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Ernie's House of Whoopass! June 8, 2012
June 8, 2012

From My Cold Dead Hands. Which Could Mean Zombie Hands, I Suppose.

Problem: In 1987, 27-year-old Michael Robert Ryan, armed with a semi-automatic rifle, a semi-automatic shotgun and a handgun, shot and killed sixteen people including his mother, then fatally shot himself in what would come to be known as the Hungerford Massacre. Solution: Ban semi-automatic rifles and restrict shotguns to three shells, because after all, these inanimate objects are to blame, right? That will end gun violence in the United Kingdom... Wrong! New problem: Nine years later, 43-year-old Thomas Hamilton entered a school armed with four handguns, shooting and killing sixteen children and one adult before committing suicide. This now referred to as the Dunblane Massacre. Solution: ban on private ownership of handguns. Problem fixed for good now, amirite? No. Because despite all these restrictions, four years after that in 2010, Derrick Bird, uses a shotgun and a .22 rifle to kill 12 people and injure 11 others before killing himself in Cumbria, England. What does this teach us? Simple: you can not legislate crazy.

Of course Australia -- where you can now be publicly shunned for evening posing with a firearm -- followed right alone in the UK's footsteps following the Port Arthur massacre in 1996, but don't worry the few firearms that are allowed for the purposes of pest control and hunting, are being convently stolen after someone hacked into the government's gun registry.

And if you're keeping an close eye on the 2012 zombie outbreak like I am, like me you're probably as grateful that our right to keep and bear arms -- such as the unstable death ray in my pants -- is protected by the Constitution. Because no matter what that raging dickbagJesse Jackson says, gun control DOES NOT creates jobs in the same way that coveting your neighbor's goods does. In fact, I just might go look for a new gun today from either slickguns or armslist.

Old and busted: Man's best friend. The new hotness: Soldier's best friend. Watch as this soldier is welcomed home by her beagle after being deployed for 6 months.

With the economy getting better, the DOW and S&P 500 are finally going back up, and companies hiring again; so I guess it's finally time for you to break out your resume and get started on your career path! Not sure how exactly after living your grandma's basement for the past 6 years? Well have no fear, this gallery full of every bit of advice you need is here to save the day... and your future!

Didnt know if you had seen this article. Captain Mitchell is accusing The Weather Channel of firing her for her military duties. I hope the courts bust their balls good. John ... a bonus, she's smoking hot!

Hey Ernie, Brent has his 69 General Lee Charger up for sale. It has a 528 Hemi in it. Ker-b

E - I just picked up an M1 Garand , It's a Springfield the serial number indicates it was made in October of 1944. It's pretty clean and shoots well, the stock obviously has been replaced (no stamps on it) but is in good condition. I got it from my brother (20 year Navy retiree) it's not a CMP gun or a museum piece but I only paid $425 for it. It should be a good cheap shooter and I can still try and get a fancier 1 later. Now I just need to secure some ammo. Mike.

$425?! $425?! Someone call the po'lice, because you done stole that sumbitch.

And with all this public hate for Zimmerman, you'd have thought that people would have stopped jumping to conclusions by now. Nope. And so my favorite quote on the Zimmerman fiasco so far? "She should go back to law school, where she will learn that it is never appropriate to submit an affidavit that contains a half truth, because a half truth is regarded by the law as a lie, and anyone who submits an affidavit swears to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth," Alan Dershowitz, when commenting on how the presecutor neglected to include information about Zimmerman's injuries on her affidavit.

They've defined careers, molded reputations and set the sports world on fire with their creativity. They are the greatest athletic nicknames on Earth. Birth names like Shaun White and Brian Wilson can only take a budding star so far before he requires a flipped script. There comes a time when birth certificates just won't cut it anymore. Thankfully, the athletic realm has always been stocked with innovative minds who spend countless hours jotting down potential monikers for those athletes in need. And the new batch of world-class talents are reaping the benefits. After scanning the collection of today's sports folks with nicknames, here is a list of the 100 best -- oh yes, William "The Refrigerator" Perry would be proud.

P.S. This is why you should keep your dog from chasing after wild animals. You're welcome.

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