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Ernie's House of Whoop Ass!
May 3, 2016

Today Is Tuesday. And Yes It Shall Be Tasteless.

During the day today, I needed to swing past the drive-thru at my bank. I got there to find long lines, and resigned myself to spending a bit of time there. An inveterate people watcher, I began to inspect the cars around me for someone 'interesting' to watch. A quick scan of my neighbors found no attractive women to fantasize about. Damn. Better settle for weird. I looked to the car on my right, and lo, paydirt. The late-model Cherokee held three occupants, but, from the look of it, those three shared the intellectual capacity of perhaps one and a half. It appeared to be a mother with her two boys, out for a little excursion.

Mom wore the cares and sorrows of a woman twice her age in her wrinkled and frowning face. She gazed off into the sky, paying little attention to her two charges. Her eyes, in particular, were sad and worn looking. I wondered if she knew whether it was her defective genes, or hubby's that resulted in the outpouring of birth from her loins. Just wondering who to blame, you know. Anyway, imagine her pride on Mother's Day! There were hints of an emerging trailer park queen about her, but she hadn't quite evolved to that point. She was woefully under the necessary heft and girth, and she had not yet graduated to a thrift-shop wardrobe. I am confident, however, that with a little focused effort, she could become a candidate for the Springer show within a year, two at most.

But, I digress. The stars of the show were clearly the boys. Both mongoloid, the one in the front seat looked much brighter than his brother, who sat behind mom. They both wore caps, and with a little neck craning, I could see that the hats bore their names in white iron-on letters. Perhaps they were souvenirs from a trip to a local fair, or, possibly part of mom's management strategy, in case she lost them at the mall. The one in the front seat was labeled "KENNY". His face narrower, his features less round, able to keep his mouth halfway closed, he appeared to be a higher functioning lad. He wore glasses, which lent a dignified and intellectual air to his countenance. He reminded me somewhat of the boy that played in that "heartwarming" family TV show a few years back, except he wasn't quite as bright looking. I can't recall the name of the show, but I'm sure someone will. His brother, "TIMMY", looked as though he had been much more seriously shortchanged in the genetic material department. Timmy had the broad round face, vacant eyes and drooling open mouth of a true mongoloid. Less animated than Kenny, and slouching against the restraint of his shoulder belt, Timmy was clearly befuddled by most of what was around him.

As I stared over at him, little Timmy slowly turned toward me. I'm not sure what motivated him, I'd like to think he was aware of my boredom, and sick need for entertainment (maybe I mean "need for sick entertainment"), but truthfully, I think that's unlikely. At any rate, lil' Timmy fixed me in his baleful stare, and without any discernible movement, proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach on the inside of the window. He sat calmly while a yellowish, mostly liquid, stream of vomit gushed forth in potent waves, splashing off the window, back onto his shoulder and face. Kenny was the first to notice, and he began what appeared to be agitated laughing. Mom spun around to help but there was little to be done.

I was curious what mom was going to do. Would she pull out of line and deal with the mess, or let Timmy sit tight until she could conduct her business, then exit the line more gracefully. I watched as she barked out some orders to Kenny, and he obediently exited the car, opened the rear passenger door, climbed in, and began swabbing the puke off of his brother's face and clothes with Kleenex. Of course, we all know that Kleenex are hardly the appropriate product to use in such a situation. As soon as the wet barf soaked the tissue, and reached his hands, his laughter and glee with the whole situation faded. He began to show his distaste, as his mom pulled wad after wad of Kleenex and thrust them into to his increasingly unwilling hands. Eventually the sights, smells and stimulus must have become to much for Kenny, because in mid-swab, he opened his eyes and mouth wide, and, lurching forward, he donated his lunch to Timmy. He caught Timmy on the shoulder and back with his first heave. Having completed his humanitarian gesture, of sharing, he disappeared below my field of vision. Kenny's vomit was not as runny, so the chunks stayed put on Timmy. Decorated twice, Timmy looked just ducky by this time.

