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Ernie's House of Whoop Ass!
April 28, 2015

Hey Everybody, We're All Gonna Get Laid.

Perhaps you already know that you aren't supposed to ride against traffic on a bicycle, but do you know the reason behind the rule? By riding against traffic, you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation and reducing the odds that you will be seen by motorists. When you ride against traffic, you increase the speed of a potential crash, and faster crashes are deadlier crashes. Traveling in the same direction as traffic reduces the speed of a potential crash. When drivers turn onto a one-way street, they may only look for traffic coming from one direction, and riding against traffic means turning motorists may not even look for you. Road signs and signals are oriented towards traffic traveling in the correct direction. So if you ride against traffic, you can't see the signs and signals.

The Xbox 360's original graphical user interface was the Xbox 360 Dashboard; a tabbed interface that featured five "Blades" (formerly four blades), and was designed by AKQA and Audiobrain. It could be launched automatically when the console booted without a disc in it, or when the disc tray was ejected, but the user had the option to select what the console does if a game is in the tray on start up, or if inserted when already on. A simplified version of it was also accessible at any time via the Xbox Guide button on the gamepad. This simplified version showed the user's gamercard, Xbox Live messages and friends list. It also allowed for personal and music settings, in addition to voice or video chats, or returning to the Xbox Dashboard from the game.

Which would you rather have to do: break into a store protected by these Koreans, or try to get the puck past Niklas Kronwall.

Hey Ernie, Very long time reader. You rock. It looks like the bag tags read PMI which is Palma Mallorca. The tags were issued by SAS -- Scandanavian Air System which do operate flights from Stockholm. I hope that helps. Keep making us laugh! Carl from Canada

Hey Ernie, those two girls must have flown into Palma de Mallorca (PMI), on Islas Baleares just south of Spain. The hint is the outlet next to the bed, looks like either a Type C or Type F. Mark

So The Boss Lady has really been riding my ass lately about salt. Now I don't put it on much, I've grown up most of my life without every picking up a salt shaker. But with some good maccaroni salad, many shake that shit! I'd like to grab some of this stuff in the white bottle, any idea what brand salt it is?

Every amateur model has a great figure, but some put the time in to sculpt their bodies to get the look they really want. Some like to compete professionally, while others who are just workout warriors who love having that hard body and tight abs. Here are some of the favorites.

Hi Ernie, You think you've had a bad day . . . this just happened, I think on the 25th. Cheers, Charley

The closest match I could find to those neon targets are these Champion Scorekeeper. Tim in Okla

Illustrative of Moore's Corollary to Poe's Law -- sarcasm must be clearly identified or the reader thinks your serious -- which states that any sufficiently advanced troll is nearly indistinguishable from a genuine fucking nutjob. As such, I can't decide if some of these body hacks are for realz, or examples of advanced level trolling.

Oh and check out the new 1911 handgun listings, available in various calibers.



April 27, 2015

Now You Know Why They Called Them Flying Fortresses.

The Boeing B-17G Flying Fortress named "Snake Hips" arrived at the 327th Bombing Squadron of the 92nd Bombing Group in February of 1944. It flew on operations continuously from then, surviving totally unscathed until the August 24th mission to Merseburg, when the bomber took a 88mm flak round hit directly in the bomb bay. Miraculously, the full load of bombs did not detonate, although ball turret gunner Sgt Gordon V Wescott was fatally wounded by the shell's explosion. Pilots 2Lt John Bosko and 2Lt Curt H Koehnert fought to keep the bomber aloft. On the way home the hydraulic system caught fire and burning fluid spread over the floor of the fuselage and the catwalk of the bomb bay. Engineer SSgt Peter W LaFleur tried to put the blaze out with a fire extinguisher, and when this ran dry, resorted to tearing the flaming insulation from the walls with his bare hands. The bombs were then jettisoned, but there were five hang-ups, and the crew knew that the damaged bombs could explode at any moment. Bombardier SSgt Jerome E Charbonneau, working perilously on the slippery, burning catwalk in the wide open bomb bay, directed the waist gunners and the the radio operator as they defused the bombs. Midway over the North Sea two engines died from fuel starvation, but the crippled bomber finally made it to Suffolk, England where Bosko ordered the crew to bail out. He couldn't leave the controls himself because the plane was so badly damaged that it would have fallen out of the sky the moment he released the controls. Bosko Eventually succeeded in landing one of the most badly-damaged B-17s to make it back to the Allied territory.

If I were to form a sentence that includes the words: "Mount Everest" and "avalanche", you pretty much know things are not going to end well for someone. So if if you'd like to know what it was like at the Mount Everest basecamp when the avalanche happened, here's your answer.

