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Holy Shit Snacks, It's November Already. Seems Like I Just Paid My Taxes Like Two Days Ago.

Jimmy Kimmel discovered just how much people are willing to believe about the emails on Hillary Clinton's server in the latest installment of "Lie Witness News" on Jimmy Kimmel Live Monday. Now before you get all excited about seeing how stupid these Trump supporters are, I'd ask that you keep one thing in mind. And that is without knowing how many people were interviewd in order to come up with the requisite number of idiots to create that segment, this is all just for laughs. That is to say, they may have had to interview two-hundred well informed voters in order to find these few who would choose to make complete asses of themselves, rather than public admit they don't know what's going on; or they may have only had to interview ten. Point being, without knowing the total of the sample set, don't hang your hat on these. And here are some of my other favorites: Clinton Supporters Agree With Donald Trump Quotes, Lie Witness News - Trump's Tax Returns Edition, What Would It Take For Donald Trump To Lose Your Vote?, Hillary Supporters Like Trump's Tax Plan, and my personal late favorite, - Higher Obamacare Premiums.

Sore As Fuck Today.

Orthpedic doc gave me a steroid pack last week. You know, one of those seven pills on day one, six pills on day two, five pills on day three... I felt like a million fucking dollars at first but now the steroids have worn off and all the pain and inflammation are pouring back. Shit, negro. Double ice packs, elevated, and a percocet coursing through my veins and I'm still fucking dying over here.

1:45am Ernie Was Estatic. 4:45am Ernie, Not So Much.

Last night's Game 7 of this World Series Was. The Greatest. Fucking. Baseball. Game. I. Have. Ever. Seen. In. My. LIfe. Seriously. I remember watching the Sox come back from an 0-3 deficit in the 2004 ALCS, then go on to win the Series in four again St Louis, and while that was indeed an experience, no single game from that series was as exciting as last night's Chicago-Miami Cleveland showdown. Congrats to the Cubs and their fans for making history, to Theo Epstein for simply being a fucking baseball genius and allowing the rest of us to bask in his glory, and especially tip your hats to the Indians for a great fucking (near) comeback, and running this right past the wire. Rajai Davis shouldn't ever have to buy his own beer, ever again. This great, GREAT fucking game was a nailbiter right to the last out.

This Is The Last Friday Before Apocalypse Tuesday.

In 1985, Red Stripe was first imported to the United States with poor initial results. With an eye towards the success of Heineken, Red Stripe for export was packaged in green standard 12 U.S. fl oz bottles. American consumers exposed to Red Stripe through their travels to Jamaica as well as Jamaican expatriates were reluctant to try the brand in the States since it was not packaged in its distinctive squat brown bottle and painted label. This marketing issue was resolved only to have shipments temporarily suspended in January 1989 due to cannabis smuggling in shipping containers discovered in the Port of Miami. Red Stripe recovered and rode the popularity of dance hall and reggae in the early 1990s to well over a million cases of annual distribution. Red Stripe is a significant sponsor of reggae, ska, and other music events, including the annual Reggae Sumfest hosted in Montego Bay.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Sorry We Fucked All Of This Up, Mr. Jefferson.

Looking back in history to the months and years surrounding the birth of our nation, there were about 4 million Americans in 1790 and despite this small population -- at least compared to today -- we still managed to elect a rather eclectic array of politicians to lead our country. And here we are just a cunt hair some 230 years after the first Constitutional Convention, our population has gone up exponentially, and yet we keep electing the same names to the highest office of the land. Washington DC has turned into an absolute cesspool of dishonesty and corruption, so if Hillary gets the nod, it will mean four powerful families -- Reagan, Bush, Clinton and Obama -- will have controlled this nation for 32 (possibly 36) years. That's the textbook definition of oligarchy. Well Tom, we had 229 good years, I guess.

I Don't Know Whether To Be Excited Or Horrified. or Both.

As you all know, I'm a Gary Johnson fan, and I think he would make a great president. But at the same time I have to be realistic about his chance of winning. That is to say, there really isn't one. And so I want to see Trump win. But before you have an aneurysm, hear me out. I want to see Trump win, but by a narrow enough margin where the votes siphoned off by the third party candidates come into play.

Holy Shit Snacks. I Didn't Expect It To Really Happen Either.

Wow, people are losing their shit over this election. Regular every day folks, famous celebrities, the liberal media, even guys riding the subway. There is good news for the fucking crybabies threatening to leave the country and move to Canada because of Trump's win, there's no IQ test involved.

The Day After The Day After.

Sean Penn: "Would you mind changing the channel? it's a bit, uh, neanderthalish." Ernie: "get the fuck outta my bar." Eighteen second commercial, boom done.

Happy Veteran's Day.

On November 11, 1919, U.S. President Woodrow Wilson issued a message to his countrymen on the first Armistice Day in which he expressed what he felt the day meant to Americans:

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Love Trumping Hate Involves More Assault, Burglary, Vandalism, And Arson That I Would Have Guessed.

