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The Last Time There Was A Government Shutdown, I Had to Mow The Grass.

Old and busted: Grand Theft Auto V Mythbusters Episode 1. The new hotness: Grand Theft Auto V Mythbusters Episode 2. Also, here's the Grand Theft Auto V Cheat Guide.

Sorry Folks, America Is Closed. The Moose Out Front Should Have Told Ya.

Unless you killed Hitler, nuked the Japs, and don't give a fuck. Or if you're a douchebag cunt named Jonathan Chait. Either way.

Let's Just Have Unrestrained Anarchy For a Couple Of Years Just To Clean Things Up A Little.

If you want a perfect example of a cop doing it right, take a look at how Oregon officer Mike Nork of the Klamath Falls police deals with two attention seeking dipshits. By the time the 2:40 mark rolls around, the attention whore with the camera is rendered speechless by Officer Nork's subject knowledge and professionalism. I know this encounter is old but that's what we all like to see, because now a year later when the KFPD has to shoot someone to death, I won't even raise an eyebrow because they've already earned their Good Guy Cop card. The same thing goes for the Newark, California police department. But the Jones County Sheriff's Office in Georgia? Let me tell you something. YOU'RE SUSPECT.

Suddenly Canada Doesn't Look So Bad Anymore.

An automated pool cleaner is a vacuum cleaner intended to collect debris and sediment from swimming pools with minimal human intervention. It is one of several types of swimming pool vacuum cleaners. Other major types are battery-powered or manually powered wands effective only for very small pools, kiddie or wading pools and small spas and hot tubs, and battery-powered, handheld/extended reach pool and spa vacuums. The latter are powered by rechargeable batteries and can be hand held attached to a telescopic pole used for extended reach. These are used for small to medium-sized pools, larger spas, and to spot clean larger pools.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

I Scream, You Scream. We All Scream For... ... Wait, is That Ballscream?

Mildly entertaining: after highlighting the sexual history of Heidi Klum last week, here she turns on up on the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine.

My Optimism Wears Heavy Boots And Is Loud. - Henry Rollins

The heart-shaped silhouette of the strawberry is the first clue that this fruit is good for you. These potent little packages protect your heart, increase HDL (good) cholesterol, lower your blood pressure, and guard against cancer. Packed with vitamins, fiber, and particularly high levels of antioxidants known as polyphenols, strawberries are a sodium-free, fat-free, cholesterol-free, low-calorie food. They are among the top 20 fruits in antioxidant capacity and are a good source of manganese and potassium. Just one serving -- about eight strawberries -- provides more vitamin C than an orange.

Insert Your Favorite Title Here.

I'm sorry but any 35 year old man who is gainfully employed making $90,000 a year and chooses to opts out of his employer health benefits in favor of joining Obamacare, is either woefully ignorant of how it works, or is a lazy piece of shit trying to milk the system. Either way, I wish them financial ruin.

"Let Justice Be Done Though The Heavens Should Fall." -- John Adams In A Letter In 1777

The next revolution has humble beginnings.

Dude, That is NOT A Fleshlight. Why Would You Even Try?

Tying the knot in any culture comes with a laundry list of traditions and rituals, including the old rhyme, "something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue." Here is a wedding traditions from around the world that go beyond the white dress and veil. The first couple joins hands and forms an arch. The second couple dances under the arch and then adds their hands making the arch a little bigger. The third couple dances under the arch and then joins their hands together, and so the arch grows with each new couple becoming a part of the arch after they've danced under its length. When the last couple has joined the arch, the first couple gets to dance under everybody's joined hands. This process continues until each couple gets to dance through this human tunnel, which when long enough, can wind its way back and forth several times over the dance floor. Yeah it took me a minute, too, but then I was like HOLY SHIT her tit popped out!

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Relax, It's Just A Weird Cloud Formatoion At Sunset.

A printing press is a device for evenly printing ink on to a print medium such as paper or cloth. The device applies pressure to a print medium that rests on an inked surface made of movable type, thereby transferring the ink. Typically used for texts, the invention and spread of the printing press are widely regarded as among the most influential events in the second millennium

Hard To Believe But The Wagon Queen Family Truckster is Thirty Years Old.

The Wagon Queen Family Truckster is a station wagon created specifically for the 1983 comedy National Lampoon's Vacation. The Truckster is based on a Ford LTD Country Squire station wagon that has been heavily modified. The car was designed by George Barris and was deliberately built to exhibit ridiculously bad taste, with absurd styling, and lampooned American cars of the late 1970s. The Wagon Queen Family Truckster features a pea green paint scheme, an excessive amount of fake wood paneling, and eight headlights. The Truckster played a central role in National Lampoon's Vacation, a 1983 comedy film directed by Harold Ramis and starring Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Randy Quaid, Dana Barron and Anthony Michael Hall. The screenplay was written by John Hughes, based on his short fictionalized account of his own family's ill-fated trip to Disneyland when Hughes was a boy. National Lampoon's Vacation was a significant box-office hit, earning more than $61 million in the United States with an estimated budget of $15 million. In 2000, readers of Total Film magazine voted National Lampoon's Vacation the 46th greatest comedy film of all time. It is widely considered to be the best film in National Lampoon's series of Vacation films, and continues to be a popular film and a staple on cable television channels.

