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Ernie's House of Whoopass! November 7, 2014
November 7, 2014

Wait, Does The Sticker Mean It's Okay To Look, or No?

A former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader is accused of raping a 15-year-old boy she met on Instagram. Molly Shattuck, 47, who made history as the oldest woman to become an NFL cheerleader, is accused of repeatedly sexually assaulting a 15-year-old boy. The documents also say that on Labor Day Weekend, Shattuck bought beer for herself and the teen, then drove back to a Delaware beach house where they were staying with her children and some of their friends. Once they got back to the beach house, "Shattuck allegedly performed oral sex on the boy, first outside the home while walking the dog and again in her bedroom," the station reports. So at age 15 this kid gets a hummer from a 47 year old former NFL cheerleader? Let me tell you something: this kid's life is fucking absolutely ruined, because for the rest of his life he will experience nothing but disappointment in the bedroom. It's a shame this kid hit his high water mark so early in life, but sometimes that's the way things go. He might as well put Sinead O'Connor's Nothing Compares 2 U on repeat and drink himself to death, because there's no joy left for him in this life.

Old and busted: Badass porcupine fights off 17 hungry lions in South Africa. The new hotness: Not-so-badass porcupine doesn't fight off a single leopard in South Africa.

Alan bought Olive Garden's $100 pasta pass 6 weeks ago, a pass that was only given to 1,000 people and guarantees them unlimited pasta whenever their need for alfredo beckons. Since then, he's eaten 2 meals a day, every day at Olive Garden, stacking up to 95 meals as of yesterday.

The Vandals are an American punk rock band established in 1980 in Huntington Beach, California. They have released ten full-length studio albums and two live albums and have toured the world extensively, including performances on the Vans Warped Tour. They are well known for their use of humor, preferring to use their music as a vehicle for entertainment and sarcasm rather than as a platform for more serious issues. In August 2008 The Vandals played nine dates of the 2008 Warped Tour with Sum 41 drummer Steve Jocz filling in for Josh Freese, who was touring with Nine Inch Nails. On August 12 of this year, the band released BBC Sessions and Other Polished Turds, a collection of rare songs and b-sides, exclusively as a digital release.

You simply don't grasp how special this photograph is, until you notice the reflection in the glass and realize it was taken across from the food court at a mall.

If you move in with a girl one of the things you should expect is your bathroom to be transformed into an altar of hair and skincare products. Another one is hair everywhere. Sure, nothing compares to a pet kitty, but females aren't that much different after all, since they impose and most of the time act like they're your master. But hey, at least when a woman's in the house everything will smell better.

Situated on the third floor of the Marriott Marquis Hotel, the 1611-seat Marquis Theatre was designed by developer/architect John C. Portman, Jr. Because construction of the hotel involved the demolition of five theaters – the original Helen Hayes, the Morosco, the Bijou, and remnants of the Astor and the Gaiety – New York City officials permitted Portman to construct the new property only if he agreed to include a theater within the structure. The Marquis -- with state-of-the-art backstage facilities and a sleekly modern auditorium -- opened July 9, 1986, with a series of concerts by Shirley Bassey.

Old and busted: Rambo the Angry Ram versus a 200lb dirt bike. The new hotness: Rambo the Angry Ram versus a 6-ton excavator.

The St. Louis Cardinals, a professional baseball franchise based in St. Louis, Missouri, compete in the National League of Major League Baseball, with the new Busch Stadium serving as their home park since 2006. As one of the most decorated and successful franchises in MLB history, the Cardinals have won eleven World Series championships, second in history only to the New York Yankees' 27. They've also won 19 National League pennants, and 12 division titles. As of 2014, Forbes valued the Cardinals at $820 million, making them the eighth-most valuable franchise in MLB.

Sir Ian McKellen visited the students recently and offered up some sage advice on doing one's homework.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite So My Dad Is Visiting Fo...

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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