At Garnier, they've created the world's most advanced sun products, with the best textures, designed for the whole family, so wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you're protected. As a pioneer in natural technology for more than 70 years, Garnier Ambre Solaire continues to push the boundaries of suncare innovation by creating outstanding formulae which offer superior protection. Easy to apply, the Moisturising spray SPF20 feels fresh on the skin, is instantly absorbed and doesn't leave white marks Hydrated and protected, your skin is better defended against the sun's harmful rays.

Ernie's Law of Inverse Proportions States....

... That the size of a group complaining about a certain thing, is exponentially smaller than the group complaining about the group complaining about that certain thing. Examples: The number of people who actually complain about Tim Tebow praying is dwarfed by the number of people who complain about people who complain about Tim Tebow praying. The number of people who complain about breast feeding in public is a far cry from the number of people who complain about people who complain about breast feeding in public. See also: people offended by the Washington Redskins, people who think the new Ghostbusters tanked because of misogyny, people who said "racism was dead in America", and people offended by Stabucks holiday cups.

How many days until Christmas 2016? Santa says 39 sleeps!

Often stereotyped as the preferred disguise of robbersm a domino mask -- from Latin dominus, "lord", and Medieval Latin masca, "specter" -- is a small, often rounded mask covering only the eyes and the space between them. The masks have seen special prevalence since the 18th century, where they have become traditional wear in particular local manifestations of Carnival, particularly with Venetian Carnival. Domino masks have found their way into a variety of high society and popular art forms.

One Week To Turkey Town.

Yes Man is a 2008 British–American comedy film directed by Peyton Reed, written by Nicholas Stoller, Jarrad Paul, and Andrew Mogel and starring Jim Carrey and co-starring Zooey Deschanel. The film was a box office success, but received mixed reviews from critics. It was released on December 19, 2008, opening at No. 1 at the box office in its first weekend with $18.3 million and was then released on December 26, 2008 in the United Kingdom going straight to the top of the box office in its first weekend after release. Production for the film began in October 2007 in Los Angeles. The film is based loosely on the 2005 book Yes Man by British humorist Danny Wallace, who also makes a cameo appearance in the film.

Mondays are a good day to make statements, not Friday. -- Ernie Els.

The first Del Taco restaurant opened in Yermo, California on September 16, 1964, and on the first official day of business, Del Taco made $169. In 1966, the the original Del Taco sun logo was created and in 1967, Del Taco introduced their famous bean and cheese burrito with green or red sauce to their menu. Before long, the restaurants were being founded throughout Southern California. Modern Del Taco serves two different types of food: Mexican and American. Their standard menu includes Hard Shell Tacos, Soft Tacos, Burritos, Quesadillas, Nachos, Deluxe Taco Salad, Crinkle Cut French Fries, Chili Cheddar Fries, Double Del Cheeseburger, Bacon Del Cheeseburger, Triple Del Cheeseburger, Fries, Shakes, and at least four types of Dinner Burritos.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Happy Almost Turkey Day.

In her book called Petals in the Ashes about the Great Fire of 1666, Mary Hooper explains that scented water to bathe in can be made of dried herbs. She explains the idea of making such a scented water is to put 8 tablespoons of dried herbs in a pan of 1 pint of water and simmer for 10 minutes. This water then is to be allowed to cooled. Then it is to be strained to remove all the herb pieces. For the actual bath then a quarter of this scented water is to be put into your bath, highlighted with fresh flower petals on top of the bath water. She explains roses and lovage have a cleansing and deodorising effect.

C'mon, Admit It. This Would Be Exciting As Fuck.

General Krulak said, when he was Commandant of the Marine Corps, every year, starting about a week before Christmas, he and his wife would bake hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of Christmas cookies. They would package them in small bundles. Then on Christmas day, he would load his vehicle. At about 4 a.m., General Krulak would drive himself to every Marine guard post in the Washington-Annapolis-Baltimore area and deliver a small package of Christmas cookies to whatever Marines were pulling guard duty that day. He said that one year, he had gone down to Quantico as one of his stops to deliver Christmas cookies to the Marines on guard duty. He went to the command center and gave a package to the lance corporal who was on duty. He asked, “Who's the officer of the day?” The lance corporal said, “Sir, it's Brigadier General Mattis.” And General Krulak said, “No, no, no. I know who General Mattis is. I mean, who's the officer of the day today, Christmas day?”

Happy Day Before Thanksgiving.

Bettas are a large genus of small, often colorful, freshwater ray-finned fishes in the gourami family, commonly known as the Siamese fighting fish. Bettas are anabantoids, which means they can breathe atmospheric air using a unique organ called the labyrinth. This accounts for their ability to thrive in low-oxygen water conditions that would kill most other fish, such as rice paddies, slow-moving streams, drainage ditches, and large puddles. The first thing to ask yourself when you're keeping betta fish in water-based houseplant environments is if you want to use live or fake plants. Both are fine, but you need to take some things into consideration. If you want to use live plants, you have two options – either underwater aquarium plants that will live in the tank with your fish, or land plants that will stick up out of the bowl with just the roots submerged.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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