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Ernie's House of Whoopass! October 25, 2017
October 25, 2017

This Is Why We Used To Put Painter's Tape On The Glass Doors.

"I spent my undergrad years at Auburn University in Alabama. The city of Auburn is very nice (population about 60,000 when school is in session) but the outlying areas of Lee County, in which Auburn is located, were home to some of the finest inbred crackers that Jerry Springer scouts could ever hope to encounter. Other areas of Alabama have much higher concentrations of white trash, but it really doesn't make any difference. Strategically placed, it would only take about 50 of these guys to make any city, however progressive, take on the image that just about all cities in Alabama have with the outside world. I digress.

One summer night, we were drinking on a backyard deck and one of the guys decided to go in and make another drink of whiskey. He tried to accomplish this by walking through the closed sliding glass door. He realized his error when he got about halfway through and managed not to fall. His blue jeans kept his lower body pretty much unscathed, but the Tshirt he was wearing did nothing to prevent a really nice gash about 2 inches long on the outside of one of his arms. Blood spurted out about an inch with every heartbeat until we put pressure on it. He had scratches all over his face and hands, but he was unusually calm about the incident. We started the drill.

We were all WAY too drunk to drive, and the Auburn Police give an incredibly high number of DUIs. Fortunately we tended to date girls that didn't drink much on Tuesday nights. The girlfriend carpool arrived and we piled in for the trip to the mergency room, as this was always a community event.

Upon arrival in the waiting room, we began our regular routine. It was apparent from early on that we were in for a treat. Sitting directly across from me, alone, was a skinny redneck tard with long, stringy hair emerging from underneath the painter's cap that was the grit fashion du jour. Scraggly beard, huge Adam's apple, tank top shirt with one of those "funny sayins" on it, and cut off jeans. Not your ordinary cutoffs, however. These were cut so short on at least one leg as to allow one of his testicles to come out for a bit of fresh air. We immediately pointed the stray ball out to the nurzing staff and they got a huge kick out of it. The testicle barer never showed the slightest bit of self consciousness about his attire. One person who was there swears that our man had occasion to reach down and scratch it a time or two.

The guy sitting next to my sliced-up friend looked a little tense. He had the Richard Ramirez, night stalker look going. He was sweating and wringing his hands when a nurse approached him to ask a question. It was at this point that the guy climbed on top of the back of his chair and kind of perched like a bird for a second before launching himself towards the nurse. She was quick enough to move out of the way of the flying stressed man. The guy was a complete maniac when he managed to get up to his knees after a pretty hard landing. He held his arms straight out to his sides , tilted his head back and began screaming some shit about rodents in as loud as I have ever heard an unamplified voice. It didn't take but about 20 seconds to get the guy into restraints. As they wheeled him past us, he put some kind of curse on us. I think to this day that the curse may have been the cause of the terrible flatulence I have since suffered.

Soon afterward the nurzes came and got my friend to sew him up. They let us go back to watch the stitch job and we were more than happy to critique the resident doing the sewing. He told us that the screaming guy had been dropped off at the door before the fit and that he had gone into some serious convulsions when they got him out back. He had apparently been going for a Crystal Meth marathon record. The testicle guy was waiting for his son, who had been hit over the head with a *pop-up-pinball* toy by a sibling. The family might not have been much to look a, but it had a theme, by God.

ObT: What started the Mergency room conversation this weekend. Drunk, I walked out into the front yard and talked to at least one neighbor before realizing that not only my fly was completely unzipped, but that the tip of my crank was hanging out underneath the bottom of my tshirt. Hidey Ho!" -- Fatty

Hi Ernie, Got an infographic here that provides information about the top 10 most popular dog breeds around the world. Best Regards, David

Hi Ernie, Thought you would like this. This is better than any porn. Fuck those guys. Regards, Eric

Catalonia's push for independence is taking its toll on the region's tourism industry, with revenues and hotel bookings down since a banned October 1 secession referendum that was marred by violence. With its capital Barcelona and Costa Brava beaches, Catalonia is the Spanish region that most attracts foreign visitors. More than 18 million visitors went in 2016, or a quarter of all foreigners who came to Spain. "The tourism sector is one of the most strongly affected by the instability," Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy told parliament last week as defended his government's handling of the Catalan crisis. But images of police beating would-be voters as they tried to stop the independence referendum and the massive street demonstrations in Barcelona that followed the vote had dampened visitors' enthusiasm. Despite this, might you be able to find this beachside bar, so I may meet that very enthusiastic young lass for a drink?

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