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Ernie's House of Whoopass! September 23, 2015
September 23, 2015

This is Kind Of A Throwback Wednesday Because I Miss The Little Things.

My friend Flaherty -- of Hanscom fame -- have two standardized things: a bet and a joke. Our standard bet is one dollar; no matter how significant or insignificant the issue at hand is, our bet is always one American greenback. Who scores next? One dollar? Bet the bartender fucks up my drink? One dollar? Who wins the next Presidential election? That's right, one fucking dollar. It's more about the brag than it is the win, kind of like The Count of Monte Cristo and that fucking chess piece. Anyway, the joke. Anytime anyone fucks something up for any reason? “It's the new math.” Bartender does fuck up my order? Shrug. “It's the new math.” Can't figure out the remote control for your new TV? “It's the new math.” And the joke was, math doesn't change so there is no math. There's only one way to add two numbers together, or subtract one from another or calculate a cosine... there's just math. Until Common Core, of course. Now they went and fucked up my joke and that irritates me more than you might imagine.

Speaking of the way things used to be, here's an interview done with Tony Sirico -- aka Paulie Walnuts -- in 1990, nine years before he hit it big with the debuts of The Sopranos.

And I don't have to drone on and fucking on about my feelings for Doom. And I mean the original Doom, not this fancy schmancy shit they have now, even though I plan on buying Doom 4 the minute it hits the fucking shelves. But back to Doom, about five or six years ago, a port of Doom, called cDoom, was made for the first generation smartphones. And honestly I'm not even sure I would call them smartphones as this was pre-iOS and Android, but they had primitive web browsers and games to download, one of which was this cDoomw hich I downloaded on my LG env2. I specifically remember sitting in the waiting area of this Tire Kingdom, having a new set of sneakers put on Big Red, and enjoying the hit out of this really slow one turn at a time game. I mean I remember upgrading the video card on my computer to play Doom better, and here I was x-number of years playing it on my fucking phone! Mind boggling to those of of old enough to remember typing “wolf3d” from the commant prompt. And then some asshole in Australis got the original Doom to ron on a hacked ATM machine, and then came the iPod port, and from there fuck everybody because they ruined my childhood. Now there isn't just one first person shooter for your phoen if you can hack it and get it to work, now you have to choose the 10 Best Zombie Games for your phone.

Fitbit is a company headquartered in San Francisco, California. Founded and managed by James Park and Eric Friedman, the company is known for its products of the same name, which are activity trackers, wireless-enabled wearable technology devices that measure data such as the number of steps walked, quality of sleep, steps climbed, and other personal metrics. The first of these was the Fitbit Tracker. On May 7, 2015, Fitbit announced it had filed for a $100 million dollar IPO with a NYSE listing "FIT".

Meanwhile, Jaromir Jagr -- the Czech professional ice hockey player and current right winger for the Florida Panthers -- had the opportunity to bang 18 year old model Katka Provaznikova from Moravia, a region in the Czech Republic. The following morning, Katka snapped a selfie next to the still sleeping (and undoubtedly still exhausted -- Jagr. Some time shortly thereafter, someone tried to blackmail Jagr for $2,000 to keep the photo quiet. Jagr's response? “I don't give a fuck” -- with addess bonus of photo gallery of said 18 year old Czech hottie so we can all live vicariously through professional athletes.

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