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Ernie's House of Whoopass! July 24, 2012
July 24, 2012

Until Next Time, Take Care Of Yourselves And Each Other.

FROM THE LAWYERS: the first Aurora related lawsuit has been filed! Is a surprise: it's been filed by a guy who wasn't actually injured; he's claiming emotional distress.

FROM THE MEDIA: if you'd like to improve your credibility on this issue, you will need to do two things. First, if you're going to run a fucking article on the "Aurora Gunman's Lethal Arsenal," at least make an attempt to get your facts straight because it really makes you look like an uninformed asshole. It's like going in to your mechanic and saying, "Yeah man, I've got a flat wheel." "You mean flat tire?" "No man, a flat wheel, can't you see it right there?" And second, quit making shit up. Seriously, how is ABC news even still considered a viable news source anymore? They're like half a step above the Weekly World News.

FROM THE SCHOOLS: A professor in the Aurora area has started a petition to repeal Colorado's Concealed Carry Act, in light of the recent mass-shooting that took place last week. Except here's the corker on that issue. Besides the fact that there wasn't a single person carrying concealed who even had a fucking thing to do with this tragedy, there is no concealed carry in the fucking town of Aurora at all, in addition to the theatre explicitly banning weapons. So the first thing this asshole wants to do is ban concealed carry, even though concealed carry had absolutely fucking dick to do with it. In related news, ban computer speakers because GLOBAL WARMING and ban doctors because ABORTIONS!

FROM HOLLYWOOD: we have Jason Alexander on one side of the fence, versus my main man Ice-T on the other. And just so we're clear, here is Ice-T with what looks like an AR-15 with a 75 or 100 round drum magazine. And yet somehow Mr. Marrow has managed NOT to mow down: a convenience store full of people and their elected official, a school full of high school students, a campus full of college students, a theater full of movie goers, or Elmo, or any of the other hot button demographics. And while we're on the subject of celebrity opinions, a few good 70's movies aside, Chuck Norris is a fucking idiot. Because leave it up to that washed up has-been to ask the hard hitting questions, like is Obama creating a pro-gay Boy Scouts of America? What a fucking maroon. Norris is pretty much the exact opposite of Jon Stewart.

Attention MATT: Previously you asked some questions about Damaged Dolly [very NSFW link]. Well her real name is Sally and she gave a pretty in depth interview to the guys at Vice explaining why she doesn't have boobs or a vagina anymore. How does this strike you, "You know where your pelvic bone is? My vagina hung down about that far and it was just like a mass of... I don't even know. It was like elephantitis of the vagina. It was horrible. It turned out it was Crohn's and chronic inflammation together. I had to have it all removed." Enjoy.

And here is an interview with Michelle Jenneke (who goes by Shelly, apparently) back from the Singapore Games in 2010. Again, she is the chick that the internet is going fucking crazy for, ever since this video surfaced last week.

Today we pay tribute to an often underrated section of the female anatomy: the side boob. Women who would never even consider going topless seem to have no problem showing us a view from the side, and for that reason alone we are eternally grateful. And to show our gratitude, we've compiled this list of our 100 favorite celebrity side boob pics. Keep in mind, we only accepted entries from the outer side of the boob. After all, the inner side is nothing more than regular cleavage, and side boob is a different beast altogether.

Wayne Gretzky is the greatest professional hockey player of all time. He has scored the most goals, assists and points in NHL history in the regular season and the playoffs and also owns the single-season record. The man could outperform any player on any team on any day. He was the man. In 1988 he had a daughter named Paulina. That is when his life would be changed forever. Regardless of how many points he scored, nothing could have prepared him for Twitter and the greatest social media application ever invented for beautiful women, Instagram. He must now spend his days dealing with the millions of ogling fans that flock to his daughter's account just hoping she posts something even sexier than the day before. So, with my apologizes to Mr. Gretzky, here are the sexiest Paulina Gretzky bikini pics ever. You're welcome.

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