E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
At 06:56 PM 5/15/2003, "Chuck Francis" email@example.com wrote:
At 07:01 PM 5/15/2003, "Ernie" wrote:
You're 17 (inexperienced driver)
You're driving at 60% OVER the speed limit.
That makes you...a fucking idiot.
At 0854 AM 5/19/2003, "Chuck Francis" firstname.lastname@example.org wrote:
This is Chris' dad... ... ... thank you for the profane answer you gave my son! You are certainly a role model that I will encourage him not to make further contact with. He emailed you in good faith and all you did was use profanity ... thanks a lot!
xxxxx Clement Drive
Waynesville, NC 28786
I ran out of good toilet paper this morning. Which doesn't mean much at first, until you realize that means I had to resort to a roll of the cheap stuff, something I normally reserve for camping. So anyway, I'm vigorously wiping my ass after a particularly mystical bowel movement and wouldn't you know it, my thumb pushes through the cheap toilet paper. So there I am, standing there completely dumbfounded, with my thumb up my ass. And then it occurs to me, "Hey this is kind of how Chuck is with parenting!"
Because you see Chuck, what I'm kind of shocked by is with all the drama surrounding your stupid ass sons right now, you choose to focus on an email with the word "fucking" in it. Because that's certainly the best place to focus your energies as a parent right now, huh?
Since you're too fucking stupid to do it on your own, I'll help you take a closer look at just how close your sprogs came to cleansing themselves from the gene pool. Which wouldn't upset me in the least mind you, I just like proving I can do math in my head. In the interest of not getting you too confused, I'll refer to your 19 year old son as "Dumb Shit #1" and the younger 17 year old as "Dumb Shit #2" -- both of which are inexperienced drivers I'd like to remind you. Let's watch a movie together, Chuck. I call it The DumbShits Reloaded.
[Camera pans down to an open highway in North Carolina. It is sunny outside. A crow eating road kill looks up and seeing two cars racing closer in the distance. The crow flies off as the cars near.]
Dumb Shit #1: "Man this is cool! Look at me, I'm speeding! I'm cool!"
[Camera cuts to the right front tire and then freezes frame, we can see the tire not only is bald but has a large bulge starting to form in the outer sidewall]
Dumb Shit #1: "Man, I am sooo cool!"
[Camera zooms backwards in bullet time to Dumb Shit #2's car, looking at him through the windshield. We can't hear him but can read his lips:]
Dumb Shit #2: "Wow, my brother is so cool! I want to drive faster so I can be cool just like him!" [Camera cuts first to the speedometer of Dumb Shit #2's car, the needle is wobbling just past "95", and then cuts to a "Speed limit 60" sign on the side of the road. The sign has bullet holes from drunken rednecks, and flies up into the wind as the two speeding cars zoom past. We can see the cars are very close together.]
[Camera angle - center of the road about 1000 feet in front of Dumb Shit #1's car facing towards them. A deer streaks in from camera left.]
Dumb Shit #1: "Man I am so coo...hey a d-d-d-d-d-d-deer!"
[Camera cuts to Dumb Shit #1 stomping on the brake pedal and pulls wheel to the left. Camera goes bullet time back to the front right tire and again freezes only this time capturing the exact moment the tire explodes.]
[Back to head on camera angle. We see Dumb Shit #1's car start to fishtail to camera left.]
[Tire camera angle. Bullet time. We see the tire slowly shreds itself, as the now flaccid tire cannot support the car's weight anymore. The steel rim cuts into the soft asphalt warmed by the noonday sun. In the background we start to see a thin line of sunlight grow between the road and the driver's tires as that side of the car begins to lift off the ground.]
[Camera cuts back to Dumb Shit #1]
Dumb Shit #1: "All I wanted to do was be cool!"
[Camera cuts to view from Dumb Shit #2, we see Dumb Shit #1's car begin to barrel roll down the highway, pieces of his piece of shit car flying off in every direction.]
Dumb Shit #2: "He's okay, he's right side up. No he's not. Yes he is. No he's not. Yes he is..."
[Dumb Shit #1's car finally lands on its roof and begins sliding down the highway. Dumb Shit #2 also stomps on his brake pedal but by the time he realizes he's traveling at 141 feet per second and he's only 50 feet from the wreckage in front of him, he can't possibly react in the 1/3 of a second he has limited himself to by tailgating at such a high rate of speed. Impact is now inevitable.]
[Camera angle from side of road, Dumb Shit #1's car is on its roof on the left side of the camera angle. Bullet time. Dumb Shit #2's car enters from the right and impacts directly into the driver side door of the overturned car. The front end of the right car devours into the side of the left like a crack whore in a soup kitchen. The moment before impact, both Dumb Shits exchange horrified looks and mumble the same thing:]
Dumb Shits: "Man I wish dad had taught us to be responsible drivers!"
[Camera fades to black as we hear sound of impact: shrieking metal, crunching plastic, shattering glass, squealing tires.]
[Camera fades in from black and focuses on smoking, steaming wreckage of an unidentifiable car, which seems to have been impacted from the side. Zooms in on red mass, which as we get closer can recognize to be the driver. He is dead. His skull is smashed open. It is -- not surprisingly -- fucking empty, because he's a Dumb Shit. Fade out to black.]
[Camera fades in from black and focuses on another wrecked vehicle. The body of the driver has been flung halfway through the windshield and is laying half on the hood. Blood flows freely from an open wound. As camera gets closer we see the driver had no lower jaw since it was torn off when he impacted the steering wheel at 96mph.]
[Camera cuts to the mirrored sunglasses of a North Carolina State Trooper. He has powered sugar in the corner of his mouth. Pan camera down to radar gun whish is flashing "96". He walks up to the driver lying on the hood and using his finger, flicks the skull. An empty echo sound is heard.]
Trooper: Hmmm, empty. Must be a Dumb Shit.
[Camera fades to back.]
See Chuck that's how things could have turned out. In fact they would have if I were The Architect. But alas, I'm just some guy on the internet whom I don't mind telling you, if I had come to my father at age 17 with a 96mph speeding ticket, I'd still be trying to fish the car keys out of my ass.
Let's not focus on the fact that both of your kids were driving well beyond their means. Let's not focus on the fact that one already has a history of driving like a fucking asshole, and the second is well on his way. Let's not focus on the fact that unless you as a parent intervene, you're probably going to have to scrape these two assholes off the pavement one of these days. Let's not focus on the fact that the younger of these two isn't looking to take responsibility for driving like an asshole, but instead looking for a way to weasel out of it.
No, let's focus on the fact that I like to use the word "fuck" because hey that's what's really important there, right?
The birth of your sons marked the death of self-responsibility. But if the reverse is true, I'll wager it won't be too long before the latter is reborn.
Your kids are fucking stupid, and after reading your letter, I think I know where they got it.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful; hate me because I'm right.
Ernie "The Hammer" Corleone
Trooper, State of Confusion
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