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Ernie's House of Whoopass! May 16, 2017
May 16, 2017

If I Had A Blacklight, This Would Look Like A Jackson Pollock Painting.

"About eight weeks ago, my fiancee returned from a month long trip to Europe. I was missing her like crazy, not just for the sex, but also because of the sex. I had decided to propose while in her absence, buying the ring and whatnot. She came back, I proposed nonchalantly at home (we've lived together for the past four years, so we are basically married already) and we hugged in joy with our cat and dog. So, ready to face our five-star life of the future, we start caressing and mildly engaging in some nice foreplay. However, kitchen stuff needed to be finished, so we paused and finished tidying up the house. While I was finishing the dish-cleaning, she ran upstairs to get a shower. She whispered in my ear to join her in a few minutes.

I heard the shower upstairs and I immediately felt the need to take a massive crap. I hurried to the downstairs toilet, opened my iPad and started checking the Guardian website while I disposed of a respectable succession of turds. However, the last one was one of those lazy turds that keeps hanging and breaks apart halfway. I shuffled and see-sawed my body as much as I could to get rid of the leftover shit and it surely dropped, but some nasty cream remained stuck. While I was attempting to clean the mess I hear my girl scream that she was waiting for me. I got stupidly nervous, ended "cleaning" and headed upstairs still reeking of shit. I opened the door, undressed and got in the shower. I don't know if it was the mixture with vapor, but the combination of it with my shit stench was too much. She looked distressed and laughed nervously.

The window was open, so I started doing a fake sniff, as if also feeling surprised. "It smells horrible, wonder what the neighbors are doing?" I said with aplomb. She looked unconvinced but I guess there was no reason for her to connect the shit dots. While showering I did try and clean my crack as discreetly as possible, leaving partial stains on my hand in the process, but managing to make it without her noticing. I think the smell was too strong, because she told me to go have sex in the bed as opposed to doing it there in the shower.

So on we go to bed and being happy as she was, she decided to go on top all the way. It was a fantastic performance and it was a long lasting fuck. We finished, we hugged and off she went to clean herself. When I turned on the lights I looked at the Duvet and there it was: a lame attempt at a Jackson Pollock study done by my stained ass. There were skid marks all over in around 50 shades of brown. I knew it was a matter of seconds before she came back, so I took the duvet cover, did a final ass cleaning with all my might (I surely cleaned that crack with that fine cotton), put on my boxers and made a ball of the duvet. I told her I found some dog paw stains on it and that I was going to clean it (playing the new perfect husband role). She smiled back and never noticed. Until last week, when she admitted she realized I had a dirty ass that night when she got up from sex and saw the marks. I really love that girl." -- Rick via Drew Magory

First, all of the Close-But-No-Bananas...

It's a vintage Thermos Jug, and you can buy it at Ebay. Skip from G.R.

Ernie says: BZZZZT! Her cooler is made by Coleman, not Thermos.

Hi Ern, I recognized this immediately. It is a Vintage Coleman Drink Cooler. I have had many a splash of cool aid from this very same device as a kid. Looks like you are going to Ebay for a deal on this one. Cheers, Randy

The old cooler in your photo today is a vintage Coleman picnic cooler, common favorite of campers. You can find one for $9.95 on eBay if you like green ones. Charles

Among the infinite tea varieties there are varieties of special importance. They appeared not today and not at once, but being independent of fleeting breath of popularity they have a high measure of flavour that comes from mixture of traditions, perfection of tea leaves processing and beauty of endless change of nature. They reveal the beauty of halftones and shades as well as exceptional fullness of perfect taste, through which it is possible to experience the fleeting moment, embodied in a cup of tea... And once they pose such a specific magnetism the advice of Oscar Wilde, who believed the only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it, is worth following. It is these varieties of tea that you will find in the Greenfield tea collection.

Okay, now we put this cooler thing to bed...

I found a lot of coolers that were close, but specifically you are looking for a Coleman cooler with: round ribbed bottom, round handle, Coleman logo on the red top half, flat top, and the spout on the top surface above the logo. I found that cooler here on eBay for $7.95 and counting! Erik

Not only an espresso machine, but it's a Jura J5. You didn't see that one coming, did you? ;-) -Tore

In some situations, it is desirable to install an in-line switch to control a device, such as a desk lamp, or an under-counter light, allowing the device to be turned on and off without having to pull the plug in and out of the outlet. The in-line roller switch is a very simple device that interrupts the current flow to the lamp by connecting or disconnecting the hot wire.

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