams does not come in a can, but if it did (swapping out 12 oz bottles for 12 oz cans), we'd get a uniform height of 4.74 inches per can. Stack 8,372 of those motherfuckers on top each other and you'd get a stack 3,313.9 feet tall -- or 1.87 times the final structural height of the new World Trade Center One. And 3.367 times that of that pussy ass Eiffel Tower -- in fact you can stack three Eiffel Towers on top of each other, then set an Airbus A-380 on its gigantic 261 feet wingtips, and my tower of suds is still 101 feet taller. Suck it, Pierre!

Adjusting for inflation and adding $0.27 to the price of a six-pack per year, I have spent $8,971 on beer. Had I chosen to instead invest that money at a conservative 5% per annum, I'd have $14,835 right now; $27,364 if I were to average a 10% annual return.

As I have learned to handle my liquor a little better as I've gotten older, let's say that I've cut down my pukes/year down to just one -- hey, I'm only human. That means I've vomited 65 times throughout my drinking career and at an average of 22.4 fl/oz per puke, that means I've thrown up 1,459 ounces, or 11.4 gallons. That's a little more than half of my 20.6 gallon volume. And since puke sinks, we'll presume 8.5 lbs/gallon, so that means I've vomited up 96.9 pounds -- which is my very own 9 year old girl. And since we know I've already spent $8,971 only to vomit 1,459 ounces, that means my vomit is worth $727.28 per gallon. So quit complaining about the price of gas, will you?

Hey Ern, while shopping online for a fake Rolex, I found this. Do you think "Nigger-Brown" will be in Crayola's next new box of crayons? And, here's the link. Cheers, Rob

More and more traffic accidents are due to texting. If we want to reduce the 1.2 million traffic victims worldwide each year, we have to act. How do you convince youngsters not to text while driving? Prove them it is a very bad idea: oblige them to text while driving! See how Belgian learner drivers reacted when they were told they had to pass the mobile phone test in order to get their driver's license.

Attention ladies: unless you are supermodel Kate Upton, it is is completely unacceptable to do something like this.

The color of water is a subject of both scientific study and popular misconception. While relatively small quantities of water are observed by humans to be colorless, pure water has a slight blue tint that becomes a deeper blue as the thickness of the observed sample increases. The blue hue of water is an intrinsic property and is caused by selective absorption and scattering of white light. Impurities dissolved or suspended in water may give water different colored appearances. Some constituents of sea water can influence the shade of blue of the ocean. This is why it can look greener or bluer in different areas. Water in swimming pools (which may also contain various chemicals) with white-painted sides and bottom will appear as a turquoise blue.

It's also another time of year again! Actually, I'm not sure if "NFL cheerleader auditions" is an officially recognized time of year yet. If it wasn't before this comprehensive list of hotness, it certainly will be moving forward. There are still a few squads that haven't held their auditions yet—notably the Cowboys and Falcons—but most of them are complete, which means that there is an overabundance of photos featuring hot broads in booty shorts and sports bras floating around the Internet. Perhaps you're interested in seeing photos from all of these events, but you don't have the 30 hours of spare time required to do all that research. Well, seems that it might just be your lucky day. I've complied the hottest 100 photos from the various auditions and paired each photo with information that may (or may not) change your life. Let's embark on this adventure together.

Cut a check and shut up, they said. If you want to pay more, pay more, they said. Tired of hearing about it, they said.Tough shit for you guys, because I’m not tired of talking about it. I’ve known rich people, and why not, since I’m one of them? The majority would rather douse their dicks with lighter fluid, strike a match, and dance around singing “Disco Inferno” than pay one more cent in taxes to Uncle Sugar. - Stephen King

Sure there are implants and plastic surgery for the flat and ugly and it certainly will help up to an extent, but naturally sexy women are rare and well, very sexy. If you don't believe me then you just need to check out this gallery of the 75 sexiest babes on the internet ... cough...cough... only 74 after Minka Kelly... cough...cough... and I'm sure you will agree towards the end.

Ivan Petrovich Pavlov was a famous Russian physiologist. The concept for which Pavlov is famous is the conditioned reflex he developed jointly with his assistant Ivan Filippovitch Tolochinov in 1901. He had come to learn this concept of conditioned reflex when examining the rates of salivations among dogs. Pavlov had learned then when a bell was rung in subsequent time with food being presented to the dog in consecutive sequences, the dog will initially salivate when the food is presented. The dog will later come to associate the ringing of the bell with the presentation of the food and salivate upon the ringing of the bell.

Peterbilt Motors Company is an American manufacturer of medium- and heavy-duty Class 5 through Class 8 trucks headquartered in Denton, Texas. Founded in 1939 Peterbilt currently operates manufacturing facilities in Denton, Texas (1980), and Sainte-Thérèse, Quebec. The Model 386 entered production in spring 2005, it is an aerodynamic truck, with a lower price tag than the 387. It is only offered with a 126" BBC (Bumper to Back of Cab dimension.) The 386 is quickly becoming a popular design and aside from not having external air cleaners, it is available with most all of the options of a 389. Their Newark plant closed in 1986 with all manufacturing consolidated at its facility in Denton; in 1993 headquarters and engineering also moved to Denton as well.

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Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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