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Ernie's House of Whoopass! January 26, 2017
January 26, 2017

I Think People Forget There's More Than One Way To Skin A Cat.

When you consider the protests were organized and attended by women who dressed up as vaginas, I think it's fair to say that of the three causes given as reasons to march -- reproductive, civil and human rights -- reproductive rights were probably at the forefront of everyone's mind [source]. Second, Trump wanted to stop federal funding for the domestic Planned Parenthood [source]; I say domestic because we'll address International Planned Parenthood in a second. And third, final estimates suggest there were 3,200,000 protesters throughout the United States [source]. So armed with that information -- and setting all politics aside for minute -- let's consider the following.

DISCLAIMER: the only figure I'm going to kind of pull out of my ass here is the ratio of local protesters -- those who lived close enough to an organized a protest to drive to without needing accommodations -- to those who flew in from out of town and had to rent hotel rooms for the duration. For lack of any information on this, I'm going to split it down the middle... half the protesters are local and half the protesters flew in from out of town.

Based upon information derived from last year's LBEH numbers, I can tell you the average cost for a domestic airfare is $694 per ticket. That's here local in the continental United States, so no Alaska or Hawaii. And those are priced over the busy holiday season, which I think is a an accurate comparison because of the traffic generated by the inauguration, which happened the day prior. Add to that a $25 checked baggage fee each way -- "that's how they get you" -- and your plane ride sets you back about $744.

For out-of-town protesters I'm also budgeting two nights in a local hotel. My rationale is if they fly in one day and out the next -- thus saving $$ on hotel rooms -- they'll be paying more for their airfare. If they save money on their airfare by flying an extra day before or after the protest, they'll need to pay the extra night in the hotel. So in the end, it's a wash. What's the average price for a 3-star hotel during the inauguration? About $285 per night; now some people may opt for 1 or 2-star hotels, others for 4 or 5 stars, so I used three as the average. Two nights in your average Holiday Inn Express during the busy inaguration weekend will run you about $570.

So half a day travelling to the protest, the day of the protest, and half a day travelling back from the protest. Other reasonable incidentals during that time might include $100 for food and drink, $20 for protest materials (sign, marker, pink pussy hat, whatever), and $40 for transportation (ride to/from airport, ride to/from protest, subway, whatever). This brings the grand total for 1.6 million out of town protesters to $744 + $570 + $100 + $20 + $40 = $1,474 each for the honor of telling the President to kiss your ass. Money well spent, right?

The local protesters are a little easier and a lot less expensive. Figure $20 the protest materials, $40 to park your car or drive or uber to/from the protest, and another $40 for food/drink, bringing their total to $20 + $40 + $40 = $100 each. Some folks might be more frugal, others may say fuck it I'm in the big city and grab a nice dinner, so I'm pretty comfortable with my $100 figure for the 1.6 million locals.

Total spent to protest Donald Trump the day after his inauguration? Well we have 1.6 MILLION out of towners each spending $1,474 each, so that's $2,358,400,000 dollars. Pay attention kids, that's over two billion dollars. Add the other 1.6 MILLION locals each of whom are spending $100 and that's an additional $160,000,000 dollars. Grand total? A whopping $2,518,400,000. That's $2.518 BILLION DOLLARS spent protesting the new Republican president on his first full day in office.

Now Planned Parenthood receives $528.4 million dollars per year of federal funding, and like it or not, any federal money comes with strings and stipulations. Mortgages, student loans, pell grants, health care, food stamps, you name it... accepting government money means complying with government rules whether you agree with them or not. And as we are being reminded, government winds can shift direction in a short period of time, and your funding right along with it. So instead of being dependant on the federal teat, let's explore if this Planned Parenthood issue were approached from a different angle.

What if instead of a series of nationwide protests, those 3.2 million people simply donated the money they would have spent protesting ($2.518 billion dollars) directly to Planned Parenthood? Any idea how long that would replace the federal funding for? Try 4.77 YEARS. And the outcome? For starters, thanks to the strength of it's obviously very dedicated support base, Planned Parenthood would be able to tell the federal government to stick their funding -- and the Republican's anti-abortion restrictions that come with it -- right up its big fat ass. Then assuming a 25% tax bracket, that $2.518 billion dollars in donations would be written off on taxes, depriving the federal government of about $629.6 million dollars in tax revenue.

Or to put another way, imagine if at the end of the protest Donald Trump walked out onto the White House balcony with a big ass bullhorn and announced to the nation, "The protesters are right. So I am signing an Executive Order to fully fund Planned Parenthood for the next four years and nine months." The protesters would have gone apeshit; patting themselves on the back, "OMG democracy in action!" and "Mission Accomplished!" and singing "I can't keep quiet" until their throats were raw, and going back home telling people, "Yeah man, I was THERE when we marched on Trump!"

Instead, honestly ask yourself what the tangible result of these protests is going to be. I'll tell you: Dick. Shit. Absolutely nothing. Well, I suppose that $2.518 billion was injected into the airline industry and local economies, so I guess that's something. But in regards to reproductive, civil and human rights? Jack. Shit. Now I'm not making a statement one way or the other about abortion being good or bad, Planned Parenthood being saint or sinner, or telling anyone not to protest for the things they believe in; the freedom to do so is one of the things that sets us apart from the rest of the world. But I am telling you we're supposed to use our fucking heads, too.

Now, as for Trump signing an Executive Order reinstating the Mexico City Policy and tightening restrictions around the $100 million given to International Planned Parenthood? Well when you consider that on a global scale there were upwards of 5 million protesters -- an additional 1.8 million protesters/donors -- this problem kind of solves itself, doesn't it?

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