Welts are bumps in the skin that are caused by a fluid buildup directly below the surface of the skin. Depending on the cause, a welt may be a sign of a serious problem, or it may be something which will resolve on its own, given enough time. When welts are a sign of a medical problem, they are usually accompanied by other symptoms which provide clues to the problem. Physical trauma such as a blow can cause a welt, and welts can also be caused by allergic reactions, infections, injections, insect bites, and skin reactions, in very sensitive people.

So I busted out the ol Marlin Model 60 this past weekend -- it's 1978 production so no pussy tube limit for me -- and did me some plinking up at Babcock/Webb outdoor range. I didn't have any reactive targets with me this time, just some old paper ones with black silouettes. Man was that a fucking mistake. Out at 50 yards -- which is far as I shoot .22s there, because its pretty windy and blows the rounds around pretty good -- I could barely see the tiny holed in that black paper. Had I used my head, I would have picked up some of these flourescent green and orange targets, which would have made visibility much better. Any idea who makes those and where I can pick some up?

Thought you might like this, Thailand's ladyboy army. Stickboy.

You knew this was coming after your Detroit Red Wings suck comment. I'm sure I'm not the only one sending you this updated information on how far behind the older Bruins organization lags the newer Winged Wheels teams. Detroit was awarded an NHL franchise in 1926. The Bruins have won six Stanley Cup championships. The team has been in existence since 1924. As of 2014, the Red Wings have won the most Stanley Cup championships (11) of any NHL franchise based in the United States, and are third overall in total NHL championships. They have made the playoffs in 28 of the last 30 seasons; their playoff streak currently stands at 24 in a row (1991–2015), which is the longest current streak of post-season appearances in all of North American professional sports. Jon

Bought directly from Hewlett-Packard, the HP Deskjet 3940 Color Inkjet Printer and two ink cartridges cost $49.99. If you purchase a set of those cartridges separately, and eventually, you will, they will run you $29.99. That means the printer itself only costs about $20. How good a printer do you get for $20? A surprisingly good one, ideal for extremely light-duty use such as printing a few pages of homework a few times a week plus the occasional photo. The HP Deskjet 3940 is relatively small, so it will fit just about anywhere. As you might expect at this price, it has a limited set of features, but this makes setup easy.

Stephen "The Rifleman" Flemmi was Whitey Bulger's partner and key lieutenant during Bulger's reign as the leader of the Winter Hill Gang. Flemmi was a key witness against Bulger, who was convicted of a string of crimes including 19 murders. Those victims include Flemmi's stepdaughter Deborah Hussey. Flemmi began a relationship with her mother, Marion Hussey, when Deborah was 2, he told the court. Reluctantly, Flemmi admitted Deborah Hussey called him Daddy, that he had read her stories and had driven her to school. But in January 1985, when Hussey was 26, she took the last ride of her life with her stepfather. "Did you drive your daughter to her death?" Bulger defense attorney Hank Brennan asked Flemmi. "I drove her to the location, yes," Flemmi answered. Brennan asked him about the ride to the house where, Flemmi told the court, Whitey Bulger looped a rope around her neck, tied a stick to the rope and twisted it until she choked to death. Then Flemmi got on his knees and pulled out her teeth to prevent her being identified.

I'm sorry but is ... is... is that a loaf of bread?

Hey Ernie. I am pretty sure the coffee she spilled is Nescafe Gold Blend. You can get it on Amazon for 15 bucks. That is an expensive cuppa Joe. Eric R

Big Ern! Found the coffee in record time, google image search "Instant Coffee with Gold Lid" and Nescafe Gold shows up. Mark

I couldn't find an image of the back of one, but I'm willing to bet the girl drinking coffee in the nude prefers Nescafe Gold. Cameron

Well these two girls look all tuckered out, but I can't quite figure out where they've spending their spring break. As best I can tell, the airport code on their luggage reads PMT which is Paramakotoi Airport in fucking Guyana, which isn't a country exactly known for their tourism.

Here are 15 of the best low-spec games to play on your old or outdated machine or laptop. You don't need a beefy, top-of-the-line PC to run any of these titles -- when I say low-spec games like Half-Life 2 -- I'm talking Windows XP with 1Ghz processor and 1Gb of RAM kind of low-spec.

Your bird's environment is very important, and though it seems as though what's inside his cage would be more so, it is just as important to find the right location in your house for your birdcage. This location is an integral part of your bird's environment and daily life and a healthy bird must live in a well-placed cage. Birds need at least one side of their cage up against a wall, as it provides them with a feeling of security. The ideal placement is in a corner where they can have two walls. Additionally, you shouldn't put your bird's cage directly in front of a window, as outside factors like dogs, hawks, and storms will scare them.


