E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

I Don't Know About You, But That Certainly Makes Me Uncomfortable.

Guess which one freaks me out less: Breast implant emplacement is performed with several types of surgical incisions. The two most popular are inframammary — an incision made to the infra-mammary fold (IMF), which affords maximal access for precise dissection of the tissues and emplacement of the breast implants. It is the preferred surgical technique for emplacing silicone-gel implants, because it better exposes the breast tissue–pectoralis muscle interface. And secondly, periareolar — a border-line incision along the periphery of the areola, which provides an optimal approach when adjustments to the IMF position are required, or when a mastopexy (breast lift) is included to the primary mammoplasty procedure. Aesthetically, because the scars are at the areola’s border, they usually are less visible than the IMF-incision scars of women with light-pigment areolae; when compared to cutaneous-incision scars, the modified epithelia of the areolae are less prone to raised scars.

I Knew A Debbie Once. Talked Like A Porpoise.

So Tropical Storm Debby has been drenching the living shit out of me for the past two days, which kind of sucks cock because.... I have a leak in my roof, although this one was somewhat predictable. if you recall last year, I had a leak on one side of a peak, this year it's the other side. Both the result of shoddy workmanship by the original roofers. I have some guys lined up to fix it, but ironically enough, they can't really get started until it's dried out, which is kind of tough to do during... you know... a fucking tropical storm.

Holy Shit Am I Running Late Today.

Sorry I got held up, and let me just say that I really hate people wearing trucker hats.

I'll be Honest, I Have To read The Ruling To Figure Out What The Fuck Just Happened.

But I imagine that this is how Obama feels right about now. Now we'll see how Eric With-Holder does on his Contempt of Congress charges later this afternoon. if we're lucky, Holder will soon look like this.

But I Don't Wanna Be Entered By Jesus.

I used to be a huge fan of Aaron Sorkin's West Wing. President Josiah Bartlett, rah-rah-rah, and all that good shit. And I'm not suggesting that we base any sort of policy decisions off a television show from the late 90's, but every once in awhile, they struck a chord that rings true even today a decade later. One of those instances was -- and I'm going from memory here -- Josh's secretary, played by Janel Moloney, whom I always had the hots for but could never quite put my finger on why, asked why any president didn't tackle the two biggest most long standing economic problems: social security reform and healthcare reform. So Josh and Toby (maybe Sam?) went on to explain that yes, while these were indeed the two biggest social problems the country was facing and had been hanging around for years, both of those issues were absolute lost causes. No standing president ever wanted to touch those issues because the amount of energy and political capital required to even attempt fixing one of those problems would be political suicide. So the dance is, a new president comes into office and puts on a show to make good on their campaign promises, and the minute the opposition raises their voice any higher than a whisper, the new president shrugs and says, "Well I tried," and then both parties go back to attacking something safe like guns or abortion. And before you dismiss that as being untrue, look back over the last twenty or so years, and tell me what real changes have been made to either of those two pigs. Sure there was some grumbling about privatizing Social Security, but that's gone. Some half hearted bills about Medicare or limiting malpractice lawsuits, but those died out too.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Wouldn't It Be Fun To Use Fireworks And Shoot Down a Drone On Independence Day?

"Be Here Now" -- The Andy Whitfield Documentary Trailer, by Lilibet Foster

This Business Will Get Out Of Control. Again..

Ummm, I know some people are acting a little crazy about this Zimmerman situation? But if we don't keep ourselves in check, this business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we'll be lucky to live through it. That is if we don't get a little help from Sheriff Andy Taylor or Deputy Fife on how to stand our ground, well I guess we have to count on Admiral Painter now. So let's all try to stay cool, shall we?

Happy Fourth of July, Fuckers!

It's that time of year when flags sway, fireworks crackle in the distance and fans roar for freedom. The fourth of July is upon us. It was July 4, 1776 when the Declaration of Independence was adopted by Congress. Thomas Jefferson's groundwork would lay the foundation for a new future, and a separation from the Kingdom of Great Britain. Breathtaking stuff. Almost 300 years later and we have yet to stop thanking our forefathers. And only in the passionate world of sports can we truly appreciate the American dream. As we prepare for another festive and colorful Independence Day, let's enjoy 25 shots of sports and patriotism at its best. An epic collision to say the least.

Yes, I Bet Wonderful Things Happen In Her Kitchen.

A lifeguard supervises the safety and rescue of swimmers, surfers, and other water sports participants such as in a swimming pool, water park, or beach. Lifeguards are strong swimmers and trained in first aid, certified in water rescue using a variety of aids and equipment depending on requirements of their particular venue. There is a hierarchy of rescue techniques, in order, which minimizes danger to the lifeguard and maximizes the effectiveness of a rescue, and this dictates the types of rescue aids that a lifeguard should have available. Lifeguards are supposed to have some equipment to aid rescues. After determining a swimmer is in trouble they try to help in ways that will not result in a threat to the life of the lifeguard or others. This is done by helping at a distance by using a pole; a lifebuoy may be thrown, wading to the victim, using available watercraft, swim with an aid, such as a torpedo buoy. As a last resort, direct swimming to the apparent victim.

For Christ's Sake Man, Lock That Damned Trapdoor Already.