Yes, I Still Hate Tom Brady.

"In our society, breast cancer is hidden behind a small pink bow. The public needs to be educated."

Seriously, Did ANYONE EVER like Scrappy Doo?

All my life, for as long as I can remember, I would get nauseous if you poked me in the belly button. Throw something to me and it hits me there? Nauseous. Dog jumps up and his front paws get me in just the right place? Nauseous. Goofing around with the cutie from the other side of the dorm and she sticks a finger into my navel? Nauseous. It never occurred to me to ask if anyone else experiences this, I just thought it was normal and everyone was like that. Turns out, it's not. About eh, a year ago, I kind of sort of maybe noticed that my innie was gradually turning into an outie. I thought it was my imagination at first, because seriously, whose fucking bellybutton changes shape? Then one day I decided to power past the nausea and stick my finger in there and push... blooop I had an innie again. Weird. And then an hour later, blooooooooop, I had an outie again. Really weird. This innie-outie phenomenon continued for the better part of a year, although now looking back I would have to admit that as time progressed, my outie kept getting a tiny bit bigger.

Oh Yeah, That Reminds Me, The Weekend Is Here.

Id, ego and super-ego are the three parts of the psychic apparatus defined in Sigmund Freud's structural model of the psyche; they are the three theoretical constructs in terms of whose activity and interaction mental life is described. According to this model of the psyche, the id is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends; the super-ego plays the critical and moralizing role; and the ego is the organized, realistic part that mediates between the desires of the id and the super-ego. The super-ego can stop you from doing certain things that your id may want you to do. Even though the model is structural and makes reference to an apparatus, the id, ego and super-ego are functions of the mind rather than parts of the brain and do not correspond one-to-one with actual structures of the kind dealt with by neuroscience.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Happy Belated 238th Birthday To The United States Navy.

Shit, the Navy's birthday was last week and I forgot to mention it! The United States Navy traces its origins to the Continental Navy, which the Continental Congress established on 13 October 1775, by authorizing the procurement, fitting out, manning, and dispatch of two armed vessels to cruise in search of munitions ships supplying the British Army in America. The legislation also established a Naval Committee to supervise the work. All together, the Continental Navy numbered some fifty ships over the course of the war, with approximately twenty warships active at its maximum strength. In 1972 Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Elmo R. Zumwalt authorized recognition of 13 October as the Navys birthday. In contrast to Navy Day, the Navy Birthday is intended as an internal activity for members of the active forces and reserves, as well as retirees, and dependents. So happy belated birthday, Navy!

I've Got Some Assorted Stuff And Things For You Today.

According to Google Maps, there are three Hooters restaurants in the greater San Antonio area, so I can't tell you for sure which one this girl works at.

That's Right Little Buddy. If She Didn't Want It, She'd Wear Seashells.

I know what you're wondering. What kind of asshole would turn down a $93 million dollar offer for a fucking license plate? Answer: this guy.

No Man, They Got The Metric System. They Wouldn't Know What The Fuck A Quarter Pounder Is.

It looks like the world is obsessed with stealing cars, blowing up stuff, running from the cops, and finding their way in life through criminal acts and wonton mischief. Total sales of Grand Theft Auto V – including hardware, software, and accessories – amounted to $1.079 billion for the month, up 27 percent from the same month last year. While hardware sales were down 13 percent compared to September of 2012 -- $183.2 million in hardware was sold this month – accessories were up two percent, and software sales were up a staggering 40 percent. The violent role play game now holds SEVEN Guinness World Records: Best-selling action-adventure video game in 24 hours, Best-selling video game in 24 hours, Fastest entertainment property to gross $1 billion, Fastest video game to gross $1 billion, Highest grossing video game in 24 hours, Highest revenue generated by an entertainment product in 24 hours, and Most viewed trailer for an action-adventure video game. All this despite the occasional glitch. And I'm not one ot judt so if you need to cheat, cheat.

It's Friday. How About A Margarita? In Fact, How About TWO Margaritas?

Yeah if you have a minute to spare and a cup to catch your drool, might I encourage you to check out 1201 Laurel Way, Beverly Hills, California. Just make sure you bring your fucking shinebox because it's $5.5+ million. Which I suppose by comparison is nothing but servants quarters when compared to Elvis' former Los Angeles Estate which is closer to $13 million. Added bonus: this guy is your very own gardener.