Damn Right I Do. Rockin It Old School.

I'm too short to have ever appreciated backetball, but this is balls out hilarious. At 7'2" and 7'8", the Ivan Brothers have unprecedented size and otherworldly raw talent. The biggest men on any campus, they're about to storm the NCAA tournament and get Medieval on March. Chickens in the pen! Chicken in the pen! It's five minutes you won't regret, trust me.

You know what made me laugh? Christina Hendricks -- a natural blonde, by the way -- was recently quoted as saying, "Anytime someone talks about your figure constantly, you get nervous, you get really self-conscious. I was working my butt off on the show, and then all anyone was talking about was my body!" Honey, I hate to break the news to you, but we aren't fascinated with your body, we're fascinated with your enourmous tits. The rest of you could be a cellulite, wart riddled mass, and we wouldn't care. So here's a picture gallery dedicated to Christina Hendrick's enormous tits natural beauty. You're welcome.

The age of modern technology has turned so many women woman with a digital camera and a mirror into wannabe glamour models. The interwebs are littered with videos of booty shaking babes in their bedrooms and self shot mirror pics of the good, the bad and the ugly in various states of nakedness and seductive poses.

If you're a cat person you might want to avoid the most horrifying things found in the homes of "Hoarders". Hint: Hoarders aren't dog people.

Sooo, Chris Brown doing a commercial for Cover Girl makeup... in poor taste?

real-life hurt locker: how bomb-proof suits (are supposed to) work.

big bertha (howitzer), nasa's crawler-transporter, and the principality of sealand.

I Know A Few Girls Who Are Brokenhearted Right Now.

Everybody who is still alive, raise your hand. What's that? NOT SO FAST, COREY HAIM! Yeah, hunting vampires just won't be the same without you.

Old and busted? Rick Rolling. The new hotness? Well, you'll see.

First it was praying mantis vs goldfish. Now it's praying mantis vs a hummingbird. Note to self? Don't fuck with praying mantises. Just give up your wallet and run.

You know, there was a time when I'd have flamed you just for being Canadian. Ahh, the good old days. Anyway, being a former resident of Rochester, I used to tell people that New York City wasn't really a part of New York state. They're kind of their own little animal down there. And I suppose the same can be said for Texas, in regards to the country as a whole. Yeah, they don't wrap em real tight down there, so don't take anything they say to heart. Me personally, I'm glad the Canadian teams took home gold in both men's and women's hockey. Fuck you guys hosted the Olympics and hockey is the national sport -- of course you're entitled to have a few heroes. I hope the Ruskies do equally well in 2014, because they've got hockey in their blood, too. Besides I think a lot of Olympic events were ruined the moment they started letting professional athletes play in 1988. Now when you see Pavel Datsyuk lace up his skates or Allen Iverson make a free throw, we're just watching another All Star game only with fancier jerseys and more sponsors. When it was all amateurs? Ahhh, that's what made the Miracle on Ice such a miracle.

Speaking of the good old days, remember this old internet staple, what World War II would look like it it had happened in an IRC chat room? It's been passed around via email for as long as I can remember, I posted it to the joke list on July 17th, 1999. Well it's been updated for 2010, with Facebook the medium of choice this time. You have to pay close attention to it though, otherwise you'll miss the build up to subtle stuff like the Malta conference, sinking of the Bismark, and Montgomery's landing in Sicily.

who cheats? docs and stay at home moms.

"when a guy who is 205 lbs punches a midget..."

hate paying for cable? here's where your money goes.

ten years after: a look back at the dotcom boom and bust.

Pay No Attention To That Man Behind The Curtain!

"Ernie, So wait, let me get this straight. Advertisers can tell if I can see their ads or not and pays you accordingly? It's not your fault I block them, it's like punishing CBS for every time I Tivo CSI. But it's how you get paid, and I like your site (and hate feeling like a freeloader), so I'll white-list you and most of the other sites I like, and from now on just block individual ads I don't like. It's only one pair of eyes, but I hope it helps. Chris. P.S. Just clicked around a couple of your pages, and your ads aren't that bad. Thanks."

Well, sort of. But this brings to light a topic I've been wanting to do for awhile now, one that not many webmasters are willing to discuss openly. And that is to explain how motherfuckers like me make a living running websites. For starters, it ain't as fucking easy as it used to be. Five years ago when the economy had a full head of steam, life was good. The folks running the larger sites on the internet were having contests over who could buy the biggest yacht. Now that the economy has been through the ringer, not as many people have extra money to spend on porn subscriptions and novelty tshirts, and so the internet based economy suffers right along with the brick and mortar side of the house. Back in the big fat pimpin, rollin days around 2005, one might be able to make $120 a day off a single ad run on a single website. Now you'll be lucky to make a tenth of that, so instead of yachts it's more like Pee-Wee Herman's bicycle. Lately I've been able to be very selective with who I take on in regards to advertising, but I'll admit when times were lean I had to suck dick for beer money just like everyone else. But hey, it beats doing porn like Sly Stallone, right? Besides honestly, is reading an article that's titled, "6 Soldiers Who Survived Shit That Would Kill a Terminator" really that much of a chore for you? I didn't think so.

