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Ernie's House of Whoopass! July 2, 2013
July 2, 2013

I Don't Care How Old I Get, Boob Jokes Will Always Be In Vogue.

So I am okay with the police acting like this. But I am NOT okay with the police acting like this. And for that matter, neither would Jimmy Stewart.

You see, John William "Johnny" Carson was an American television host and comedian, known for thirty years as host of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962–1992). Carson received six Emmy Awards, the Governor's Award, and a 1985 Peabody Award. He was inducted into the Television Academy Hall of Fame in 1987. Johnny Carson was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1992 and received a Kennedy Center Honor in 1993. Although his show was already successful by the end of the 1960s, during the 1970s Carson became an American icon and remained so until his retirement in 1992. He adopted a casual, conversational approach with extensive interaction with guests, an approach pioneered by Arthur Godfrey and previous Tonight Show hosts Steve Allen and Jack Paar. Late-night hosts David Letterman, Jay Leno, Craig Ferguson, Conan O'Brien, and future Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon have all cited Carson's influence on their late-night talk shows, which resemble his in format and tone.

Carl Matthes is the sole survivor after an Arizona wildfire took the lives of a group of firemen that resulted in the biggest lost of firefighters in a wildfire in 80 years; his Facebook page has tons of hotshot photos. So long Hotshot 19, we hardly knew ye.

This past Saturday morning I got into playing this little Prince of Persia knockoff, and before I knew it, two hours had strolled by. It got me to thinking about all the old school games that I used to play in the 386 era, and how much honest and pre entertainment I got from those old games. Well my mental wayback machine took me back even further -- Atari's Adventure -- nah, that's a little too far, although still a shitload of fun. I was thinking back to The Bard's Tale, played on my trusty Commodore 64. I remember those fucking Samurai statues that would come to life and fucking decimate my party. I remember honestly scared at night time, because I knew more monsters would come out. I remember having to decide between being healed by the monks, or buying Spell Points, because i didn't have enough gold to buy both. But perhaps most of all, I remember that fucking map. It seemed to huge! Turns out it's tiny by today's standards; each dungeon level was set on a fixed 22 by 22 grid. But you know, now with computers having so much more memory, my beloved Skara Brae -- which is actually based upon a real town, as it turns out -- seems tiny by today's gaming standards.

Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. What we did *was* wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain... and an athlete... and a basket case... a princess... and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.

Nothing to see here, just a cow getting fucked by a bull and getting hit by a car. Don't worry, your future ribeye is fine.

And not to get all depressing or anything, but are you in the market to buy a home, but worried because home prices are rising? Worried about being able to quality for that new mortgage since interest rates are climbing at record levels? Worried about being able to make the meager payments on that shiny new Ford you just brought home? That's cool. But you should also know that Flo-Rida just bought a gold chrome Bugatti Veyron. Enjoy your work day and I hope your boss isn't too much of an asshole.

Anyway, screw you guys, I'm off to find some .22LR ammo and then play with myself for a few hours.

iraq vet slams legislators over ny safe act: “my right trumps your dead! i earned it in blood!”


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