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Ernie's House of Whoopass! September 7, 2017
September 7, 2017

Sunday Looks Like It's Going To Be Very Exciting!

While I would be more than happy to have gone through this dance for absolutely nothing... both cars are gassed up, I have two 16x20' tarps, 40'x100' of 6 mil plastic sheeting, a generator with 40 gallons of gas, 7 cases of bottled water, 3 cases of sparking water (we're not barbarians), a 65 gallon water bladder in bathub, 2 lifestraws, enough canned/dry goods for 4 weeks, 10 MREs, 2 weeks of dehydrated emergency rations, 30lbs of dry dog food, a freezer full of ice, 3 cases of shitty light beer, 2 cases of red wine, 2 handles of vodka, 1 bottle of bourbon, 45 rolls of shit tickets, 1 med kit, and enough guns to pound those North Korean cocksuckers all the way back to the 39th parallel. Still, I sincerely hope this is all for naught.

But if my fears turn out to be well founded, consider this. A female friend of a friend asked us, "Can you guys help me put plywood up?" Being the gentlemanly motherfuckers that we are, we agree. Initial plan was to put it all up yesterday evening. But she calls it off, hoping to delay for one more day. "Hmmmm," I ask, "why didn't she do this earlier this weekend?" "SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DRILL HOLES INTO HER HOUSE OF SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO." Meaning, she doesn't have pre-cut plywood shutters, she has absolutely fucking NOTHING. There are no pre-cut pieces of wood waiting to be popped into place, she's never put shutters on this house at ALL. "Holy FUCK, does she even have the stuff she needs to do this?" "She has the hardware, I think." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

To put this task into perspective, there isn't a single sheet of plywood available for sale anywhere in South Florida. Not. One. Single. Sheet. Same for Plylox hurricane clips to hold plywood over the windows. Same for masonry drill bits. And masonry screws. And saw blades -- and that's assuming she even has a saw and a drill. But even by some miracle if she did have these things, by waiting to the very last minute it means the slightest hiccup -- missing a few clips, a broken drill bit, a drill battery that won't hold a charge -- and the process comes to a grinding halt because it's impossible to get a replacement. In short, if the storm swings a little more east than they're currently predicting, she's fucked.

A Delta commercial flight just raced Hurricane Irma to Puerto Rico
yeah let me tell you what happened
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how bucktoothed do you need to be in order to do this?
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this cupping shit freaks me out
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