Anyway, both safe for work (SFW) and not safe for work (NSFW) websites make their cashola in one of three forms of advertising: cost-per-click (CPC), cost-per-action (CPA), or cost-per-thousand (CPM). I'll ass'plain each.

Cost-Per-Click is just like it sounds; a set fee for each visitor sent to a website. Thus is Site-A buys traffic from Site-B, Site-B earns money for each unique visitor he sends over to Site-A. The fee can be fixed or negotiated, and generally gets cheaper as the quantity goes up. So for example, Site-B may charge $0.005 (half a penny) per visitor for 30,000 visitors, but drop that down to $0.0045 in quantities of 60,000 or more. And remember this is per unique visitor, so if you click on the same link ten times, you still only count as one unique visit. Likewise, SFW traffic tends to be a little more expensive than NSFW traffic, simply because Site-B doesn't have to work as hard to convince people to go visit a site about tits. See, even in cyberspace the golden rule is, "Sex Sells." I've found some adult CPC sites out there are willing to pay as high as $0.03 CPC (wow!) per unique visitor, but the trade off is they inundate any poor hapless bastards you send over there with so much bullshit and spam, that people get so turned off you're effectively driving away your own readerbase. I hit a few of these sites back in the 2005/2006 era, and learned that lesson the hard way. My bad.

Next on the plate is Cost-Per Action, or more commonly referred to as affiliate marketing. In this business model, you're not paid on the amount of traffic you send, but a commission based upon the sales generated by the traffic you send. Perfect example: the little banner on the right for T-Shirt Hell? That's an affiliate link. When you visit their site from my link, they "know" that I was the referring site. Thus if you buy any shirts from them during that visit, I get a portion of that sale. Previously the commission was $4 per shirt, but as of the new year they bumped it up to $5 ... woohoo! I've been an affiliate of theirs since they started back in 2002; here, let's take a look at my stats. This month my traffic quality has been pretty good, thanks to two big sales on the 4th and 5th (thank you, whoever you are!); averaging only 60 clicks before I get a sale. Over the lifespan of our partnership, my average has been higher around 160 clicks per sale. Now just how big fat pimpin, rollin can one get from selling t-shirts on the side of a website? Well, thirteen G's over eight years is about $1,600 a year, or about $125 a month. Again, it's not a yacht, but it's a cable bill.

Last is is Cost-Per-Thousand -- CPM -- think Roman numerals, and is the most common form of advertising out there today. In CPM campaigns, a webmaster gets paid a certain fee each time an advertiser's banner ad is displayed 1,000 times. Back in the big fat pimpin, rollin days, it wasn't uncommon to find CPM campaigns in the $3.50-$4.00 range. So a site that gets 10,000 daily pageviews, running a $3.50 CPM campaign could stand to make (10,000 / 1,000 x $3.50) $35 a day from a single banner placement. Given that most sites usually have 2-3 banner placements, you can see how this added up quite quickly. But as time wore on and the economy began to falter, two things happened: first champagne stopped falling from the skies and two, CPM rates plummeted through the floor. The only saving grace with CPM advertising is they're not tracking unique visitors, so if you view ten pages on a site, all ten pageviews count towards that thousand CPM rate. Over the last few years, CPM campaigns were modified to adopt a variable payout based upon traffic quality, so sites that had better traffic quality -- known as a click-through-ratio -- were paid a higher CPM than those with a lower click-through-ratio. It's common for sites that rely heavily upon CPM campaigns to break up their articles into page 1, page 2, page 3, etc, to boost their number of pageviews. Sure it might be kind of an inconvenience, but hey a brother's got to pay the bills.

So again, let's look at the CPM stats that I run on my four little SFW sites that I started within the last year. As of 5:30am this morning when I ran that report -- you were still in bed, no doubt -- Ernie Street had made a whopping $0.24 in income, second only to BendBox which was setting the bar at $0.28. I know, try to wrap your mind around these huge figures, please. Anyway, if you look at the MTD ECPM -- Month to Date, Earned Cost Per Thousand -- you'll see that Street is paid a higher rate than BendBox is, $0.63 and $0.28 respectively. From a how-to perspective, I can tell you that this is because Street is more textual and thus the ad company can better match banners to the site's subject matter, increasingly the likelihood of a visitor clicking the banner. For example, one of the articles I posted on Street this morning is, "Honda 3R-C Concept To Provide Zero Emission Commuting”, so the banner ads can be very targeted and might reflect something in the neighborhood of hybrid cars, solar panels, Honda, etc. Where as with BendBox, there’s no real text to work with, so the banner ads that get displayed are kind of all over the place. That’s how over the course of the last week, Ernie Steet has managed to earn twice as much as BendBox, with half as much traffic. All said and done, the sites combine up to average around $275-$300 a month. Again, it's not a yacht, but it's an electric and water bill.

