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Ernie's House of Whoopass! July 18, 2012
July 18, 2012

"With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility." -- Uncle Ben

"Two men who attempted to hold up an Internet cafe were shot and injured by a patron of the business Friday night, according to the Marion County Sheriff's Office. Sheriff's officials said they got a call at 9:54 p.m. about an armed robbery at Palms Internet Cafe, 8444 SW State Road 200. When deputies arrived at the scene, patrons outside the business told them that two men in masks — one armed with a baseball bat and the other with a handgun — had barged into the business. The robbers told the approximately 30 patrons to get on the floor, and they demanded money. Officials said one of the patrons, Samuel Williams, drew his own handgun and shot at the robbers. [read the rest of the article]

I find a few things about this scenario very interesting. First off take a minute and read that article if you haven't already. What story do they tell: Bad guys trying to do bad things get stopped by good guy. Now read an article from the NY Daily News on the same incident, but they tell a different story: Man with gun most likely to be shielded from prosecution for shooting two people. Hell, they even manage to shoehorn in a reference to Zimmerman at the very end. And you can't say that's the difference between a red state and a blue state, because shit, even California is in the old man's corner. it just goes to show you how fucked New York state really is.

About a month or so ago, I was woken out of a sound sleep by someone ringing my doorbell. Since I don't regularly have visitors showing up at 2:30 in the morning, I thought this was rather odd and the first thing I did was grab the handgun that I keep in the nightstand near my bed. Because you're a fucking paranoid nutjob? No. I did it because a common -- well not common like finding a McDonalds with a drive-thru common but common enough that if you Google late night home invasion you'll get a fair number of hits is -- practice for the bad guys is to knock on a door at early hours of the morning and when the sleepy homeowner answers the door a crack, kick it in and do a home invasion. I didn't want to add my name to those Google results, so I decided to answer my door armed. Two benefits I had on my side were: first I have an outside light that I can turn on and second, embedded within the two panes of glass in my front doors are little venttian blinds that allow me a little view out without allowing the outside person a view in, unless they choose to lay on the ground and look up. Once I turned on said light and stole a look outside, I saw shiny black shoes and black pants. And while I'm not an expert on the subject, I don't believe many home invasions are done by perpetrators in shiny shoes. I reacher up and slid the lever that controls the angle of the blinds, so that I could look directly out. "Cape Coral Police Department," came from the other side of the glass and looking back at me was indeed one of Cape Coral's finest; short haircut, black uniform puffed out from his bullet proof vest, and shiny badge on his chest. Reasonably certain there was no danger, I set my .45 down on a nearby coffee table and opened the door. The very same instant his eyes met mine, a big fucking lightbulb went on over my head. "I know exactly why you're knocking," I said. The corners of the officer's mouth curled up just a tiny bit, "And why is that?" "I left my garage door wide open, didn't I?" "Yes you did," the officer nodded and began to push on the screen door latch that lead back out of the entranceway, "I just wanted to let you know."

I thanked the officer profusely, and indeed closed the goddamn garage door. Oddly enough I noticed it earlier when I took the dogs out for their final walk, but with a short term memory like a fucking goldfish, I had forgotten by the time I went back inside. Not that I live in a crime riddled neighborhood, but it wouldn't be impossible for the same police officer to be taking a stolen goods report in the morning, had he not taken the time to stop and give me the opportunity to close off my garage from God and country.

Unfortunately, not all scenarios turn out like this and in the case of Andrew Scott wasn't so lucky. When the Lake County Sheriff's department knocked on his door at 2am in the morning, didn't announce themselves, and Scott answered the door with a handgun? It ended with Scott dead on the floor after being shot by Deputies. The catch in this one: in a mix-up, Deputies were knocking on the wrong door; they were actually trying to arrest of of his neighbors instead. Andrew Scott was just a regular law abiding citizen who chose to protect himself from a stranger knocking on his door at all hours of the morning. Now, going back to the New York vs everyone else way of viewing the situation, an article on a website popular with law Enforcement Officers called officer.com, opens up with, "The victim answered his door armed with a gun, which he pointed at deputies. One of the deputies then fatally shot the man." Furthermore the Sheriff went on to say the Deputies did not announce who they were because they thought it would be more "tactically advantageous."

One of the provisions of Florida's Stand Your Ground law is, I can use deadly force on behalf of someone if they themselves would be justified in using deadly force. Huh Let's say that I'm walking down the street, I look down an alley and see a woman being raped. I can -- on the victim's behalf -- legally use deadly force and shoot her attacker. But a caveat comes with that -- I have to be abso-positivelly-fucking-lutely sure I'm justified in doing what I'm doing. Cough...cough...you hear me George Zimmerman...cough...cough... So again, I'm walking down the street and a running my way is a guy with a terrified look on his face, screaming "Help me! Help me!" Hot on his heels is a second guy chasing right after him, and pointing a gun at first guy. So I think I'll be a hero, pull out my handgun and shoot the guy with a handgun. I'm a hero; I'm Captain Fucking America, am I right? Well, what if the guy I just shot was an undercover cop, and the guy he was chasing was a bank robber. I know, about as awkward as Chyna's Playboy pictorial, right? Now in that instance, do you think the police would be all like, "Shit, Ern. It was an honest mistake, and we know you meant well so we'll just give you a pass on this one. No hard feelings, right?" Fuck no. I'd be charged with capital murder of a police officer -- as I damn well should.

I'm sure whoever it was that pulled the trigger feels horrible, and I don't believe that anyone involved in this shooting woke up that morning and said, "Shit man let's go shoot an innocent guy." But that doesn't negate the fact that that's what happened. Someone needs to take responsibility for this. Be it the Deputies themselves if they misread the warrant or an apartment number, or someone back in the Sheriff's office who maybe mistyped an address, or anyone else involved in some other degree. If the shoe were on the other foot and it was a civilian who accidentally shot a police officer, you can bet your ass there'd be someone in uniform on TV saying that accident or not, manslaughter is manslaughter, or negligent homicide is negligent homicide, or whatever. Someone should wind up in handcuffs over this and not just swept under the rug like the murder of Jose Guerena was.

Oh, and do you know who turns 62 years old today? That's right? Sir Richard Charles Nicholas Branson.

Hey Big Ern, Thought you would enjoy this tale of ass-kicking during a botched robbery. "I want a gold chain" my ass. Enjoy, Thomas

Hey remember me bitching about how Google is censoring their shopping results now, to not include anything firearm related? And if you don't believe me, try it for yourself. Anyway, a few other sites are making an effort to fill that void: Gunspecs.com has imnplemented a shopping-comparison search engine and Slickgun.com has price comparison, browser extensions, and price drop alerts.

With organic and pesticide-free food all the rage these days, growers have to figure out ways to keep that label without also winding up trying to sell crops that are full of bug holes. Tesco, a chain of stores in Britain, decided to require all of the farms they do business with to do this by dumping an army of spiders on the crops to eat the insects. Dubbed "Nature's Choice", the plan is brilliant on paper, as natural predators are a much less environmentally damaging alternative to the harsher pesticides often favored by crop growers. The only problem is the millions of spiders left to their own devices all up in your food. It was only a matter of time until people started finding the little gardeners in their fruit -- one woman went to rinse out a bunch of grapes, only to see a black widow spider come crawling out. I'm pretty sure this is enough reason to eat nothing but freeze-dried astronaut food for the rest of eternity.

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