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Ernie's House of Whoopass! October 5, 2012
October 5, 2012

It's Not About Should We Fund It, It's About Having The Least Amount of Impact.

Old and busted: Gangham Style. Hey say what you want, everybody likes it. Anyway. The new hotness: Romney Style cuz he's so fucking awesome. Assuming you know, this kid doesn't come down on him like a ton of bricks. But seriously, let's talk PBS for a minute and why I think cutting the $445 million dollars of government funding would be a complete waste of fucking time. And the following numbers are for the 2011 federal budget as enacted by Congress; the as requested numbers were even worse.

Our federal budget calls for a grant total of $3,630,000,000,000 in expenditures ($3.6T), of which $2,314,000,000,000 comes from taxes ($2.3T) -- that means that last year we had $1,316,000,000,000 more going out than we had coming in ($1.3T). Included in that 3.6 trillion dollars were: $445,000,000 in funding for PBS and $52,700,000,000 in foreign aid to other countries -- some of whom don't even like us, I might add. Egypt? Libya? Afghanistan? Iraq? Pakistan? Yes, I'm talking to you. To use an example from a few years ago for perspective, cutting PBS is the equivalent to cutting 3 whole pennies. Drops in the ocean man! So here's an idea: here are some much better places to start cutting the fat. The money we've dumped into Iraq in 2007 and 2008 alone could fund PBS for almost 43 years.

But if you're anything like me, you start to lose perspective when the numbers end in "-illions" so let's reduce those numbers down proportionately to see if we can't get a better grasp on things. So instead of a federal budget dealing with the trillions, let's think of it as a household budget based upon a $60,000 annual salary -- which in case you're curious, is 1/38,566,666th the federal budget...

Federal Budget


Household Budget


Your Salary



Your Expenses






PBS Funding



Foreign Aid


So let's say that you make $60,000 at your job but you've got this wild and fucking crazy year planned to the point where you're spending one and a half times what you actually earn. In addition to the basics like food, clothing and shelter, you're going to go skydiving and rent a Ferrari and fly to Germany for Oktoberfest and to Spain to run with the bulls and to Ireland for St Patrick's Day and to Egypt to see the pyramids, and buy a boat and buy a new 102" flatscreen television, and get a little liposuction done, and drive across the country, and put yourself back in school, and maybe get a new surround sound system, and buy a new motorcycle, and buy a boat -- fuck that, buy TWO boats -- and throw a block party for your neighbors, and put your kids in private school, and buy the wife those new tits you've always wanted, and start a business, and all sorts of shit like that. Hell of a year planned, yes? But doing all that costs $94k large, which puts you in the hole big time. So you get a call from your accountant who says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa there Spinich Chin. You can't afford to go through life nigger rich, you've got to start cutting back on your spending or you're gonna go fucking broke!"

And so you sit down and look at all the crazy shit you've got planned and realize that cutting $34 G's from your plans is going to require some serious belt tightening. Think about it, cutting $34,122 a year, is $2,843 a month! That's going to take some serious cutbacks. If I told you that right now, you had to cut almost $3 grand in expenditures each month, how would you do it? Maybe downsize to a smaller house? Get rid of that second and third car? Put off going back to college? Maybe not throw that block party for your neighbors this year? All of those would be significant steps in the right direction. But I'm pretty sure if I were your accountant and after presenting this situation to you, you came back and told me that your first step towards digging yourself out of the red was to cancel your annual subscription to National geographic, I think I'd punch you right in your fucking face. That's not even a step in the right direction, at $0.96 per month that's barely shuffling your feet. I mean seriously, could you imagine trying to solve your financial woes by cutting a $12 a year expense; or even a dozen $12/year expenses? It's fucking pointless and there are a hell of a lot better places to be looking to cut back first.

In celebration of Hulk Hogan's sex tape making its rounds, let's relive a little of his glory days. Hogan's mid-'80s dominance in professional wrestling both revolutionized the sport and took it mainstream. In 1985, Hulk Hogan and Mr. T were invited onto the show Hot Properties, hosted by Richard Belzer, long before he started arresting perverts on Law and Order: SVU. Belzer, who looks like he weighs about 102 pounds after a dinner with Christopher Walken, prodded Hogan to show him some basic wrestling moves, and Hogan obliged. Keep in mind, at the time professional wrestling was still adamant that everything in the ring was real, so when some weedy talk show host challenged Hogan to put a hold on him, Hogan's natural inclination was to hurt the guy. So Hulk Hogan, who had been growing increasingly more furious throughout the show, put Belzer in a front chin lock and, whether out of anger or because Belzer weighed about as much as paper, put enough pressure on the lock to close Belzer's airway. It was only a few seconds before Belzer went completely limp. Like Lenny accidentally crushing a rabbit, a tiny portion of Hogan's brain suspected that something was wrong and he let go. Belzer then crumpled to the floor, completely unconscious, while Hogan stood there and watched him fall. Belzer's head smacked hard on the concrete floor.

Help me out here, Ernie... I know you've posted it in the past, but I can't find it. What's the place to go to find values on used handguns? I have a S&W 915 I want to sell/trade in on something bigger. Thanks for all you do! Joel

Well there are a few places to check actually. For starers, this place bills themselves as an online firearm appraiser, but their numbers are way the fuck out of date. As I learned with Earl, no matter what the appraisal report says, something is only worth what someone else is willing to pay for it. Looking on Gunbroker, I see a few for $350+ with no pictures and bidders, one that looks almost brand new for $380, and a shit ton of used ones for around $230. And then this guy says he got one for $225 out the door from a local gun shop. My advice: if it's a reliable gun and you're familiar with it, I wouldn't consider trading it in; they're not going to be able to give you anywhere close to what a good reliable handgun is worth. It's like trying to sell a fifteen year old Ford Taurus that runs like a champ; no matter how great a car it is, you're only going to get offered a pittance. Either hang on to it, or sell it privately via the Alabama section of Armslist before going to look for a new handgun.

Old and busted: secret Taco Bell menu items. The new hotness: secret McDonalds menu items -- but as a guy who cut his teeth at McDoanlds on Lyell avenue (it's since been torn down), I call bullshit on half of these items and I can attest first hand that the McGangbang is absolutely horrible.

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