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Ernie's House of Whoopass! September 12, 2013
September 12, 2013

These Blast Points; Too Accurate For Sand People. Only Imperial Stormtroopers Are So Precise.

For the most part, the city of Cape Coral is a pretty safe place to live. It's not quite as safe as where I used to live, but when you consider Cape Coral is the 4th largest city in the 9th largest state, we're not doing too bad. Especially when compared to other parts of Florida or even the rest of the country. As a whole, people down here are pretty relaxed; a good portion of the population are retired, everyone always has a frozen margarita in their hand, and who wants to get all pissy when the sun is always shining? But if there's one down side to that -- everyone always has a frozen margarita in their hand -- it's the crimes that come hand in hand with an endless supply of happy hour prices. I don't remember any DUI roadblocks up north, and I lived in Chelmsford for 13 years. Down here? They're every or every-other weekend. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just a byproduct of the environment.

Anyway, so I'm browsing the local news this past Saturday morning and come across this article. Cliff Notes version is: man and woman in car, car hits tree, driver killed and female passenger in hospital. Out of morbid curiosity I sat and stared at that picture and tried to see if I could imagine what kind of car it was. I couldn't. Tried to search some info on the burn victim, but came up empty save for what her house looks like in Google. No pictures of her to be found anywhere, save the obligatory Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen joke. Figured I'd give it a few days to see what new information gets released.

But based upon the initial article, this is right about where it happened and as you head farther south down Rose Garden road, you really head into some hoighty-toighty shit. I'm talking private gated resorts and multi-million dollar home and twenty-story condominiums; my neighbor said he looked at a place at a condo at Tarpon Point (complex at the end of that road) and the monthly maintenance fee was -- and prepare yourself -- $1,600 fucking dollars. Per month. Like stupid crazy money.

So anyway, yesterday they finally identify the driver who burned to death -- whether that means the passenger was able to speak or they used some other method, I do not know -- and it turns out the guy's name was Patrick Logue and the mangled wreckage that became his crematorium was once a Cobra kit car. The article also went on to mention he was a prominent businessman in the area, so I decided to do some snooping. After a couple of DUI's back in 1995 and 2003, turns out Logue made his bones back in the 2004 housing boom. He evidently made a shit ton of money when he sold his company back in 2005, but that wasn't enough to distance himself from a lawsuit over a deal that went bad back in 2006. He was also investigated by the state of Florida back in 2007.

But perhaps what I found most interesting wasn't Logue's professional life, but his private one. Keeping in mind he was 56 at the time of his death, and his now medium-well passenger was two days shy of her 29th birthday, turns out Logue had a thing for the younger ladies and had no problem being the sugar daddy. And based upon when the crash happened (12:30am) and where in relation to where he lived -- yeah in that expensive ass Tarpon Point complex -- I would have to imaging someone was rushing home at the prospect of some younger hotbox. And before you say, "Good for him!" keep in mind that he bought his condo back in 2006 -- at the peak of the market -- and paid $2.1 million for a place now assesses at $1 million. And in addition to that $1,600 per month maintenance fee, he also pays $19k per year in property taxes. So sit and think about that for a minute. He buys the place outright, and it still costs -- well, used to cost -- over $3k a month in taxes and maintenance. Plus who the fuck knows what he pays to insure a $1 million dollar condo. Crazy money.

And speaking of assholes with too much money, how about Bloomberg and that Colorado recall, eh? "The Colorado recall battle drew more than $3.5 million in campaign contributions. But the bulk of it - nearly $3 million - came from opponents of the recall drive who support stricter gun control... New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who founded Mayors Against Illegal Guns, wrote a $350,000 personal check to the anti-recall campaigns.... Only about $500,000 came from the pro-gun lobby, including $368,000 donated by the National Rifle Association..." And yet despite this -- fuck you, Citizens United -- the folks of Colorado came through. Good for them, because I think this is just an indicator of things to come. But before anyone gets too excited about Bloomy wasting $350k in the Colorado recall, remember that he's worth $27 Billion dollars. That's $27,000,000,000 and invested at a *very modest* rate of 2% interest per annum, returns $540,000,000 per year, $45,000,000 per month, $1,500,000 per day, or $62,500 PER HOUR. That means in order to recoop that $350,000 he donated to help defend Morse/Giron, he will have to do no more than sit on his big pompous ass for 5.6 hours and watch the Matrix trilogy. Which to be fair, parts II and III are probably punishment enough.

And from the I'm-Not-Just-The-President-I'm-Also-A-Client department: If you sneak a peak under my bed, you'll see many'o'cases of Russian surplus 54R. Why do I stockpile this shit up? Because fuck man, it's surplus ammo left over from the fucking Cold War; they're not going to make any more of it. Once it's gone, it's gone. When when I get the chance to pick a case of 7.62x54R for $166 shipped to my door using coupon "SH997" for free shipping, like I did this morning, I fucking do it man.

So what's the plan then? We take Pete's car, we drive over to Mum's, we go in, take care of Philip - "I'm so sorry, Philip" - then we grab Mum, we go over to Liz's place, hole up, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over. Why have we got to go to Liz's? If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke. Okay, Take car. Go to Mum's. Kill Phil - "Sorry." - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold? Yeah, boyyyeee! No doubt part of Simon Pegg's

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If you're a fan of IGN's Naomi Kyle -- and let's be honest, why wouldn't you be -- here's a video of her (and several other people) getting the living shit scared out of them while playing Outlast. How that doesn't make this list of the scariest moments, blows my fucking mind.

Also, I changed how Can You Spot works; now when you click on the picture, it automatically advances you tot he next one. So no more need to work through the archives, which got kind of clumsy. Also, random selector.

I'm pretty sure I say this every time I link a WAG list, but it really does seem like the wives and girlfriends of NFL players are getting hotter every year. For example, normally it's not that difficult to pick out the top five. This year, however, it was pretty challenging to pick out the top 15... cough... cough... #12 gymnast Nicole Pechanec... cough... that's how strong the field is.

Also, Michael J Fox caught some guy illegally dumping trash.

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