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Ernie's House of Whoopass! January 15, 2016
January 15, 2016

Jury Duty Part VII: Average Son and Good Samaritan.

For the prosecution's next witness, Dr Taub took the helm, "The State calls Average Son to the stand." In the rear of the courtroom, the deputy repeated his dance with the door, once again returning with someone we hadn't see before. This was a young kid, in his mid to late teens, who was quite visibly uncomfortable in a courtroom setting. He is nervously chewing on a wad of chewing gum, and has to move it to one side of his mouth in order to blurt out an "I do" after the court reporter swears him in. Dr Taub gets through his first few of a series of prepared questions -- state your name, where were you on this day and time, what did you see -- before abruptly setting his notes down, "Average Son, why don't you do me a favor and spit out that chewing gum." At this, the bailiff sitting next to the witness stand stands up and points to a box of Kleenex, "Just spit it in there, son." Average Son apologizes to Dr Taub, spits a huge ass wad of pink into a tissue and reaches out to hand it to the bailiff. The bailiff, not too hip on the idea of a single sheet of government tissue paper between him and a wad of chewed gum, asks Average Son to wrap it in not once but two -- TWO -- more times, before taking the package off his hands and depositing it into a trash barrel at the rear of the courtroom.

In the interest of brevity, I'm really not going to talk too much about Average Son's testimony, as the kid didn't really contribute anything beyond, but rather reinforced the testimony offered by his father, John Goodman. Yes things played out like his father said, yes he was on the call with 911, this is the additional information I told them as we were driving, yes he tried to run over my dad. Peter Griffin did manage to get Average Son to admit that he did not actually see Chris Penn's arm or head actually in the toolbox, and that his father pounded the living shit out of the car windows immediately before Chris Penn client sped off.

After Average Son is excused, the state calls Good Samaritan to the stand. Good Samaritan is a landscaper who happened to be driving north on Del Prado and just so happens to usually buy gas from this particular Race Trac. And on that day, he looks down at his gas gauge and see that wow, he actually does not need gas today. But out of habit he looks up and in the Race Trac parking lot, he sees a bunch of people with their hands on the back of a car, which is stopped precariously close to a man on the ground in front of it. And while he states did not actually see what happened between the car and the man on the ground, he does see this car speed off and begin a left turn onto 26th Street, heading towards Del Prado. Well Good Samaritan simply knew something was up and with a strong sense of civic duty, turns part of the way onto the beginning of 26th and with the help of a long ass landscaping trailer, blocks both lanes to traffic. This forces Chris Penn to turn around -- Good Samaritan distinctly remembers Chris Penn's face, since they were close enough for Good Samaritan to remember the look on his face as Good Samaritan wagged a taunting finger at him. Good Samaritan further testifies that he sees Chris Penn head north on 26th, which turns into 17th ave, and then turn right onto Everest parkway.

Upon cross examination, Peter Griffin is able to expose a few inconsistencies in Good Samaritan's testimony. In his written statement given the day of the encounter, Good Samaritan wrote that he saw, "that guy drive right over top of that guy on the ground." Now that he's on the stand, he's testifying he looked over and saw the man already on the ground. After some back and forth, Good Samaritan is forced to admit that no, he didn't actually see the car strike the man on the ground and has no idea how the man got there. "Which would be awesome," I thought, "had we not just watched video of you guy running him the fuck over." Good Samaritan doesn't really have much to offer, and truth be told contributed absolutely nothing to the case. Unfortunately, Peter Griffin does not have the opportunity to utilize the phrase, "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY TRUCK!?" during the cross examination of either witness.

Side note: HUGE mistake by Chris Penn to turn onto Everest Parkway, which aside from having a metric shit ton of side streets, ultimately has no outlet so he will be forced to come back the same way he went in, and in to the waiting arms of Le' Policia. It would have made MUCH more sense to continue on 17th past Everest, turn right onto Veteran's Parkway and then in about 45 seconds he'd be in Fort Myers. Dumbass.

Now you might think I'm dragging this Jury Duty story out, and perhaps I am but that'll give you some insight into what it's actually like to serve on a fucking jury. On Monday: Arresting Officer

Take the Camel Calculator test. Jon

Hey Big Ern, A quick google search of the term "Bead whore biker titties" brought back this Flikr stream that appears to be taken that day at Johnny White's Bar at the corner of Bourbon and St. Peters in New Orleans. Keep 'em coming, Oh blessed and embattled martyr of public servitude! John

Rishi Kaneria put together a brilliant supercut based completely around Stanley Kubrick's use of the color red. After seeing that, another guys Marc Anthony Figueras, wanted to create a display of the whole color spectrum through most of Kubrick's films.

Okay, some challenges to keep you busy over the weekend. Now we've been doing this for a while, and this first one is pretty straight forward, so I really don't expect some of you more seasoned folks to show me where this photo was taken. Now for you intermediate folks, a little attention to detail will help you identify what exactly concert is going on and where it is. And finally for you expert rubber-meets-the-road photo challengers, I fully expect you to show me where porn star Mary McCray is airing this out before a performance!

If this post is to be believed, there hasn't been any 54R has been imported for 10 months as of August 2015 -- so that's closer to 15 months now -- all thanks to the shit that's going down in Syria. But I suppose that offers a reasonable explanation as to why 7.62x39 (AK-47) and 7.62x38R (Nagant revolvers) seem to be the only surplus ammo available these days.

"I bought the car in ft Lauderdale at a dealership. Flew down to Florida and drove it all the way back to Ohio, titled it with its original 11 digit vin as a 1995 Nissan skyline, passed the out of state inspection, got full coverage insurance on it through State Farm, and dailied it until May, when it got into a fender bender. Insurance adjuster saw it wasn't federally legal, they flagged it, sent an undercover guy to look at it, then a few days later they showed up at my door and seized it. No charges because there was no fraud or vin swapping done, the Feds couldn't figure out how I got it titled the way I did lol but that's the real legit story lol - Billy Crider"

And by now I'm sure you've heard the St Louis Rams are relocating back to Los Angeles -- which to be honest, is where I think they truly belong since the Rams have so much history there. Anyway, here are some reactions from Rams fans: the angry fans and the not-so angry fans.

For today's FRIDAY FLICK, how about a little vintage Tom Hanks and John Candy? "Well, look at the time. We've been talking for over ten hours. You know, Beth; we'll be awfully busy once we get to Loon Ta. Why don't we take tonight for ourselves; little dinner, dancing and then see what develops. You know, there's only one thing we haven't shared." "You mean you spent that time talking to me and being nice so that you could have sex with me? " "Well, yes. I mean I think I've put in the hours, don't you?"


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