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Ernie's House of Whoopass! February 1, 2016
February 1, 2016

Jury Duty Part XIV: Until Next Time Take Care of Yourself. And Each Other.

Okay, one little tidbit about the closing arguments I forgot to mention. And as a precursor, I remember watching a television show once -- I think it was Boston Legal and I think it was Denny Crane who said this -- but while counseling a younger attorney he offers the following advice. "I want you to object to everything the opposing counsel says. I don't care what they say, I don't care why you object, I don't care if the judge overrules every objection. I just want to you throw them off their game and don't let them get into a rhythm." And that is exactly what Unpronounceablename did to Peter Griffin throughout his entire closing argument. Which side note, I didn't know you could object during a closing argument, but anyway. Unpronounceablename was objecting as he was just walking up to the microphone. That poor fucker couldn't even purse his lips together to start speaking and Unpronounceablename was objecting for one reason or another. Some were sustained and some were overruled, but after the third or fourth objection, you could see the frustration in Peter Griffin's face. I don't know if that was her plan or not, but it was certainly the effect. It was actually kind of brutal.

And not that I am advocating burglary -- I fucking hate car thieves, especially career ones -- but if I were to be the little devil on Chris Penn's shoulder, here are a few tidbits of advice I would have whispered into his ear. Upon his initial confrontation with John Goodman for looking into the toolbox of Goodman's truck, the absolute worst thing he could have done is exactly what he did; attempt to flee without any explanation. What would have worked in his favor is immediately upon being challenged by John Goodman, Chris Penn could have offered his bullshit, "I thought it was my boss's truck," excuse followed by an enthusiastic apology, and presuming John Goodman didn't believe his line of bullshit, offered to wait around for the police to arrive and clear the matter up. Hell, even jump up and down waving your arms once the responding officer arrived on scene and when he got out of his car, explain that you were going in to set up an appointment for [whatever damn lump or mole somewhere on your skin} and made a simple mistake. Now odds are the officer would have done a background check on Chris Penn, seen all his previous arrests for car burglaries (see below) and arrested him anyway. But he would have avoided the more serious Aggravated Assault with a Deadly Weapon charge altogether, plus have created enough reasonable doubt -- what kind of thief offers to wait around for the cops-- that it's possible he would have been acquitted of the burglary charge altogether; or at the very least been convicted of the lesser trespassing charge.

Second thing. I've already touched on how fucking stupid it was for him to flee to a fucking convenience store parking lot when the bridge to Ford Myers was so close, so I won't revisit that again. But while he was inside the Race Trac -- you know "getting something to drink" -- and saw John Goodman pull up behind him and block him in, his best course of action would have been to flip the script and call 911 himself. "Yeah there's this crazy guy who attacked me in a parking lot, keyed my car, chased me down the road to a Race Trac, and now he's trapped my car in. I'm inside the store and I'm afraid to go outside." Hell, even better, have the store clerk or some other bystander call on your behalf. Maybe even make a scane and toggling the door lock to, "keep that crazy guy out since he's already attacked me once." Again, it may not have ultimately stopped Chris Penn's arrest for the initial burglary attempt, especially once his previous arrest record came to light during the intial investigation, but would have created a metric shit ton of reasonable doubt on the jury's end. And again, would have prevented his blind panic reaction of almost running a fucking guy over with his car, because I suspect that momentary lapse of reason is going to cost him a decade of his life.

Hey Ernie, You didn't have a photo challenge for today, so I decided to track down your characters from your epic tale of public service. I first went here and scrolled through all the Judges' Tuesday schedules, remembering your disappointing non-taco lunch, finally found what I was looking for. Here are: El Hefe, Unpronounceablename, and Peter Griffin. I couldn't figure out who Dr. Taub was, but I'm guessing somewhere on here. I've spent a lot of time in court (NOT as a defendant) and laughed my ass off at the way you described everything, Excellent work, my friend. As for the star of the show, this was not his first rodeo. Keep 'em Coming, Tim

I know I dropped a few breadcrums along the way, but still quite impressive, Tim! The only thing you got wrong was El Jefe; it seems Judge Porter was originally scheduled to hear that case, but due to some unforseen circumstances had Judge Dommerich sit in for him. And I looked through all of the local Assistant State Attorney profiles, but didn't see Dr Taub among them, although a few profiles didn't have photos so perhaps he's one of those? And as for Unpronounceablename, she could have repeated her name ten times, and spelled it out for me using crayons, and I still don't think I'd have gotten it right. Srsly. And Chris Penn is due to be sentenced on the 23rd of this month.

Just in time for Universal Studios to eat shit for decomissioning the BTTF ride in favor of that shitty ass Simpsons ride, the most iconic piece of the most iconic movie's repertoire is coming back. That's right motherfuckers, the DeLorean is slated to go back into production next year.

I'll admit that generally I'm not a huge fan of remanufactured ammo -- specifically those made by Billy-Bob in his bath tub gin reloading room -- but commercially reloaded ammo, I'm not so shy about. Right now you can grab up a case of 1000 brass cased .45ACP rounds for $248 shipped, which is about $150 less than new stuff was a year ago.

Old and busted: Driving your Corvette through flooded streets. The new hotnes: Driving your Lamborghini through flooded streets.


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