I was nearly doubled over my steering wheel at the antics going on next to me. I was waiting for mom to turn around and blow chunks on Timmy, if for no other reason than to make it a true "family affair". Sadly, I suspect her charmed life of living with Kenny and Timmy had given her a strong stomach for such things. Unfortunately, my line moved forward at this point, and I was unable to keep a close watch on them any more. I was nearly unable to compose myself to deal with the teller, but managed to choke back the laughter enough to get through. After completing my transaction I pulled away from the bank, but not without glancing into my rear view mirror to bid a fond farewell to Kenny, Timmy and mom. They made my day. I hope they made yours as well. -- the old bastard

Ernie, Your Japaneasy cabana girl is standing at the bar in the Mirage pool area in Las Vegas Nevada. See google earth rendering. Cheers, Ron

Hey Ernie, The pool cabana is at the Bare Intimate Pool, Las Vegas. The Tower in the background is part of Caesar's Palace, so I first thought they were at Venus Pool Club, But the foreground didn't match up. I looked on the other side, and there was the Mirages's Bare Top Optional Pool Lounge. Keep 'em coming, Tim

Ernie: Caesars Palace was pretty easy to recognize - the question was which one the Caesars Towers is it. And then, of course, where was there a pool oriented such that Caesars tower would be where it is in the picture. After spending too much time, and making the rookie mistake of ignoring her being topless, the only thing that makes sense to me is the pool in this link. The fact that the pool is named "BARE" and is topless optional makes me hope it's the right place. Martov

So here is an honest to goodness photo challenge. I picked this photo, and hell if I can find the original gallery again, because I was hoping other photos from the set yield might enough clues to track down what marina/hotel she's staying at. But I'm shit out of luck, so I dunno.

Sure, you're happy with your car now, but what about after the inevitable collapse of civilization? For one thing, you're gonna have a hard time finding gas for it once that happens -- you already know that if you saw Mad Max -- and that's really only one of your problems. With Immortus, you'll be cruising the post-apocalyptic landscape looking for food and escaping packs of cannibal mutants with only the power of the sun keeping the engine revving.

Established in 1564, Svijany Brewery is one of the oldest Czech breweries. The first mention of Svijany dates from 1345, when the village was owned by a Cistercian monastery located in Mnichovo Hradiste. In 1565 the village became the property of Jaroslav of Vartemberk, who built a fortress there, but the brewery was already operating by 1564, and it continued to operate to the benefit of Jaroslav's estate. Upon Jaroslav's death in 1602, the village, fortress, and brewery all passed to Jachym Ondrej Slik. As a rebel against Habsburg rule of Bohemia, he was executed in 1621, and Svijany came under control of the Wallenstein family through 1814. In 1820, Svijany passed to control of the Rohan family. In 1945 the brewery was confiscated and nationalized as part of the state-owned North Bohemian Breweries, which was dissolved in 1990, at which point Svijany became part of the state-owned Breweries of Vratislavice nad Nisou. Later threatened with closure due to a sales crisis, Svijany was sold to the newly established Pivovar Svijany in 1998.

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May 2, 2016

Here Lies Lester Moore. Four Slugs from a 44. No Les, No More.

Proper aquarium lighting is essential to fish and aquatic plants; it brings an aquarium to life. Native tropical fish and plants live within 23 degrees of the equator and experience about 12 hours of light and darkness. To recreate tropical conditions, leave the aquarium light on for 12 hours a day. Some tropical fish, such as the elephant nose fish, prefer dim lighting, and so if they're included, provide them with plenty of hiding spaces. Tropical plants add beauty, color and often become food supplements for fish. They thrive in proper lighting, producing oxygen and remove harmful waste products.

JaMarcus Trenell Russell is a former American football quarterback. He played college football at LSU, where he finished 21–4 as a starter and was named MVP of the 2007 Sugar Bowl. The Oakland Raiders selected Russell with the first overall pick of the 2007 NFL Draft, and Russell held out until the Raiders signed him to a contract worth $61 million with $32 million guaranteed. A tremendous disappointment, Russell only played three seasons with the Raiders, compiling 7–18 record as a starter. Due to his inconsistent play, the Raiders released him in May of 2010, and Russell has the distinction of heading the list of NFL draft busts this century, and recently wrote to Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys, offering to be their waterboy and play for free.