By this point I would imagine that everyone and their granbdmother knows I'm a huge fan of all things Bruce Campbell -- yes, that even includes Alien Apocalypse with that little redheaded chick from Xena -- so it's always a treat for me to find some behind-the-scenes trivia on his movies. One of his movies with an immense cult following is of course, Evil Dead, which they filmed some 500 years ago. Or so it seems, anyway. But the most dangerous moment of the entire shoot was the ending scene in which Bruce Campbell had to fight off a possessed girl who was trying to stab him. The trouble was that the contact lenses they used for that iconic possessed look were completely opaque so the actress who was supposed to attack him was effectively blind. Oh, and the dagger? It was muthafuckin real. So while the actress' job was to run in Bruce Campbell's general direction, swinging the dagger out in front of her, his job was to not die. If that scene in the movie seems more real than any others, it's because he is legitimately trying to avoid being stabbed. And just for the record, yes, this card scene still gives me goosebumps

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

So Long Ernest Borgnine, We Hardly Knew Ye.

Ernest Borgnine (born Ermes Effron Borgnino) was an American film and television actor whose career spanned more than six decades. He was an unconventional lead in many films of the 1950s, winning an Oscar in 1955 for Marty. On television, he played Quinton McHale in the 1962–1966 series McHale's Navy and co-starred in the mid-1980s action series Airwolf, in addition to a wide variety of other roles. Borgnine joined the United States Navy in 1935, after graduation from James Hillhouse High School

I Hate People, Part... Oh, What Are We Up To Now... Part 7? Part 8? Part 20?

Ernie, I know I don't know you personally, but I have been a long time reader of EHOWA. I also know you have a huge following of good people with big hearts. Recently, a young pit bull was found with wounds that look to be from a dog fight. If there is anything you can do to help, I'm sure Honey would be grateful. Thank you, Cheyne Henry, York, PA

Would That Be An Inappropriate Cake To Give On Your Kid's Birthday?

Remember the angry Jew hating Elmo? Well, this was what happened a few minutes later. I guess he really doesn't like Jews.

Not That I'm Entirely Sure It Will Do Any Good.

Old and busted: Experiencing the San Diego fireworks mishap from far way. The new hotness: Experiencing the San Diego fireworks mishap from up close.

You Might Think That's a Joke, But It's Not.

And well, she seems nice enough.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Thanks Martin, Yes That Did Cheer Me Up.

Global National's Francis Silvaggio and crew were at the scene of an incredible mudslide at Johnsons Landing in British Columbia on Friday. Global News cameras were rolling the whole time. I don't think they were anywhere near as close to death as the guy makes it out to be, but still pretty cool none the less.

So if Need Be, These Restraining Order Thingies Go Both Ways, Right?

Veronica Rothenhausler: "Honey, be home no later than 9 o'clock." Me: "Yes, dear." In fact, I'd better be home by 8:50, just to be safe. And I *think* this is the girl who got knocked the fuck out. And don't act all tough, you know you'd let 'em slap you around some, too.

"With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility." -- Uncle Ben

"Two men who attempted to hold up an Internet cafe were shot and injured by a patron of the business Friday night, according to the Marion County Sheriff's Office. Sheriff's officials said they got a call at 9:54 p.m. about an armed robbery at Palms Internet Cafe, 8444 SW State Road 200. When deputies arrived at the scene, patrons outside the business told them that two men in masks — one armed with a baseball bat and the other with a handgun — had barged into the business. The robbers told the approximately 30 patrons to get on the floor, and they demanded money. Officials said one of the patrons, Samuel Williams, drew his own handgun and shot at the robbers.

I Left You A Landmine. Let's See if You Step On It.

To everyone who wrote in and said that yes, you can still Google search "5.56mm ammo" -- yes dumbasses, I know you can search the web for it, I'm saying that Google is no longer giving shopping results; meaning you can no longer use them for price comparison. Seriously, this isn't part of my great big Google Shopper joke. Sources: forbes.com - gunsandammo.com - thetruthaboutguns.com -- and a shitload more.

Here I Go Again On My Own, Going Down The Only Road I've Ever Known.

Guess what today's post is about. Go ahead. Guess. I dare you. But first let me save all of you some time.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Best Joke So Far: "I Was Going To Go See The New Dark Night Movie, But I'm Waiting For The Crowds To Die Down First."

Remember the Zimmerman/Martin shooting, and how immediately afterwards there was so much speculation in the media, on about almost every facet of the case: Zimmerman was white, white-Hispanic, black-Hispanic, full-Hispanic, a racist, not a racist; Trayvon Martin was a good kid, a thug, on honor roll, a drug dealer, 6' tall, 4' tall; Zimmerman chased Martin, Martin chased Zimmerman.... remember the lesson we learned from all that? How it taught us all not to jump to conclusions and wait until all the facts are made public? Yeah, me neither. Plus as an added bonus, the American Family Association's news director blames mass shooting on: the ACLU, gays, and liberal churches. Ta-da!

Until Next Time, Take Care Of Yourselves And Each Other.

FROM THE LAWYERS: the first Aurora related lawsuit has been filed! Is a surprise: it's been filed by a guy who wasn't actually injured; he's claiming emotional distress.