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Ernie's House of Whoopass! January 13, 2016
January 13, 2016

Jury Duty Part V: We Are In Court Today For No Good Reason At All.

Following her dissertation on "two buns and a well cooked piece of meat," Unpronounceablename does her best to hobble her way back to her chair at the prosecutor's table, swinging her bad leg under first and then collapsing in a skirted heap. El Jefe asks Peter Griffin if he is prepared for his opening statement, and rising up out of his chair while holding about 492,572 unsorted pieces of paper in his hands, Peter Griffin confirms that he is. As he makes his way towards the podium to address the jury, two or three sheets of paper fall from the stack he is bear hugging to his chest, and begin a slow back-and-forth flutter as they descend to the courtroom carpet. Peter Griffin stops, and bending over to pick them up, drops two more in their place. I can't help but think if the Absent Minded Professor had gotten his law degree, this is probably how it might look. After foiling his paperwork's multiple escape attempts, Peter Griffin approaches the podium and lays out the story about how this case is all just one big misunderstanding and his client was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"You see," explains Peter Griffin, "my client was just driving down the road -- minding. his. own. business. -- when he looked over and saw what he believed to be his boss's pickup truck parked in the nearby dermatologist's parking lot. And being a hard worker, his client Chris Penn wanted to stop and look in his boss's truck to see if he could grab some tools. So his client turns into the parking lot, and parks in the parking space right next to what he honestly believed to be his boss's pickup truck. Barely had Chris Penn begun his search -- quickly realizing that he was mistaken and this was in fact not the vehicle he thought it was -- when his poor client was approached by a hostile and pugnacious Average Dad who had the audacity to scream at the now quite shaken Chris Penn. And I'll admit this was the first time I've ever heard an expletive shouted in a courtroom -- "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY TRUCK!?" Average Dad roared. Peter Griffin asked us to consider if we too wouldn't be so scared in such a situation that we too would try to flee for our safety.

And now having realized his misidentification of said truck -- and quite taken aback at such a flagrant display of hostility by Average Dad -- Chris Penn did indeed fear for his safety and retreated to his vehicle. Further escalating an already volatile situation, Average Dad continued to shout at the demure Chris Penn, pounding on the driver's side window and even going so far as to use his keys to scrape the front fender of his client's car, as his client tried to flee this violent confrontation. This was, Peter Griffin assured us, a powder keg waiting to explode. Now heading north on Del Prado, and reasonably convinced that he has seen the last of the crazy Average Dad who tried to assault him and damaged his car for no good reason, a parched Chris Penn pulled into a Race Trac convenience store to get a well deserved soda. A few minutes later from inside the store, Chris Penn can see Average Dad pull up and block his car in. Again, not wanting a confrontation, Chris Penn client exited the store and as quickly as possible sought shelter and safety in his vehicle, because hey, if Average Dad was willing to pound on the drivers side window before, there's no telling what kind of craziness he'll be up to this time.

Realizing that he does not have a clear path to freedom, and since he is being all but kidnapped right here in the store parking lot, Chris Penn is forced to execute a series of teeny tiny K-turns to escape the imminent threat posed by Average Dad. And then after executing this series of turns to try to negotiate his freedom, just as he is about to be free of this menace, Average Dad stands in front of Chris Penn's car and blocks his only route of escape. "Be careful!" Chris Penn dutifully warns Average Dad, who by thus time was all but throwing himself at the front of the car, "I don't want to hit you so please move out of the way of my car. I didn't take anything I thought that was my boss's truck." Chris Penn eases his car forward, inch by inch, until he manages to nudge Average Dad out of the way as gently as possible, and only then is finally able to escape this horrible scene.

But his nightmare was not over, fair juror, because a few minutes later Chris Penn is pulled over by none other than Cape Coral's finest. And being the civic minded fellow that he is, Chris Penn dutifully pulls over and answers all of the officer's questions truthfully and honestly: he explains how he had simply mistaken another vehicle for his boss's truck and was doing nothing more than attempting to grab a few tools to which he would have every legal right to do; he described how this crazy guy started punching his car's windows and it was all he could do to escape the scene without injury; he described how he made every effort to again escape injury at the convenience store parking lot; and he described how the only thing he wanted to do was go because he was late for picking up his girlfriend's child from school; in fact, this wasn't his car at all, but his girlfriend's car and this crazy guy had vandalized it for no good reason. And wouldn't you know it, his client is unfairly arrested without even so much as a proper or thorough investigation being conducted by the Cape Coral police officer on the scene. This was, Peter Griffin assured us, a tragic miscarriage of justice.

And then to counter Unpronounceablename's "two buns and a well cooked piece of meat" argument, Peter Griffin goes on to make it very clear to the jury that while his client would not be testifying on his behalf today, this could in no way be considered evidence to his guilt, or any admission of guilt. In fact, both he and Chris Penn could sit over at their table and play cards all day, and they would still enjoy the presumption of innocence. That is to say, they entire burden of proof in this case, rests squarely on the prosecution's shoulders to prove the defendant's guilt, not his client's shoulders to prove his innocence. So the only way his client could be found guilty is if the prosecution proves that his client is guilty, and he assures us that can not happen since his client is indeed innocent. Peter Griffin then thanks me personally for my time, and makes his way back to his seat. He does not drop a single piece of paper along the way.

Tomorrow: Our first witness, Average Dad is John Goodman

Hi Ernie. Its the Aurora, located in St Petersburg, Jan

Hi Ernie, Yeah, that guy was wrong about the ship in question. Those stacks and windows are wrong!! Is is the Russian Cruiser Aurora - fired the first shot of the Bolshevik revolution in 1917. Plus, I know your proclivity to putting up hot Russian girls. Keep up the great work! Best regards, John

That would be a Pallada class crusier the Aurora, known for October Revolution and firing the shot that started the attack on the Winter Palace, it is currently a museum parked in St.Petersburg Russia. J

Per the Wikipedia article, in January 2013 Russian Defence Minister Sergey Shoygu announced plans to recommission Aurora and make her the flagship of the Russian Navy due to her historical and cultural importance. On 21 September 2014 the ship was towed to the Admiralty Shipyard in Kronstadt to be overhauled, to return in 2016. And in case you missed it yes, the Crying Bengals lady has been turned into the internet's latest meme. You're welcome.

Now, to ask you to find what place sells both sandals and bath mats, wouldn't even be a challenge. A simple Google search can answer that and with a couple clicks of the mouse, presto, yo're looking at the Arena Multistore in Duisburg. But it will take a true Streetview Warrior to find what bar this Bead Whore is hanging out in front of. Are you the Streetview Warrior I am looking for?

Guadeloupeis an insular region of France located in the Leeward Islands, part of the Lesser Antilles in the Caribbean. Tourism is a key industry, with 83.3% of tourists visiting from metropolitan France, 10.8% coming from the rest of Europe, 3.4% coming from the United States, 1.5% coming from Canada, 0.4% coming from South America, and 0.6% coming from the rest of the world. An increasingly large number of cruise ships visit the islands. Tap water is safe to drink, but never drink from rivers or lakes because of the danger of parasites (bilharzia). Bottled water is readily available, including brands such as Matouba, shapes, and deadlier period in restaurants you will usually be served and charged for bottled water unless you ask for l'eau du robinet, or tap water.

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