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Ernie's House of Whoopass! September 17, 2013
September 17, 2013

Happy Constitution Day, Bitches!

Here are Ben Franklin's thoughts about the Constitution, on the day it was signed.

On June 24, 1994, Czar 52, a USAF B-52H Stratofortress, crashed during an airshow practice at Fairchild AFB. After having rehearsed the maneuvers profile that in itself was dangerous to fly in a B-52, the aircraft came into land. Due to a KC-135 Stratotanker still being on the runway, the aircraft was required to make a go around. After beginning a 360-degree turn left, the aircraft exceeded 90 degrees angle of bank, stalled and crashed into the ground. All four aircrew members were killed in the crash.

I remember exactly when this happened because it was just four days after the tragic shootings at the Fairchild AFB Hospital, where an airman brought an AK-47 to the hospital to kill his psychiatrist and anyone else who got in his way. First to respond to that threat was 25 year old Senior Airman Andrew Brown, with the 92nd Air Force Security Police Squadron, who was patrolling the base's housing areas on a bicycle, when he received an emergency call on his radio. He pedaled his ass off for a quarter-mile and, while still some 70 yards away, spotted Dean Melberg firing at scores of panic stricken people in the parking lot. Brown ditched his bicycle and ordered the gunman to drop his weapon. When Mellberg turned and shot at him, Brown dropped into a combat crouch and returned fire with his 9mm Beretta M9 semiautomatic pistol. He fired four rounds; two missed, one hit him in the shoulder and one struck him right between his fucking eyes, killing him instantly. if you want more of the nuts and bolts of the Fairchild shooting, there's a great write up here.

But as a young Airman at the time, it was kind of a roller coaster week for me. On one hand some fucking guy went crazy and shot up and Air Force base; yet on the flip side everyone kept talking about how the SP dude did a remarkable job in stopping him. I remember being somewhat bemused about all the attention the Security Policeman was getting, I mean that was his job, right? And in regards to the crash, four fellow blue suiters had just died, but at the same time I've always been absolutely captivated by the concept of plane crashes and holy shit, this one was actually captured on film. Also, little did I know that I'd get to feast my attention again the following year, when an AWACS would crash at Elmendorf AFB, following an encounter with a flock of geese. Looking back, it wouldn't be until much later in life that I would come to appreciate how truly fantastic a 70-yard pistol shot really is; made even more remarkable when you consider he had just gotten off a bicycle and was probably breathing like Darth Vader. And the second thing I was not aware of was that one year prior in 1993, then president Clinton pushed through Regulation 90-114, which regulates firearms on military bases.

In March 1993, the Army imposed regulations forbidding military personnel from carrying their personal firearms and making it almost impossible for commanders to issue firearms to soldiers in the U.S. for personal protection. For the most part, only military police regularly carry firearms on base, and their presence is stretched thin by high demand for MPs in war zones. [more]

For those of you not in the know -- and yes Moms Demand Action and your "The Navy Yard is a secure military facility, with armed guards posted throughout..." -- I'm talking to you, getting onto a military installation is really a lot like driving across the border from Canada. You stop at a guard shack and show the armed guard your identification, and tell them where you're going and why. If you work or live on the base, odds are you've seen the guard before and he's seen you; and thus your daily interaction with armed personnel is nothing more than a smile, a nod and you go about your merry way. There are no armed guards posted on every corner, or outside the doors of all the buildings; that's Hollywood shit. Once you're on the base, it's absolutely no different that driving around, say, a college campus. There are dorms and office buildings and convenience stores and bowling alleys and houses and ballparks... but no armed personnel anywhere. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Take a look at this photo from the Fort Hood shooting, showing army personnel taking cover behind a wall. Stop for a second and really soak up what you're seeing. Trained Army personnel -- professional soldiers -- crouching behind a wall, unable to address the threat because none of them has a weapon. In fact, the only thing these unarmed soldiers can do is use a mobile phone to call... that's right... other soldiers who do have guns. So we trust these highly trained individuals to walk around in other countries while carrying fully automatic rifles, sidearms, machine guns, hand grenades, and rocket launchers, but don't trust them to walk around their own base with a handgun? Isn't that kind of, well, fucking absurd?

But enough on these folks who should have guns but don't, tomorrow we talk about people who do have guns but shouldn't. Right after a bunch of people shit on me for not knowing that currywurst is...

FIRST: Hey Ern, I believe the ???ywurst in your picture today is currywurst. I've had some from a local German butcher shop in Port Charlotte, not too far north of you. If you ever get a hankling for some good whatever-wurst, it's worth the trip up there. Just don't go on a Sunday or Monday; they're closed. Looking forward to LBEH starting up soon. Mike

WIKIPEDIA: E. Maybe it's Currywurst? Neil

RECIPE: I don't know where the sign in question from the 9/13/13 post is but I assume the sausage is currywurst... Hope this helps, keep up the good work! - rahji

THE BABE: Hey Ernie, You might have gotten the info on that Scarlet Johansson look a like, but in case you didn't the sign says currywurst. It's a spicy sausage that's popular in Germany, and the woman is Darvoka Tovilo, otherwise known as Miss Transparent. Do yourself a favor and do a GIS search for her. Scott

MUSEUM: Hey Ernie, I'm a little over half German (my Mom is German and some of my dads family. Spent about 9 years in Europe out of 20 and counting in the Army. I'm pretty sure what the sign said is currywurst. Check this out. Take care -CMF

There were more -- fucking lots more, actually. I'm prety sure I could turn it into a fucking meme, if I gathered up all the replies, but you know. Time constraints.

I dunno, maybe it's the combination of light skin and dark hair, but does anyone else have a raging boner for Laura Fraser? Or you may better know her as Lydia from Breaking Bad, or if you go back a decade, Kate the female blacksmith in Knight's Tale. Of course I did some searching to see if she's ever done a topless scene and well, mostly yes but sorta no. She's done a few scenes, but none with gratuitous boobage. And sure, if you're lucky, you can still score some free tickets to see the Breaking bad cast on Conan, but if Laura isn't going to be there, then what's the point?

There are some drawbacks to following a hundred of porn stars on Instagram. Or actually, there is really only one drawback: if people, like your girlfriend or your boss, see that you are following all these women, they might think you're a bit of a perv. So if you're the sort of person who is worried about that kind of thing, you might want to create a second, anonymous Instagram account. Other than that though, following these 100 porn stars on Instagram is a great way to balance all those boring pics currently on your Instagram feed.


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