A radome -- a portmanteau of radar and dome -- is a structural, weatherproof enclosure that protects a microwave antenna. The radome is constructed of material that minimally attenuates the electromagnetic signal transmitted or received by the antenna. In other words, the radome is transparent to radar or radio waves. Radomes protect the antenna surfaces from weather and conceal antenna electronic equipment from public view. They also protect nearby personnel from being accidentally struck by quickly rotating antennas.

Cartography is the study and practice of making maps. Combining science, aesthetics, and technique, cartography builds on the premise that reality can be modeled in ways that communicate spatial information effectively. Tell me, what area is this a cartograph of?

Not what I was hoping for. This is false advertising. Peter.

Hi Ernie, She is drinking a watermelon flavored Bacardi Breezer. Keep'em coming. Mark

That would be Bacardi that makes that Breezer "A refreshing Blend of Bacardi White Rum and tropical Watermelon - perfect for those long Summer Nights." Rick

The Po Man Grill is more value, more flavor, more meat and less fancy pants. It is perfectly portable, simple to set up, cheap to operate on plain charcoal and rubbing alcohol. It has a patented design for maximum flavor with minimal hassle and huge capacity. Also, it looks like a trash can and tastes better than an egg, so it will be the conversation piece of your next bbq. Po Man makes meals fit for millionaires, it is simple to use and holds more meat than you can shake a skewer at.

Grilling gives yellow potatoes a crispy skin that enhances the dense flesh, creating a slightly sweet caramelized flavor. The creamy texture and golden color of yellow potatoes mean you can use less or no butter for lighter, healthier dishes. The naturally smooth and buttery texture also lends itself well to lighter versions of baked, roasted or mashed potatoes. Simmer yellow potatoes until fully cooked, then drain, chill, peel and gently slice into flat discs. Brown these in oil or clarified butter and serve as a side or appetizer topped with sour cream and chives or other garnishes.

Oh and do me a favor, find this white bench before you go.


April 30, 2016

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

your weekend boob dump: one - two - three - four - five - six - seven - eight - nine - ten - eleven - twelve - thirteen


April 29, 2016

April Showers Bring May Flowers? Not In Florida, It's Still The Dry Season.

I learned the difference between a cross and a crucifix today. A cross is simply the t-shaped instrument that was used for crucifixion which now, bears more of a symbol of triumph for Christians. A crucifix however, is any image of that same cross with Jesus' body -- known as the corpus -- depicted on it. Catholics are free to wear either and to have either on display in their churches although most Catholic Churches would choose to have a crucifix on display, while many Protestant churches opt for the cross.

Dracaena marginata is an attractive, stiff-leaved plant with colorful foliage that sometimes goes by the name dragon tree. Most of the time, though, it's sold simply as "Dracaena marginata" or just "Dracaena." These are tough, drought-tolerant plants with aggressive root systems that make excellent houseplants, as they are a little more forgiving than some of the other dracaena. It helps that they're attractive and varied. They are sometimes grown as single-stemmed plants; other times grouped or even braided together in the same pot.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker -- the creators of South Park -- troll Tom Brady via instagram after his suspension was suspension reinstated.

A colander is a bowl-shaped kitchen utensil with holes in it used for draining food such as pasta or rice. A colander can also be used to rinse vegetables. The perforated nature of the colander allows liquid to drain through while retaining the solids inside. Conventionally, colanders are made of a light metal, such as aluminium or thinly rolled stainless steel. Modern colanders are also made of plastic, silicone, ceramic, and enamelware. Oh, and while I have your attention, see if you can tell me what brand of dishsoap she's using?

Oh, and find me this public fountain. Need a hint? Think the Big Apple.

