E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Well, I'm Starting To Get Some Mobility Back.

So wish fuckall to do over the past few days -- I can't be in one position, sitting or standing, for more than twenty minutes at a time -- I decided to give the Slickguns mobile phone app a try and scan some of the ammo in my safe. I started off with some Fiocchi #00 buckshot at $4.99 for 10 shells and Fiocchi #4 buckshotat $6.39; I paid around $5.22 for the #00 and $5.79 for the #04 but that was almost ten months ago, back in January. The 100 round box of CCI MiniMags is like finding a unicorn. Sure they only cost $6.99, but that's if you can find one in stock. Walmart is my usual haunt for these, as the price is comparable, but right now the empty shelves around here in Florida are not. This is of course the exact opposite of the shelves up in Massachusetts, courtesy of a friend of mine! But this pricing goes the same for the Tule 7.62x39 at $4.88 for 20 rounds; a great price considering Walmart is $5.17 plus tax for the same. This 100 pack of Remington .357 softpoints set me back $62 at Wally World, and the real holy-shitter, a 100 pack of .380 auto is up to $42 -- as compared to $46 for .45 auto and only $29 for 9mm. I tried to scan this Federal 525 round bulk pack but Slickguns couldn't identify a price and kept sayig it was part of a bulk ammo package; and wouldn't you know it, I remember buying four of those bulk packags and they came packed inside of a cheapie plastic dry box, so I can't price check those. You can download the Slickguns Android app here and then do a little experimenting on your own to see if you can find a better deal online or at your local gun store.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Human Beings are a Plague Upon This Earth.

"A bear had eaten Lavoie's food and destroyed his boat in mid-July, leaving him alone with the dog. A few days after the bear attack, the person who spoke to QMI on condition of anonymity said Lavoie used a rock to kill his dog before eating the pet."

And Remember That, In A World Of Ordinary Mortals, You Are A Wonder Woman.

Starfish or sea stars are echinoderms belonging to the class Asteroidea; the names starfish and sea star essentially refer to members of this class. About 1,500 living species of starfish occur on the seabed in all the world's oceans, from the tropics to subzero polar waters. They are found from the shallow intertidal zone down to abyssal depths, 20,000 ft below the surface. The red starfish is a medium-sized orange to red starfish which grows up to 6 inches across. It has a dorsal surface resembling a tiled roof and its arms taper to rounded ends.

Watch Your Cornhole. To The Tune of $6,000 PER HOUR.

Last Tuesday morning I checked in at the out-patient surgical center right at 8:30am. My wait was short and by 8:45 the nurses called me back to a small three sided room with a bed and slide across curtain for privacy. Here I changed into my surgical gown, bagged up my street clothes, and put on some sweet compression stockings. A few minutes later a young nurse came in and with her sitting at a computer terminal, confirmed all of the information I had already given my doc in regards to medical history. One question she asked that really threw me off was, "Do you want anesthetia?" I didn't answer her at first, because I thought she was fucking joking. So after a few seconds of awkward silence, "Uh, yes?" Why the fuck would you ask that? She then inserted IV -- the first attempt seemed to have gone through my vein, the bone in my arm, out the other side and into the bed -- but she got me on the second stick and then gave me three shots: Heparin (a blood thinner to prevent clots), Valium (to calm ye olde nerves), and (something to induce amnesia).

So Long Corporal Christopher Paul Stannix. But We Can Know You A Little More.

I NEED A FAVOR. I NEED 2 MINUTES OF YOUR TIME. SRSLY.

See, Proof Positive That Smoking Kills.

Because shooting out the tires only happens in the movies and unfortunately, life is not a Michael Bay premier. Let's think of this as one of those CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE books like when you were a kid. It'll begin like this.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Happy Veteran's Day 2013. And It's the LBEH Kickoff!

Here we are. Again. Veteran's Day. The one day a year that we as a society have set aside to say thank you to our nation's veterans. The latest buzz around the internet is a list of where veterans both past and present can stop by and get a free cheeseburger, or a free appetizer (with the purchase of a meal, of course) or discounted admission to a baseball game. And I don't mean to belittle those gestures, not by any means. I think it's an encouraging thing when local businesses step up to recognize the sacrifices our veterans have, do, and will make for the freedom that we all enjoy. I just can't help but think some watered down happy hour menu probably isn't quite balancing the scales.

Oh, Just One More Thing. Why Are All The Signs In English?

Okay Super Sleuths, get your super sleuthing hat on. You know I like to take random photos and find out where they were taken on Google's Steet View. Well I've got one for you that I just can't figure out. Searching for "chaparial parking" doesn't get me shit. I'm prettu sure the "palatino" is a sign for Palatino USA, since I doubt it's a sign for the palatino font. Next I created this image and searched for that on Google, which via this Wikipedia entry tells me this particular sign is used in Belgium, Italy, and Spain; none of which are English speaking countries and most of the signs in the photo are in English. I've also found it mentioned by an Indian driving school, but again, no hablo Ingles. So I'm fucking stumped. Can anyone help me figure out where the fuck this photo was taken?

