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Ernie's House of Whoopass! May 9, 2017
May 9, 2017

Anyone Who Has Ever Been On An MRE Diet Knows This Story.

"On my 1st deployment to Iraq, my camp was basically a glorified truck stop for convoys & helicopters passing through. Since we didn't have a real kitchen because the camp was so small we had to depend on food trucked in from a larger base in the area. If there were too many bombs on the road to our camp we wouldn't get the food and we would just be stuck with MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat). For most people I know, eating too many MRE's tend to have adverse affects on pooping patterns. For me, too many meant I should expect some constipation. Then, when I would switch back to regular food, the flood gates would open.

Halfway through my tour, bombs were being planted on the roads faster than they could clear them. So, for about 3 weeks, we were on an all MRE diet. It felt like I was carrying around a brick in my stomach & when I actually did shit, it felt like I was trying so hard to push that brick out that it felt like the veins in my neck would burst. There wasn't anyone in camp that had anything to use as a laxative. Even the medics had run out of pooping aids.

Then, one day out of nowhere, the food truck shows up! It shows up full of surf & turf. The best part were the piles of chocolate chips cookies. I must've had 15 of those cookies with my meal. I was expecting the emergency shit evacuation sometime that night, but it never happened. At the time I was relieved because the lines after dinner for the shitters looked like an Apple store before a new iPhone comes out. My relief was short lived.

In the morning, we got movement orders to another camp four hrs away to help out another team with an upcoming operation. It was such a rush to get ready and leave I didn't notice I hadn't shit yet. About 30 minutes into our drive, the three weeks worth of shit bricks announces it's time to move out. I was in our trucks turret and it felt like with every bump in the road I was one step closer to shitting my pants while everyone in the cab would get an eye level view of it. My asshole was doing it's best but massive failure was at hand. I radioed my driver to tell him to relay up to the convoy commander if we can stop because I was going to shit my pants. At this point I don't care if I earned the scorn & humilation from the entire convoy. Before he gets on the radio, our truck starts spewing oil out & the oil pressure drops. We have to stop on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. I'm saved!

After pulling into our protective formation, I go to the farthest corner of the formation and with my friend Richie providing over watch I proceed to carpet bomb this small part of Iraq with choclate chip shit. The relief was immense. But no shit goes unnoticed. My friend Richie never let me forget he had to stand there for the whole shit massacre. Even 6 years later when I ran into him & his wife in Hawaii he told his wife, 'Remember that story I told you about watching someone take a shit?" This is the guy.' Awkward." -- Aaron via Drew Magary

You can meet that blonde with her perky little bat-knockers for some live music at the Funky 544 in New Orleans. My second challenge, woohoo! Jeff

That blue bottle is definitely Moroccan Argan Oil shampoo. I can tell by her hair!! Chris

Ernie, The pretty young lady with the fit body uses OGX Renewing Argan Oil of Morocco Shampoo. Also, the blonde flasher driving the SRT8 is at one of the seven Coney I-Lander locations in Oklahoma. Please keep up the phenomenal work! Josh

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Okay I really have no clever lead in for this challenge other than to simply ask what the fuck is that blue thing in the clear plastic case?

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