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Ernie's House of Whoopass! August 21, 2014
August 21, 2014

Wait. As A Convicted Felon, Can Wesley Snipes Even Hold A Firearm?

It was almost two years ago when The Expendables 2 broke my heart and let me just say, the tradition continues in The Expendables 3; if the theme for the second movie was predictability, the theme for this one would be cliche, cliche, cliche. Well, that and product placement, product placement, product placement. See: Arnold Schwarzenegger's U-Boat watch, Sly Stallone's Ford F-150, Kelsey Grammer's Havar SUV, just to name a few.

So without giving away any plot details -- not that it would be any big fucking deal if I did -- the premise of the movie is regular group of has-beens is sent to capture some dude who turns out to be an ex-Expendable. He escapes, Barney parts ways with the old crew so as to not take them on a suicide mission, he puts together a new crew (which promptly fails) and the old crew saves the day. Who is the new crew? Well, given the very premise of the Expendables is built upon the sterling reputation of seasoned action stars, let's take a look, shall we? [QUIZ: Are They In The Expendables | don't got cocky, I scored 100%] Wesley Snipes, solid performance as always. Kelsey Grammer, who doesn't actually have an action role, more of a behind the scenes recruiter. Mel Gibson was fucking awesome and looked very at home in a Maverick-like performance.

And then... we have the eye candy, Ronda Rousey. Not a terrific showing on her part, but certainly not a poor one, especially considering this is her first role. Her character was flat, although I'm not sure if that's because of Rousey's performance, or just the really shitty dialogue that permeates the entire film. I hope that she doesn't turn out like Gina Carano -- who is like the Anna Kournakova of UFC -- in that she looks good and is mediocre at her sport, but really can't do shit otherwise. Let's hope she does better in Fast and Furious 7. Yeah that's right, a seventh movie.

Next comes Victor Ortiz, a boxer with no film experience. And do you know why boxers don't get film experience? Because they're shitty actors, that's why. And let's not forget such heavyweight newcomers as Glen Powell -- you may remember him in such blockbusters as The Dark Knight Rises where he thrilled audiences with his portrayal of "Trader #1." And finally, Kellan Lutz who does indeed have some acting experiences... IN THE FUCKING TWILIGHT FRANCHISE. So yes, those are your new, younger Expendables.

In the end it's no fucking wonder this piece of shit only has a 6.3 rating on IMDB, and only 53% of audiences liked it on Rotten Tomatoes. Some people will say it's because the movie was leaked on the internet, others will suggest franchise fatigue, while I take a more direct approach; it's just a piece of shit movie. Everyone involved is just looking to take your money and laugh all the way to the bank.

And if you think the children's book My Parents Open Carry is awesome, wait until you read the reviews.

Hey Ern, Just thought I would contribute to the Brown discussion. This letter is obviously pro-law enforcement, as I am. But it sheds light on what Brown's state of mind might have been, considering he just robbed a liquor store. Even if the officer DIDN'T know, Brown DID. Anyways, enjoy it, and we will all see how this plays out in the end. Tom

Huh. This Lion King performance doesn't match this Lion King performance. What gives?

I also managed to take my niece shooting, and I don't think she did half bad for her first time behind the trigger! We started off with a Smith and Wesson 686P with a 5" barrel, although for the purpose of both less recoil and less cost, we were shooting .38's instead of .357's. We started off with one round in the chamber and double action, because smaller caliber or not, she's a smaller girl and I didn't want any shit like this happening. Once she got a handle on that, we progressed over to a semi-automatic Glock 19 chambered in 9mm, because it too is relatively inexpensive to plink with. And then for a few hoots, we tried out "Bitch", which is a little Colt Junior chambered in .25ACP. You'd think smaller bullets = smaller cost but they're like $0.55 per round, so we didn't shoot that much.

And sorry, I missed this yesterday: in addition to Kate Upton and the USC Song Girls, here are 20 other female sports personalities who have accepted the als ice bucket challenge. NIPPLES AHOY!

Hey Ern, Just thought I would contribute to the Brown discussion. This letter is obviously pro-law enforcement, as I am. But it sheds light on what Brown's state of mind might have been, considering he just robbed a liquor store. Even if the officer DIDN'T know, Brown DID. Anyways, enjoy it, and we will all see how this plays out in the end. Tom

You see, you may have spent the last few years looking for me, but I have spent my entire life looking for you. I've seen an agent punch through a concrete wall; men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air; yet, their strength, and their speed, are still based in a world that is built on rules. Because of that, they will never be as strong, or as fast, as you can be. You are the One, Neo.

A chain-link fence is a type of woven fence usually made from galvanized or LLDPE-coated steel wire. The wires run vertically and are bent into a zig-zag pattern so that each "zig" hooks with the wire immediately on one side and each "zag" with the wire immediately on the other. This forms the characteristic diamond pattern seen in this type of fence. Cable reinforced chain link fence is available for applications that require protection from low threat vehicular assaults such as federal agencies. Minimum security applications such as schools and other public accommodations also benefit from the features of security grade chain link.

Well, at least the Canadians are having none of this militarized police bullshit.


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