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Ernie's House of Whoopass! September 23, 2013
September 23, 2013

Jesus, The Kid's Got A Goddamn Helmet On, What More Do You Want?

Rocky Lockridge is an American former boxer. As a professional, he is best known for handing Roger Mayweather his first defeat—a first-round knockout after just 98 seconds—earning him the WBA super featherweight championship. For the past two decades, Lockridge has suffered drug problems and became homeless after a stroke forced him to walk with a cane. Lockridge recently had a comeback fight against an unknown opponent in an open air venue. The fight was sponsored by Rockstar Energy Drink and featured plenty of pre-fight smack talk by his opponent. Rocky won by KO in the first round, knocking the larger, unskilled fighter down and out with the first shots thrown. That's a lot of red, although decidedly less gruesome than a Mortal Kombat fatality.

The Lone Star Brewery, built in 1884, was the first large, mechanized brewery in Texas. Adolphus Busch, of Anheuser-Busch, founded it along with a group of San Antonio businessmen. The castle-like building now houses the San Antonio Museum of Art. Lone Star beer was the company's main brand. It was marketed as "The National Beer of Texas." In 2000, the brewery was closed. Production of Lone Star is currently contracted out to non-Pabst owned breweries (e.g. Miller Brewing Company in Fort Worth). The Lone Star name is used in the Philippines under license to Asia Brewery for a brand of light beer.

So Louis C.K. is either the greatest fucking parent to ever walk the earth, or is borderline suicidal. I haven't quite decided which.

In her 2008 novel Die letzte Spur (The Last Track), we follow protagonist Elaine Dawson who wants to travel to the wedding of a friend to Gibraltar, all flights are canceled at Heathrow because of fog. Instead of waiting in the departure lounge, she accepts the offer of a stranger to stay in his apartment - and will never be seen again from that moment on. Five years later, the journalist Rosanna Hamilton rolls out the new case. Suddenly, there is evidence that Elaine is still alive. But when Rosanna follows these traces, it has no idea that she will soon float themselves in mortal danger. Die letzte Spur is available in both paperback and hardcover.

They just don't make em like they used to! No wonder Dodge vehicles had a good reputation. This film was made by the Dodge Brothers in the 1920s to promote their vehicle. Try this in your SUV or FWD truck; its impossible. Ron

Hey Ernie, I recently received my concealed carry license, but was wondering what you think are good choices to carry on the job. I'm self employed and go into some seedy homes. Need something small framed but with decent stopping power. Stay cool, thanks. Randy

The short answer is there is no one-size-fits-all answer that I can give you, so you'll have to settle for a few suggestions, all of which are subject to my own personal prejudices. Three things to consider: revolver or semi-automatic, price range, and personal preference. For a first gun, I'm a huge fan of the KISS principle and no, I am not referring to Gene Simmon's merchandising empire. To me, a simple handgun means either a striker fires semi-automatic pistol without an external safety, or a good old fashioned revolver. And don't be frightened by the absence of external safety; if you adhere to the four rules of firearm safety, it's a non issue. Smith and Wesson makes some great concealed carry pistols, although they've had a few hiccups recently in regards to quality control. Kahr's PM series are very small and very concealable, but I've never personally fired one so I can't say yeah or neah. So once again pointing to the ugly-as-a-brick but reliable-as-a-brick, I'd point you towards a used subcompact Glock. Remember that right after Sandy Hook, everyone and their fucking grandmother went out and bought whatever semi-automatic firearm they could lay their hands on, both rifle and pisto alike. So right about now the market is starting to show an influx of new or like-new guns that people with buyer's remorse are looking to unload. A new Glock should run about $525-$550 out the door, so presumably you still live near Greenville -- STALK STALK STALK STALK KILL KILL KILL KILL -- here are a few choices for a lightly used firearm: Glock 30 for $500, a Glock 36 for $490, both of which you should be able to get for $450. And this Glock 26 with extra mags asking $600 -- the guy is trying to get as much of his money back as he can -- which if you wait a week or so, you should be able to get down to $500-$520.

Revolvers. They may not be as flashy as their brethren but a revolver has several advantages over a semi-automatic: you simply can't limp-wrist a revolver, revolvers don't fail to feed or fail to eject, they're not picky about ammo, they're easy to clean, and -- in a emergency -- can be fired through a pocket, holster, purse, bag, whatever. Small concealable revolvers come in two flavors: aluminum and steel. Aluminum is obviously the lighter of the two, but the trade off it snappier recoil since the revolver itself can't provide much inertia. Personally I prefer steel; I'd rather carry the heavier weight and have less felt recoil. I occasionally shoot with a couple and she had an airweight S&W revolver chambered in .38 Special and she fired that and then my father's all steel Model 64 from the early 80's... and sold her airweight two weeks later. And this isn't some macho thing, I just think airweights suck. The picking are kinda slim up where you are, but I managed to find a couple. Keep in mind a nice revolver is going to cost more than a semi-automatic but you'll be able to hand the revolver down to your great-grandson one day, where as the polymer based pistol has a more finite life span. First there's this super sweet hammerless S&W model 640; they were constructed entirely of stainless steel until 1995, afterwards models were changed over to the aluminum airweights. That one doesn't specify which one, but looks steel'ish to me. Or there's a nice S&W model 66 for $650. You should be able to get into either of those for $600. Should you go the S&W revolver route, consider staying away from anything manufactured between 2001 and 2009, which are the years they were implementing the internal lock (4th pic down). It's not a safety thing, I just think the lock hole look like shit and detracts from the lines of the gun.

If however, budgetary constraints keep you in the $300'ish range, here's a list of the most popular concealed carry handguns under $300. My pick on that list would be a Bersa Thunder 380 -- I had the PF9 and sold it -- and picked up a used Bersa Thunder 380 up for $200 -- from a fucking pastor, if you can believe it. It's a great little fucking gun and lives in a secret place in my house. You'll notice a few revolvers towards the end, but nothing with the classic look that old revolvers like my father's Model 64 and the Model 36 Chief's Special have. In the end though Randy, here's what you want to do. Head down to a local gun range that rents firearms. See, touch, feel. Because a wise man once said, "Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some." Also, the last time I gave someone advice like this, I poured my fucking heart out over this four page email and in the end he ended up buying a FNH FNX-9. Not because it's a great weapon (it is), not because he did any research on it (he didn't), but because that's what they used in Stargate SG1. No shit.

And only five weeks to Halloween: I met him, fifteen years ago; I was told there was nothing left; no reason, no conscience, no understanding; and even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, of good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil. Ultimately I watched him for fifteen years, sitting in a room, staring at a wall, not seeing the wall, looking past the wall - looking at this night, inhumanly patient, waiting for some secret, silent alarm to trigger him off. Death has come to your little town, Sheriff. Now you can either ignore it, or you can help me to stop it

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