Damn, You Guys Went All Pink Panther On That Shit.

Well we opened up the applications on LBEH last night and took in some 17 ticket requests in the first hour, before shutting them down for the night. Aside from the folks we had to deny tickets too last year -- one guy's ticket was $1,700 for 5 days of travel, so we gave him a rain check until this year -- we're only accepting international requests right now. So Kat and Bibi are working on this and the wheel grinds on! if you get the chance, swing on over to LBEH and maybe toss a few nickels in the jar!

You Do It Again And I'll Stab You In The Face With A Soldering Iron.

You want to see patriotistm? I'll show you patriotism. Here is a photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger on the day he received his American citizenship. You're welcome.

You Got The Foot Bones, Connect The Shin Bones, Connect The... OH SHIT!

This time of the year is rutting season, which is the mating season of ruminant animals such as deer, elk, caribou, ibex, sheep, moose, goats, pronghorn and Asian and African antelope. The elk rut takes place between the middle of August and the middle of October, depending on the climate in which they live. The rut tends to last somewhere between 20 and 45 days. There are many aggressive behaviors a buck will do during the rut. During pre-rut, bucks will spar with each other. Sparring is low-intensity aggressive behavior, involving mostly pushing and shoving. and had that elk gored either of those two assholes, I'd have laughed and laughed. Respect the rut, man. Respect the rut.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Let's Take A Closer Look At This Zombie War of Attrition.

So a few days ago, this post came crawling across my news feed and it got me to thinking. He raised a good point about the simple war of attrition, so why not do me up a fancy schmancy spreadsheet to see how things work out. According to the All Powerful Google, the current US population is 313,900,000. We'll use Dennis' infection rate of 99.0% thus the good old US of A would be filled with 310,761,000 walkers all trying to eat the living shit out of 3,139,000 survivors. Each month, every survivor will be responsible for dispatching 10 walkers. But rather than a flat linear battle, I decided to expand the scope a little bit and take a more honest look at The Walking Dead scenario by considering four other variables.

It's Play, That House Is Filled With Miley Cyrus Fans.

So if you haven't had the chance to watch Sunday night's episode of The Walking Dead, now is your chance. Which on a related note, it's only a matter of time before people start using the phrase, "I get more ass than The Governor," because for a guy stuck in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, he sure does get laid a lot. Also, along the same vein -- that site (ch131.so) was just one of many ways to watch all the TV you want without paying for cable. I just match ditch my PC and XBox360 for a Roku3; I bought the PC because it had a built in blu-ray player but some two years on and the number of times I've actually played one of my four blu-rays, I can count on one hand.

Cocaine Is A Hell Of A Drug.

So embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford sure is catching hell, isn't it? First there were the comparisons to Rick James -- which I really don't see, by the way, since Rick was into cocaine and Ford was into crack -- then came the much easier to accept comparison to Chris Farley. And not the most recent one? Spooking Ford's face into Jean-Claude Van Damme's Volvo commercial, which I guess, is kind of a thing now. So before all of you Torontonians start howling for Ford's head on a platter, consider this. Your crime rate is down -- in fact Toronto is the safest major city in Canada and has been for the last six years running. Your property values are up, and your unemployment rate is down. Well, mostly. So certain impulse control issues aside, maybe give the fat bastard a little wriggle room?

Apparently, Perpetual Motion Is Possible After All.

The year is 2001. You're 18 years old and on the morning of September 12th, with tears in your eyes and fear in your heart, you march down to the local recruiting station. Call it what you will, retribution, justice, whatever; but your country was just attacked and you're damned well not going to sit idly by. You kiss your mother, hug your father, and off to war you go. That same soldier can now -- quite conceivably -- spend their entire 20+ year career in a perpetual state of war, not ever having known a single day of peacetime. Through 2024. What. The. F*ck.

My Fellow Americans, Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Country.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the 35th President of the United States, was assassinated at 12:30 p.m. Central Standard Time on Friday, November 22, 1963, in Dealey Plaza, Dallas, Texas. Kennedy was fatally shot by a sniper

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

I Feel Bad For Peyton. It's Tough When Someone Just Has Your Number.

My hatred of all things Tom Brady has long been a matter of public record. When the game he cheated your team out of an AFC championship has its own Wikipedia entry, you know shit got out of hand. So it goes without saying that whenever there is a Tom Brady versus Peyton Manning matchup, I'm rooting for the Eli's older brother. Unfortunately, Peyton and I are 11-4 in this regard. So when you take into account all of the mind blowing stats that surround these two, you can understand why Tom vs Peyton is regarded as the best rivalry in the NFL. And for the record, the tuck rule was abolished on March 20, 2013, by a 29-1 vote of current teams. The Pittsburgh Steelers voted against abolishment, while two teams, the Patriots and the Washington Redskins, abstained from the vote. And fuck you, Tom Brady.