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Ernie's House of Whoopass! November 8, 2013
November 8, 2013

See, Proof Positive That Smoking Kills.

Because shooting out the tires only happens in the movies and unfortunately, life is not a Michael Bay premier. Let's think of this as one of those CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE books like when you were a kid. It'll begin like this.

You're a 19 year old kid. And while your friends have gone off to college or joined the military, you've instead elected to do nothing with your life and move from house to house to house, and at some point you are arrested for disorderly conduct and forced to move in with your parents. Your career prospects are less and stellar; in addition to living off of your parents, you have no vehicle of your own and can't even afford to buy your own pack of cigarettes. You call your father who is on the way home from his small business and ask him to buy you some, but when he gets home he tells you that he has not bought you any. What do you do next?

IF YOU THINK YOU SHOULD JUST ACCEPT YOUR FATHER'S DECISION, PLEASE GO TO PARAGRAPH AA. IF YOU THINK YOUR DAD IS A DICK AND YOU'LL JUST TAKE HIS WORK TRUCK AND GO GET YOUR DAMN CIGARETTES, GO TO PARAGRAPH AB.

AA. Drat, no cigarattes! Looks like you won't be able to keep poisoning yourself on someone else's dime. Go to your room and play XBOX until McDonalds calls you for an interview. You live happily ever after. THE END.

AB. To hell with that, I'm gonna fight the power! You swipe your father's keys and rush past him. he follows you out into the driveway, but it's too late. You've already slipped the keys into the ignition and the engine roars to life. With a stomp of the gas pedal you look up to see your father waving his arms in the rear view mirror. As his shape grows smaller and smaller, you see him reaching for a cell phone, and a few minutes later, the local police department pulls up behind you. OH NO! Looks like your father reported his truck stolen! The police cruiser turns on his emergency lights. They're after you! What do you do next?

IF YOU THINK YOU SHOULD PULL OVER, GO TO PARAGRAPH BA. IF YOU WANT TO RUN FROM THE COPS GO TO PARAGRAPH BB.

BA. Well it was fun while it lasted. You pull over to the side of the road and the officer exits his vehicle and draws his service weapon before ordering you to exit the vehicle and lay on the ground. You and and he approaches you cautiously before handcuffing you. You spend the night in jail but the following day are no worse for wear. The next week you meet the public defender assigned to your case. A few months later you're assigned 500 hours of community service. You complete them and learn not to be a spoiled asshole. Years later you laugh about this little experience and live happily ever after. THE END.

BB. Fuck the Po-lice! You slam your foot on the gas and make a run for it. You weave in and out of traffic, cutting other drivers off, bouncing the trailer all around and sending your father's tools into the road and putting other drivers at risk. Who cares though, right? You want your muthafuckin cigarettes! A college campus is up ahead and knowing there's lots of open space in the quad, turn the steering wheel there. Students run and scatter to get out of the way of your 5,000lb battering ram that you are hurtling around the campus with reckless abandon. What happens if you run over one of these students? Who cares, not your fucking problem! After bouncing over a curb and slamming off of a tree, your father's trailer comes unhitched and tumbles to the side. What about all of your father's tools? Who cares, not your fucking problem! You glance over your shoulder and see that two other police cruisers have joined in the pursuit, all lights and sirens. They're trying to box you in. Don't worry though, your huge 4x4 vehicle has the advantage on this slippery grass, but that doesn't prevent you from sliding sideways into a tree and destroying the pickup truck's cap and caving in the entire side of the truck. How is your father going to make a living now? Who cares, not your fucking problem! One of the police cruisers seems to have gotten stuck on something and is out of the chase. Only two more to go and you win!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NEXT? IF YOU WANT TO STOP THE PURSUIT SINCE YOU'RE BOXED IN, GO TO PARAGRAPH CA. IF YOU WANT TO RAM A COP CAR TO TRY AND BUST LOOSE, GO TO PARAGRAPH CB.

CA. Okay, enough fun and games, you think. You've showed these pigs that you can hang wit the best of them and sure as hell showed your father what happens when he refuses to buy you your cigs. You press on the brake and the truck snowplows to a stop in the mud. The three police cruisers immediately surround you and all the officers exit their vehicles, weapons drawn. Oh uh- they look serious! You're ordered to the ground and arrested. You are convicted of multiple felonies and are sentenced to 5 years in jail where you meet your husband and live happily every after. THE END

CB. This truck ain't got a V10 for nothing baby! You pop the transmission into reverse and stomp on the gas. The four wheel drive takes a second to gain traction in the wet ground, but once they do bite down and slams the truck into the second police cruiser behind you. That'll show that fucker! Only one more to go and he's just in front of you! You reach up and yank on the gear selector, jolting the transmission into drive. You turn the steering wheel towards the third police cruiser. You're gonna show this motherfu- BLAM YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD. YOU LOSE. THE END.

Hiya Ernie, this happened right near my home. This is a sleepy blue/white collar mixed community. Very mellow and laid back. We don't see shit like this here ever, it terrifies me what could have happened if this freak got in the house. Here's the article. Note how the neighbor spotted the guy lurking her house earlier. Here's a news team talking to the intruder. I hate packing cuz it's a hassle and I always weigh the cost/benefit argument, but shit like this motivates me to be diligent. I really wish I had my XD/S back from the recall. I know the hernia fix is annoying, but ignoring it could fuck you up bad. Get better. Chuck

Let me preface this by saying WILL FERRELL HAS HORRIBLE FUCKING TEETH. Seriously dude, you're rich now. Fix that shit. But the new Ron Burgundy Dodge Durango ads are four in number, bringing the total number of such ads featuring the character to eight. And each of the 30-second spots continue the tradition of having Will Ferrell improvise his way through the entire Dodge advertising pitch.

Hear ye, hear ye! The ammo tracking app for your mobie phone has now been ported to the iPhone as well as Droid.

So this photograph of a huge Lakers fan made me think of this dream sequence from Fletch, after reading this list about NBA hairdos.

Bitcoins are a distributed, peer-to-peer digital currency that functions without the intermediation of any central authority. Payment processing is done by a network of private computers often specially tailored to this task. The operators of these computers, known as "miners", are rewarded with transaction fees and newly minted bitcoins. However, new bitcoins are created at an ever-decreasing rate. As of August 2013, there are approximately 11.5 million bitcoins in circulation; once 21 million are distributed, issuance will cease. And I distinctly remember one of my sponsors asking me if they could pay their tab with five-hundred $1 Bitcoins. And like a fucking idiot, I said no; each Bitcoin is now worth over $220.

Old and busted: The Liberator 3D printed gun. The new hotness? Solid Concepts, one of the world leaders in 3D Printing services, has manufactured the world's first 3D printed ALL METAL gun using a laser sintering process and powdered metals.

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