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Nope. Even With Those Sunglasses I Recognize You As A Raging Asshole.

Don't think of today's post as me ruining The Expendables 2 for you, think of it as me saving you from wasting two hours of your life.

Let me begin with a huge FUCK YOU to Chuck Norris who refused to appear in this film unless they removed all the swearing from the script. And if Chuck actually had a significant role in this surround-sounded abortion, it would almost be forgivable given his retarded ass religious ideals. But of the entire 103 minutes, this asshole gets a grand total of 5, maybe 6 minutes on film. And it's fucking horrible. Dude, you're 72 fucking years old. Accept your age and show some fucking grey hair in your beard like every other actor, because nobody is buying that Grecian Formula shit. And however many Botox injections later you suffered through, your face still looks like four pounds of fucked pie. And recycling the "Lone Wolf" moniker from when you were younger -- and actually fucking entertaining -- was fucking lame. And having them play the five note whistle intro from The Good The Bad and The Ugly every time you appeared on screen? You got it... fucking lame. And recycling that lame ass king cobra joke as some of your dialogue? Motherfucking LAME. But I suppose what else should I expect from the fucking mouth breathing troglodyte who penned, Is Obama Creating a Pro-Gay Boy Scouts of America? In short, you suck. You are the Tommy Gunn of the Expendables franchise; your career is dead and I hope you will be too. Franchise killing asshole.

Now on to this fucking horrible movie itself: if there was one common theme throughout the entire movie, that the writers never strayed from, it was predictability. Not that you watch an action flick for the clever plot twists, but throw me a fucking curve ball every once in awhile, man. To its credit, Expendables 2 starts off on a good pace, with all of previous members of the cast appearing 2-by-2 on vehicles heading to raid a compound and rescue some Chinese billionaire. There are explosions and gunfire and flipping vehicles and blood spatter and pretty much all the crap you'd expect. That lasts for about three minutes and then as soon as everyone gets out of the vehicles, everything turns to shit. Who is the mysterious figure being held hostage with a bag over his head? Oh that's gotta be Arnold Schwarzenegger. They lift the guy's hood? Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sliding down a zipline to escape and they're shot at? They'll shoot back and kill everyone. They shoot back and kill everyone. Okay everyone is escaping on jet skis now, chasing after Sly Stallone in his plane. What are they going to do, ride their jet skis up into the back of his plane? They ride their jet skis up into the back of his plane. Oh look a huge dam, they'll take off just in time. They take off just in time. And when you have the newest member of the group of mercenaries say, "This life isn't for me, but okay I'll go on this one last mission before I quit and go off to star a life with my girlfriend," you just know what red-shirted motherfucker is going to die in the next five minutes. And the whole fucking movie is like that.

Charisma Carpenter? Remember her? My raven haired vixen who played a semi-important role in the first movie; kind of explained what kind of guy Jason Statham was, drew some parallels between Sly Stallone and the chick he was trying to rescue, and provided the framework for an entertaining sub-plot, right? Completely fucking useless in this second film. They alluded to her having cheated on Statham at some point and how she could do it again, but that was it. Her role bore absolutely no fruit in this film. She didn't even have to show up. Could have been left on the cutting room floor and shaved the movie down to 101 minutes. The same thing with Jet Li. He was on board for the initial assault, but they bails out of the movie -- literally -- less than ten minutes in and that's all you see of him. I kept waiting for him to appear later on and save the day, but that never happened. I guess both Li and Carpenter were both smart and got the fuck off this sinking ship as quickly as they could.

And speaking of useless characters, let's revisit Billy The Kidd -- aka the fucking n00b who said he's going to quit right after this one last mission. Look, I bet Jean-Claude Van Damme is going to stab him. Jean-Claude Van Damme stabs him. But now just in any old plunge the heart in, oh no. Instead he has one of his henchmen hold the knife up to the n00b's chest and Jean-Claude Van Damme proceeded to fucking spin kick the knife into the noob's chest. Why? because it's Jean-Claude Van Damme, and spinning kicks are his bread and butter, that's why. So yeah, we're twenty minutes into the film and I'm already shifting around in my seat and praying for someone to come in through the fire door and start shooting. By all that is fucking holy, I'd run right the fuck up and suck on that shotgun like a bourbon shooting cock while mouthing, "End the pain, end the pain."

But perhaps the biggest What-The-Fuck scene in the entire movie is so, because of its two pronged approach. First, the Expendables crew are rescuing some 100 or so villages who are being worked to death in an underground mine. What are they digging up? Five thousand pounds of plutonium that the Soviets "forgot about" after the Cold War. Like they dug out this enormous fucking mine into the side of a mountain, build a fucking infrastructure in the entire place to include doors, ceilings and huge ass concrete pillars, stored a third of their fucking nuclear arsenal's radioactive fuel there, and then forgot about it like they lost their fucking car keys. Anyway, Bad Guys set off explosives to bring the whole fucking place down on Good Guys and villager's heads. Boom, boom, boom, the explosive charges are following closer and closer and everyone is running towards the camera... and they escape to...? Well, fucking Never-never land as best I can tell. Remember this scene from Independence Day? Imagine that with a hundred plus people, most of whom are "too old and tired to work." Yeah, it's like that. So then they're all trapped in this magical bubble in a collapsed mine with no chance of escape, all resigned to dying and who comes chewing through the fucking wall in some Total Recall'escue digging machine? Oh, please don't let it be Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's right, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'll be back.

Top it all off with a fucking ridiculous 10 Good Guys vs 100 Bad Guys shootout scene where none of the good guys gets a single scratch, and yet still manage to shoot the bad guys with 100% accuracy despite reloading, while flipping midair, backwards, uphill, with the sun in their eyes. And what's this? Both of the #2 guys are fighting hand to hand in front of a helicopter? I bet the bad guy gets kicked into the tail rotor. The bad guy gets kicked into the tail rotor. And to make matters only worse, I'm sure that having each of the big named actors say each other's signature lines sounded good on paper, but in reality it was fucking stupid. For like the fifth time in the fucking movie. Arnold: "I'll be back." Bruce Willis: "You'll be back, you'll be back. You'll always be back. I'll be back this time." Arnold: "Yippie ki-yay." And that's it. That's all he says. He can't say, "Yippie Ki-yay, motherfucker!" You know why? Because Chuck Norris is a withered old washed up franchise killing asshole, that's why. You're welcome.

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