The people are getting in line at the fisherman's bastion in Budapest, Hungary. -Brian (Long time reader, first time responder)

Hi Ernie. It's Kim at Zippia! Today, we published a fun and interesting graph that explains which college majors have the biggest (and smallest) vocabulary ranges. We accomplished this by scraping the data from more than two million resumes to see the number of unique words used by college graduates, sorted by the majors they chose. Here's the interesting data. We thought it might make an interesting story for your publication. I'd love to answer any questions you might have. Take care,Kim

We humans we create, we work, we stay busy from birth to death and never rest. We build, aim higher, work harder, accomplish more, and to what end? "Balance" takes an abstract look at our modern world, the full and the empty spaces and time in which we live and choose to make our lives.

FRIDAY FLICK: "We never dealt with domestic. With us, it was always war. We won the war. Now we're fighting the peace. It's a lot more volatile. Now we've got ten million crackpots out there with sniper scopes, sarin gas and C-4. Ten-year-olds go on the Net, downloading encryption we can barely break, not to mention instructions on how to make a low-yield nuclear device. Privacy's been dead for years because we can't risk it. The only privacy that's left is the inside of your head. Maybe that's enough. You think we're the enemy of democracy, you and I? I think we're democracy's last hope."

Side note? We are not a fucking democracy. We are a fucking republic; a constitutional republic, to be more precise. And I know I've posted this before but everyone should invest a few minutes out of your lunch to rewatch The John Birch Society's most popular and widely distributed presentation; specifically what they have to say regarding the American form of government. You're going to want to pay very close attention around the 17 minute mark. See you at the circus.


April 28, 2016

We Have a Myriad Of Challenges Today. Two Products, And One Google Maps.

Even where a community pool does not include lifeguards, associations should ensure that they have, at a minimum, the safety and first aid equipment required by the regulations, including a life ring and rescue pole. Specifically, there must be present at the community pool a 17-inch minimum diameter life ring with 3/16-inch diameter throw rope attached. The rope should be at least as long as the pool is wide. Also, there must be a rescue pole, measuring a minimum of 12 feet fixed length with a permanently attached body hook. A shorter pole is permissible for spas so long as it is long enough to facilitate rescue.

Chex Mix is a type of snack mix that includes Chex breakfast cereal (sold by General Mills) as a major component. There are commercially sold pre-made varieties of Chex Mix, as well as many recipes for homemade Chex Mix. Though contents vary, the mixes generally include an assortment of Chex cereals, chips, hard breadsticks, pretzels, nuts or crackers. Chex Mix Traditional contains 60% less fat than regular potato chips. In total, General Mills produces 13 varieties of Chex mixes, not including limited editions.

Black dude watches a hockey game for the first time, live Tweets it, and instantly becomes an internet sensation.

There are a very limited number of rotary-open mobile phones have actually come to market. In fact, I can only think of six that were available here in the US market, although I'm sure there are a few others on the European market. Your goal is to figure out which model she brought to the beach.

This AIM Sports discreet pistol bag is eEasy carrying, smart storage! Holds your favorite two handguns side by side, separated by padding to keep each piece safe from dings and scratches. All the room you need for your shooting essentials, perfect for self-defense class or other handgun training. Added bonus: it's only $8.99 shipped. Available in black, field dark earth, or green.

Hey Ernie, your Slim, Fit & Happy magazine cover is the December 2015 issue of Women's Health featuring Reese Witherspoon. I found it by googling "Slim fit & Happy magazine cover" from there I noticed Women's Health had pretty much the same format for most of their magazines. So another google image search of "Women's Health Covers" got me to Reese's issue. The tricky part was it's the South Africa edition of the magazine. Thanks man! Shane

Hey Ernie, the magazine that the sexy young sunbather is reading would be the December 2015 issue of Womens Health [South Africa] with Reese Witherspoon on the cover. Keep up the good work my friend, NorCal Jeff

High school choir students sing the U.S. National anthem in a high-rise hotel. Each night before curfew, they gather on their balconies to sing the Star-Spangled Banner from the balconies of the 18-story atrium at Louisville's downtown Hyatt Regency as part of the Kentucky Music Educators convention. You can't help it but get goose bumps when you hear them sing. R Watson

So this drug-related mass murder in Ohio. Crazy Oliver Stone type shit, yes? Because of the sheer brutality of what happened -- a mother was shot and killed while laying next to her four-DAY old baby -- I actually wondered if the Mexican cartels were involved. Anyway, after determining that other family members may still be at risk of being targeted, what was his advice to them? Seek police Protection? Move out of the area? Nope. His advice was for those family members to arm themselves and take an active role in their own safety.