I go into this not only to expound upon the article I linked to yesterday, but to reinforce the fact that we -- the webmasters of the world -- make our bread and butter by getting people to visit our sites. And by extension, we fucking loathe shit that drives people away -- such as malicious code that sneaks its way into what is supposed to be safe advertising. So believe me, we don’t like malicious shit like that any more than you do, but it can happen to anybody. Example. There are two HUGE game sites on the web: Armor Games and Kongregate. and when I say huge, I mean that Armor Games is the 800th most visited site on the entire fucking world, with Kongretage right behind it at 1,094. These sites generate millions of dollars in income per year. But I visited Armor Games yesterday (looking for a game, selected Demolition Dude) and sure enough one of their banner ads tried to redirect me to one of the fake “Anti-Virus” sites. Now being as big as they are, I’m sure that by the time I noticed something was wrong, the folks at Armor Games were already reaming their advertising company a new asshole... but my point is still the same. Even the most respected and secure neighborhoods will occasionally see a burglary, even the most reliable and dependable cars occasionally break down and yes, even the most giant and seemingly safe sites will occasionally get hit with malware. So when it happens, trust me that the webmaster that runs the site is just as put off by it as you are. Don’t freak, don’t spaz, just kindly fire them off an email letting them know that one of their banner ads is misbehaving. Chances are, you won’t be able to figure out which banner ad it was (remember, they’re random), but we should be able to do something on the back end. But as for the other 99% of online advertising that's clean, hey if you see something that interests you, by all means click on it. And if you don't see anything that tickles your fancy, no big deal try again tomorrow. It's as simple as that.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I can afford to keep buying Samuel Adams.

And now a word from our sponsor, wink, wink: Brianne Chanel Cox is a 22-year-old model who has been modeling full time in the Las Vegas area for the past three years. Brianne is originally from Colorado, and she has an associates degree from UNLV for hospitality management. She's interested in travel and pursuing a modeling career. She has appeared in numerous magazines and has done runway modeling in numerous fashion shows.

This list of the funniest comediennes you should know about does not contain April macie and that makes baby Jesus cry.

P.S. Here's our old pal Eduard Hill singing other songs, many with real lyrics this time. Not that I can understand the commie pinko, but still. La-la-la-la-laa, anyway let's go hunt some Jews!

the twelve craziest movie mental patients.

second tron legacy trailer. wood! we've got wood!

i'm all in: watch a poker tournament get robbed on live television.

test your knowledge of world geography alone or against another online player.

Ohio! Ohio! Ohio!

A very interesting read: Why Ad Blocking is devastating to the sites you love.

While the French military leaves a lot to be desires, I have to admit their television isn't half bad. Now French cars such as Citroen? Eh, the jury is still out on that one. Anyway, my many thanks to the 500 million people who corrected me on this weekend's post, as the "Parma State of Mine" video was for/from Parma, OHIO... not Parma, NEW YORK. Sigh. I should have known nothing that cool could could come out of NYS. And just for the record, Dave was first:

The Inverse Graphing Calculator is like a backwards graphing calculator. Normally, you enter an equation into your calculator and then get a graph of the curve. The way the IGC works is, you type something you'd like as your curve, like 'Hello World' or 'I love you'. The IGC produces an equation which has this phrase as its graph! Wait, what? Here, I'll just show you. Alsmost as cool as the Inverse Graphing Calculator? Hugh Laurie's audition tape for the role of House.

The more you know: Heterochromia is the presence of different colored eyes in the same person. Heterochromia is uncommon in humans, but quite common in dogs (such as Dalmatians and Australian sheep dogs), cats, and horses. Most cases of heterochromia are hereditary, caused by a disease or syndrome, or due to an injury. Sometimes one eye may change color following certain diseases or injuries.

In honor of Mr. Edward Hill, here are the complete lyrics to the melody he so graciously sang for us. And in honor of Brittney Griner, here are the worst sucker punches in sports... thirty-two years on and the Woody Hayes one still makes me laugh. he died nine years later having never apologized, either.

Huge wave, cruise ship, blah-blah, blah. Who cares right? I mean it's just a stupid little wave. That is until you're eating dinner and there's seawater sloshing at your fucking feet. To hell with the women and children, get my fat ass on a lifeboat!

attention computer losers (aol people), use this site befor asking for help.

erik estrada vs. crack cocaine, with the future of humanity on the line.

george romero, how do i love thee? why let me count the ways.

ten masturbatory situations. hey it's perfectly normal.