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Ernie's House of Whoopass! January 12, 2016
January 12, 2016

Jury Duty Part IV: Two Buns And A Well Cooked Piece Of Meat.

Once we're all seated, El Jefe gives permission for everyone else to be seated, and calls the court into session. He begins by explaining to us how the opening argument process works -- prosecution goes first, defense second -- but cautions us that none of what we hear from either attorney should be considered evidence; the absolute only instance in which verbal testimony is to be accepted as evidence is that elicited from the witness chair. Everything else we hear today from the prosecutors and the defense attorney is not to be considered evidence and should not be used to help render our verdict.

First up to the plate? It looks like Unpronounceablename will be batting for the State of Florida. She stands from her chair and hobbles over to a small podium which has been set up facing the jury box. The placement of which doesn't quite seem to be to her liking and she tries to manhandle it back and forth, into where she thinks it should be. He face alternates between a look of determination and pain, as she rocks the podium back and forth, alternating her weight from her good leg to her injured leg. Once she is satisfied with its placement, she straightens her back behind the podium and begins to present the State's argument.

The State of Florida contends that on some fucking day in July of last year, Average Father drove Average Son to Florida Skin Center, parked his pickup truck and went inside for his son's appointment. After half an hour, Average Father and Average Son exited the building and came out to find some white dude -- identified as Chris Penn -- had parked his car in the parking space adjascent to Average Father's truck, and was searching through the bed mounted toolbox located behind the cab. Average Father confronted Chris Penn, who then fled the scene in his car without offering a word of explanation. Average Father told Average Son to get into the truck and call 911 to report a burglary, while Average Father followed Chris Penn up Del Prado Avenue, where he witnessed the alleged burglar's car turn into to this Race Trac. There, Chris Penn had pulled into a parking space up against the front of the store, and went inside. Average Father pulled his truck in behind and perpendicular to Chris Penn's car, so as to block him in and prevent any attempt to flee again, and with his son updating the 911 operator, waited for Cape Coral police to arrive. A few minutes later, Chris Penn exited the Race Trac, and following a brief verbal confrontation with Average Father, climbed into the driver's seat of his car and after a series of about 6 or 7 small turns, attempted to flee again but this time striking Average Father with the front bumber of his car, knocking him to the ground.

With the assistance of some Good Samaritans, Chris Penn was prevented from fleeing back to Del Prado and points unknown, instead being forced to drive down a nearby dead end road. At which time an officer from the Cape Coral police department arrived on scene and was updated from witnesses as to the direction Chris Penn fled. Said officer was then able to make contact with the suspect's car, pulled it over and following an interview, placed Chris Penn under arrest and that leads to where we all are today, sitting here in this big fucking courtroom.

And it is here where I will admit that I will (unfortunately) never look at a hamburger the same. Because after giving us the Cliff Notes version of the crimes Chris Penn was standing trial for, Unpronounceablename goes on this ten minute dissertation about satisfying the elements of a crime, using the metaphor of a hamburger to illustrate her point. She asks the rhetorical question, "What do you like on your hamburger? Some people may like it plain, others may like mayonnaise, lettuce, and tomato. Some prefer ketchup and mustard. Maybe some of you like bacon." [Ernie: Okay lady, we get it. "Maybe some of you even put peanut butter on your burger. And I heard guacamole is becoming popular. Some people like plain buns, while others like Kaiser buns, or now even pretzel buns." I think about tapping my watch, or maybe shining a red light on the podium, but eventually she starts to being her point home. "While all of those condiments are nice, they're still above and beyond what the actual hamburger is: two buns and a well cooked piece of meat. It is not a very exciting hamburger, but it is still a hamburger none the less."

And I'm not fucking kidding you when I say she goes on to use the phrase, "two buns and a well cooked piece of meat," at least twenty fucking times during her opening statement. It was almost kind of disturbingly erotic; or erotically disturbing, I can't really decide which. Anyway, her fucking point is there is a minimum threshold that must be met for someone to be considered guilty of committing a crime. We as individual people with individual brains and individual thoughts may like to see that burden set higher, but it's not. If the State proves this minimum threshold -- known as the elements of a crime -- has been met, then we must find Chris Penn guilty of committing the crime, even if our own personal thresholds are not met. I can tell you that we the jury used the phrase,"two buns and a well cooked piece of meat," extensively during both our deliberations and the following day's lunch break.

Tomorrow; The defense's opening statement

Saw this plate this morning on way to work in Bel Air, MD. Thought it was pretty bold. Feel free to share, Michael

Ernie, You lucky juror you. The ship in question is none other than the HMS Belfast in London. Having been there more than once m'self, that one was a no brainer! Of course, when I visited her, there were no lovely ladies showing off their minge, but the ship was still pretty cool. -Jason

Ernie says: BZZZZZT!

This year's College Football National Championship has already placed itself among the greatest in the game's history, and it didn't even take them until kickoff to get there. As for the MVP that made it all possible, that would be Ciara, who came out to sing a stunning rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner wearing a rather revealing get-up. She was asking for a nipple slip. Lucky for her and the networks, and unlucky for us, it never happened.

Whenever I go shooting, especially to the ourdoor ranges where there are more powerful rifles are in play, I'm always amazed at the number of people who do not being any (or at least adequate) hearing protection. I always run with a set of dispoisable foam earplugs, and then a set of inexpensive muffs over the top of that. I may have to ask you to repeat yourself a couple of times at the range, but I won't have to ask you to repeat yourself after the range, because I won't have tinnitus. Smart shoppers can pick up 25 pairs of dispisable foam earplugs for $5, or $0.20 per pair.

Herbie Goes Bananas is a 1980 film and the fourth of a series of films made by Walt Disney Productions starring Herbie – the white Volkswagen racing Beetle with a mind of its own. Loosely picking up where Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo left off, protagonist Pete Stancheck has inherited Herbie from Jim Douglas, and travels to Mexico with his friend D.J. to retrieve the car. Meanwhile, Herbie helps Paco, who has dubbed the car 'Ocho', escape captivity. When the ship's captain Blythe has his costume party wrecked by the boy and car, he puts Herbie on trial and sentences him to be dropped in the sea. However later on land, Herbie resurfaces from the water to reunite with Paco, who then goes into business with Herbie as a taxi. Or if you prefer, Herbie can go into business with you, to be a taxi.


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