Easy Peasey, Japanesey: what did she drink to stay hydrated at the beach. Not quite so Japanesey: find this cabana.

Writing his 1995 book Death in Yellowstone, park historical archivist Lee H. Whittlesey sifted through National Park Service records to identify nineteen human fatalities from falling into thermal features. The victims include seven young children who slipped away from parents, teenagers who fell through thin surface crust, fishermen who inadvertently stepped into hot springs near Yellowstone Lake, and park concession employees who illegally took hot pot swims in thermal pools.


April 27, 2016

On This Day In 1953, Classy Freddie Blassie Coined The Term "Pencil Neck Geek"

The Nintendo DS's charge port looks a lot like a mini USB plug. In fact, it really is, just modified a bit. One enterprising hacker decided he'd make his DS USB-compatible. And although it seems to have been a relatively straightforward operation, I question the practicality of it when there are USB charge cables for the DS for $4. The instructions are here, but he's careful to warn readers that this is really more of an experiment than something that everyone should be doing. Still, it'd be one less cable to carry around with you.

Unlike other traditional lights which require bundles of cables and drain a lot of power, LED lights are much simpler to use and easy to install. The cluster of these miniature size lights are fixtures made in such an efficient way that they are capable of illuminating any area of your choice. LED strip lights are in the form of a long run cable that have LEDs mounted in it. This row of LEDs are often used to illuminate sides, boundaries and edges of windows, decks, pools and many similar objects. LED light fixtures have a cluster of LEDs enclosed in one unit. They provide adjustable angle and directed lighting with high lumen rating. They can be fitted beneath a cabinet, underwater pool surface and roof top application.

SAY HELLO TO HIS LITTLE FRIEND: Brian De Palma may very well be the greatest living movie director, having lent unparalleled style and richness to movies like Scarface, Blow Out, Body Double, and a shit ton more. So a documentary about the man and his films is a huge deal, and now we have the simply-titled De Palma and a trailer for same.

As you might, expect, I'm a beer guy. My tastes run to heavy stouts and porters -- my saying is 'I like a beer I can chew' -- but every once in a while I like to dip my toes on the crazy end of the pool and see what's out there. So while I'm not usually a winecooler/malt beverage kind of guy, this just looks delicious. Maybe it's just the sun and the beach talking, but does anyone have any idea what it is, besides watermelon flavor?

Ernie,The busty young lady is probably at Maxferd Jewelry to borrow some money to buy new nipple rings. Josh

Ernie: The collateral lender, INC runs a number of different shops. The one you're looking for is in Woodland Hills, CA. Here it is on Street View: looks like the 7/11 moved to greener pastures. Here is a link to their other locations. Martov

If you would like Luna Kitsuen to lend you her amazing tits, you need to head to Los Angeles and visit Maxferd Jewelry and Loan. And here is the full gallery as well. Cameron

Just because someone's a professional athlete doesn't mean they can't still really geek out over the sixth season of Game of Thrones, which kicked off with the season premiere last night. The SF Giants' Hunter Pence went all-out to throw a Game of Thrones viewing party that included some awesome decorations and what appears to be period-specific foods like cheese, bread, crackers, and meat.

Oh, and these people seem to be lining up for something. Can you show me where, I so I can get in line, too?

Born in 1868, Charles Rennie Mackintosh was a Scottish architect, designer, water colorist, artist, and designer in the Post-Impressionist movement and also the best known representative of Art Nouveau in the United Kingdom. By 1923, the Mackintoshes had moved to Port-Vendres, a Mediterranean coastal town in southern France with a warm climate that was a comparably cheaper location in which to live. Mackintosh had entirely abandoned architecture and design and concentrated on watercolor painting. Many of his paintings depict Port Vendres, a small port near the Spanish border, and the landscapes of Roussillon.

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