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April 25, 2015

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

ladies and gentlemen, may i present the xm42: world's first commercially available handheld flamethrower

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April 24, 2015

No One Knows What it's Like To Be The Saad Maan. Well, Except Him.

IMPORTANT SHIT: There is a reason that one of the most important rules of firearm safety is to keep your gun pointed in a safe direction at all times. This is true whether the gun is unloaded, your finger is off the trigger, or if the safety is on. Sometimes, it's especially true if you think your safety is activated. A viral video uploaded to YouTube last Friday has quickly garnered more than 800,000 views, along with raising a fair bit of concern for shotgun owners. The gun owner demonstrates a rare and extremely hazardous malfunction for the Winchester SXP shotgun. Winchester immediately addressed the issue by stating that a small number of SXP shotguns may be prone to this type of all malfunction, and to be safe, has issued a recall on all SXP models that are affected. This includes the SXP Waterfowl Hunter, Black Shadow, Turkey Hunter, and Long Beard. All recalled models are in 12 gauge with a 3 1/2-inch chamber with barrel lengths ranging from 24 to 28 inches. SO IF YOU OWN ONE, GET THAT SHIT FIXED PRONTO.

Billabong International Limited is a surf company, primarily a clothing retailer that also produces accessories, like watches and backpacks and skateboard and snowboard products under other brand-names. Founded in 1973 by Gordon and Rena Merchant, the company first traded on the Australian Securities Exchange on 11 August 2000. The name "billabong" is derived from the Wiradjuri word "bilaba?" that refers to a "creek that runs only during the rainy season". As of September 2013, Von Zipper, and Element are two of the prominent brands that Billabong owns.

If they were to make a movie out of the upcoming Mayweather-Pacquiao fight, it would probably be Gone in 60 Seconds. Seriously. The entire fucking fight, the entire fucking MGM Grand Garden Arena with its seating capacity of 16,800, completely sold out in under one minute flat.

Yellow Submarine is a 1968 British animated musical fantasy comedy film inspired by the music of the Beatles. The film was directed by animation producer George Dunning, and produced by United Artists and King Features Syndicate. Initial press reports stated that the Beatles themselves would provide their own character voices; however, aside from composing and performing the songs, the real Beatles participated only in the closing scene of the film, while their cartoon counterparts were voiced by other actors. Yellow Submarine received a widely positive reception from critics and audiences alike. It is also credited with bringing more interest in animation as a serious art form.

This was painted by a friend of mine. If you think it worthy, would you please share it on EHOWA? Thanks! Jan

Hey Ernie, The movie is "Coming Soon" from 1999. If you check the IMDB link, the four people listed on the screen are about 2/3 of the way down. Scott

The Son of Man is a 1964 painting by the Belgian surrealist painter René Magritte. Magritte painted it as a self-portrait. The painting consists of a man in an overcoat and a bowler hat standing in front of a low wall, beyond which is the sea and a cloudy sky. The man's face is largely obscured by a hovering green apple. However, the man's eyes can be seen peeking over the edge of the apple. Another subtle feature is that the man's left arm appears to bend backwards at the elbow.

Heading to the City of Angels in the near future and don't want to stay at a chain hotel? Consider a night in Kurt Cobain's old apartment for $290/night.

Nivea is a global skin- and body-care brand that is owned by the German company Beiersdorf. The company was founded on March 28, 1882, by pharmacist Carl Paul Beiersdorf. In 1900, the new owner Oskar Troplowitz developed a water-in-oil emulsion as a skin cream with Eucerit, the first stable emulsion of its kind. This was the basis for Eucerin and later, Nivea; stemming from the Latin word niveus/nivea/niveum, meaning 'snow-white'. During the 1930s, Beiersdorf began producing such products as tanning oils, shaving creams, shampoo and facial toners. The trademark "Nivea" was expropriated in many countries following World War II. Beiersdorf completed buying back the confiscated trademark rights in 1997.

Not sure if true, but hilariously funny regardless. "Hillary furious as thousands of Americans send cigars to her office" Jon

Well Ernie I'm about 99% positive that the car behind Tit's McGee is a 1998 Mazda Protege... Daniel

YJust so we're clear, I think Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is a fucking cunt.

Bliss is the name of the default computer wallpaper of Microsoft's Windows XP operating system. Former National Geographic photographer Charles O'Rear, a resident of the nearby Napa Valley, took the photo on film with a medium-format camera while on his way to visit his girlfriend in 1996. It is an image of a rolling green hill, a blue sky with cumulus and cirrus clouds. The landscape depicted is in the Los Carneros American Viticultural Area of Sonoma County, California, United States. While it was widely believed later that the image was digitally manipulated or even created with software such as Adobe Photoshop, O'Rear says it never was.


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