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Ernie's House of Whoopass! April 8, 2016
April 8, 2016

This Is Some Regular Columbo Shit Right Here.

I accept your challenge and have tracked down exactly what ship is behind the blonde with great knockers. For starters, you should know that each cruise line has their own brand signature: Carnival Cruises is known for their whale tail funnel, Norwegian Cruise Line has their unique paint schemes, and in this particular case, Royal Caribbean is known for their Viking Crown Lounge which is built around a stack of the ship and is the highest guest-accessible area on board.

Next a quick visit to their website reveals Royal Caribbean sails seven different classes of cruise ships: the Quantum class (brand new, big motherfuckers), Oasis class, Freedom class, Voyager class, Radiance class, Vision class, and Sovereign class. Right off the bat we know the Quantum is out, so it didn't take long to narrow your ship down to the Voyager class, of which there are five: the lead ship Voyager of the Seas, the Explorer of the Seas, the Adventure of the Seas, the Navigator of the Seas, and the Mariner of the Seas. So now it was just a matter of finding out where they each were during Spring Break of 2014, which is when that photograph was taken.

The first ship I could rule out is the Explorer of the Seas, since its Wikipedia article states, "In fall 2014, she sailed 5 to 9 day Caribbean cruises out of Port Canaveral, Florida." Next to be ruled out was the Adventure of the seas, since it was moved to a new base in Southampton one year earlier in 2013. Next I thought I had nailed it down -- the Mariner of the Seas -- since its Wikipedia article specifically notes, "Although the ship is equipped with anchors, because of the azipods, bow thrusters and GPS navigation the Mariner in good weather is capable of maintaining station without anchoring. Thus, in ports without berthing facilities such as Cabo San Lucas, Mexico (WHICH IS WHERE THESE PHOTOS WERE TAKEN), the ship does not generally drop anchor, and maintains position automatically." And while the Mariner of the Seas did indeed sail to Mexico, it had been repositioned to Europe four years earlier, in January of 2010.

That left two remaining possibilities: the Navigator of the Seas, or the Voyager of the Seas. The former was my initial hunch since, "The Navigator of the Seas returned to Civitavecchia for the Summer of 2013 before moving to Galveston, TX to sail 7-night Mexico cruises." But at the same time I could not rule out Voyager of the Seas, since I couldn't find any information regarding where it was sailing back in 2014, "As of 2016 Voyager of the Seas alternates between Australia and New Zealand itineraries out of Sydney in Southern Hemisphere summer and Asia itineraries out of Singapore and Hong Kong in the Northern Hemisphere summer."

My big break came when I was researching the Voyager class, and looking for any visible distinction between the individual ships. I hit paydirt with, "Navigator of the Seas and Mariner of the Seas make up the second generation of Voyager-class vessels. ... The second-generation ships also feature glass balconies that extend out from the side of the ship, while the first-generation ships had metal-walled balconies recessed into the superstructure." That means the older Voyager of the Seas has recessed balconies, while the newer Mariner of the Seas has protruding balconies.

The difference between the two balcony styles becomes very pronounced when you compare them side by side. Specifically, notice the recessed balconies of the Yoyager of the Seas have a very distinct light/dark profile, while any distinct lines of the Navigator of the Seas' protruding balconies get muddled by the green hue of the balcony glass. It is this distinction that allowed me to complete your challenge. That cruise ship is without a doubt, THE NAVIGATOR OF THE SEAS. Tracking this down was surprisingly more fun than I thought it would be! James from Baltimore

Hey Ernie. Long time reader first time contributor. I work at a body shop in Waukesha WI and this vehicle arrived the other day. I thought it would be perfect EHOWA material! Ouch. -Jared

Make way for the King of Walmart! LT

Ernie, I was at the National Atomic Testing Museum in Vegas last week. One of the more unusual items was this booklet made by J.C.Penney of Las Vegas showing before and after the blast. Hopefully they are coming out with the Fall Nuclear Line of clothing soon. Brian

The Mortal Kombat franchise has been around for almost a quarter of a century, offering cathartic torrents of blood, blows, and bluster to teens and teens-at-heart everywhere for that period of time on into the future. Some hero has compiled all of the game's famous Fatalities into one feature-length video, entitled Every Fatality Ever. You're welcome.

If you'd like to watch Ernie "7 Putt" Els throw away his chances at a Green Jacket on the very first hole of The Masters, you can do so here.

FRIDAY FLICK: "All right Detective Malone. Now the objective here is to have these individuals look upon you as if you were one of them, a member of the criminal underworld. So it's important that your actions, your speech, and your general mode of behavior is all congruent with their expectation of a fellow criminal. You have to look, act, and even think like a criminal. And you're gonna have to change your speech patterns too. Most criminals like to use slang terminology, profanity and so forth, especially with regard to police and authority figures."

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