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Ernie's House of Whoopass! January 4, 2013
January 4, 2013

Its A Saturday Night Special, Got A Barrel That's Blue And Cold.

Ernie, Gotta ask you a question as you are the only person I have access to with this knowledge. There has been a huge increase in gas station robberies in Houston - my wife has been targeted twice but never confronted. I need to know what is a decent gun to get her that she can easily fire and carry in her purse. Preferably something that costs less that $200 so I can get 2 of them. I found this on Slickguns but really have no idea what we need. Let me know what you think. Thank you, Aaron


Normally when someone asks me for a firearm recommendation, the first suggestion I'm willing to make is to urge them to visit a local gun range that rents firearms and see what fits. In your particular case, where you've got a limited budget to work with -- under $200 for a reliable handgun is tough but not impossible -- you're going to have to sacrifice a little form for function. Now if you were only looking for a single firearm under $200, I'd steer you towards buying used from someone locally to you. I picked up a Bersa Thunder .380 for $200 a few weeks ago, and it's been flawless. But you're looking for two and finding two used guns the same is a little needle-in-a-haystack'ey. So if the Sig Sauers of the world can be considered the Mercedes S Class's of the gun world, if we consider the Berettas to be sleek curvy Ferraris, and the Glocks to be tough but reliable BMW 3-series, then what you're looking for is your father's old 1990 Ford Taurus station wagon. The car that despite its anything but sleek styling, with its big cumbersome body and uncomfortable seats, always started when you turned the key and always got you to where you wanted to go. What you sir are looking for, is a Hi-Point.

So let be begin by saying this recommendation comes as somewhat here-say. That is to say I don't own any Hi-Point firearms myself, but from every source I've ever read on them, owners invariably have two things to say about their guns. The first is that they are the ugliest, heaviest, most awkward, eyesores ever to have graced a firing range, looking like it was designed by the combined efforts of Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles. And the second thing is that always, always, always go bang when you pull the trigger. Always. They are for lack of better words, virtually indestructible. And in the super rare once in a lifetime event that something does go wrong, Hi-Point's no-questions-asked lifetime warranty repair is nothing short of top notch. Gun snobs shit on Hi-Point for the former reason, but are always willing to tip their hat when no one is looking, because of the latter. And the added bulk of ther Hi-Point will allow you to step up to a larger caliber -- perhaps to a 9mm or .40 S&W -- without probably less felt recoil than a pocket .380. No one will ever stop you at the range to admire your Hi-Point, nor will a throng of admirerer ask you to send a few rounds downrange with it, nor is it something you'll be passing on to your great-grandchildren to be a family heirloom. But it will without a doubt get the job done. I guess you can think of Hi-Points as the Pam's of the firearm world.

Making your quest a little more difficult, you have picked the absolute worst fucking time to decide to buy a gun. The market has been tapped out and stretched thin as everyone prepares for the worst. Your hunt to find one online will be a daunting one, but I'm sure you'll find one if you look hard enough. Also, consider looking at local gunshops; the 6-8% sales tax you'll pay on a $150 gun will be less than the $25 you'll pay to ship it plus the $25-$25 transfer fees at your local FFL. I am quite comfortable you'll be able to get your hands on two of these for well under $200 each. And I do recommend that after you and your wife both try a little hands on, you both decide on one model to fit you both and buy two of the same. You'll only be stocking one caliber ammunition, magazines will be interchangeable, and you won't have to worry about being familiar with which one you grab in the event of a crisis. But let's hope it never comes to that, eh? Stay safe, let me know what you decide and of course, be careful when taking gangsta photos for your Facebook profile.

And here's a little added tidbit: each year more people are killed with hammers and clubs than they are rifles; and that included bolt action rifles, semi-automatic rifles and OMGBABYKILLINGASSAULTRIFLES.

Man in Kolkotta, India beheaded his sister because she had an extra-marital affair, then walked down the street with the machete in one hand and her head in the other and reported to police what he had done. This man following him with the camera is braver than me. I wouldn't film that unless I had a long telephoto lens and a sniper backup. The reaction of the people around him is disturbing, too. They don't seem to be too concerned, like maybe this has happened before and it's no big deal. The report doesn't say what happened to the guy she was sleeping with. - David

You may or may not know the name Taylor Morris -- he's the Navy EOD guy who got blown the fuck up in the Kandahar province in Afghanistan. After those Chivers raised almost $250,000 towards his recovery, Taylor returned home to Iowa. Amidst his recoiverym he's got one goal in mind: to drift with Ken Block. And you know this shit is gonna happen.

Dazzle camouflage was a family of ship camouflage used extensively in World War I and to a lesser extent in World War II. Credited to artist Norman Wilkinson, it consisted of complex patterns of geometric shapes in contrasting colors, interrupting and intersecting each other. Unlike most other forms of camouflage, dazzle works not by offering concealment but by making it difficult to estimate a target's range, speed and heading. Norman Wilkinson explained in 1919 that dazzle was intended more to mislead the enemy as to the correct position to take up than actually to miss his shot when firing. Dazzle was adopted by the British Admiralty and the U.S. Navy with little evaluation. Each ship's dazzle pattern was also unique, to avoid making classes of ships instantly recognisable to the enemy. The result was that a profusion of dazzle schemes was tried, and the evidence for their success was at best mixed.

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