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KoolMoFo wrote:

Mr. Ernie,

Your suck ass web page was referred to me about two weeks ago by some co-workers. During this period, your trial period to make me laugh, I have found not even a shread of "humor"! The one thing that is funny is the fact that some people viewing find it "offensive". Your shit is WEAK!!!! Better suited for PBS! There may be one person on this planet that might of found it offensive, Mother Teresa. And her dead ass doesn't give a shit anymore. These two weeks have brought me nothing but misery. You SUCK! I was often overwhelmed by the stench of cum barrelling through my modem everytime I connected to your site. Your sperm-burping ass is very, very, far from funny. I have heard people refer to you as the "Godfather", "Equilizer", etc. That also makes me laugh, momma's boy. Here's a joke for you.

You sucking my DICK!!!!!!

Game On! Geek Boy

PS-I have taken Bert hostage, pictures to follow!!!!!!!!

Ernie wrote:

Because I'm in a merciful mood today, I've got an idea that I'd like to share with you. I'll allow these comments to pass unretaliated providing you...

1. Apologize
2. Acknowledge my site as "kick ass"
3. Pledge your undying devotion to me and my family

Don't make me embarrass you on Friday.

Ernie

KoolMoFo wrote:

Dickbreath,

I live for squashing dorks like you. Ladies first, bash away I want you to address this on Friday, so that everyone sees that you aren't shit when you receive my reply after the dreaded "Flaming Friday"!!

Game On!

Okay folks, since I'm in such a pissed off mood today (Opie and Anthony got FIRED yesterday), I'm going to deal with this today as opposed to the usual Flamin Friday.

Everybody is just so fucking brave when they hide behind an "anonymous" hotmail account. Nobody has the balls to send something like this from their REAL account. But since its so blatantly fucking apparent that this person is trying to lure me into a little flame war so that he can make a feeble attempt at being popular around the office, that's exactly what I'm going to give him. Only I'm gonna put an extra special "Ernie Twist" on things. So without further a do...

Well Jeff Robinson, You worthless fuck, pay attention.

Here's a fucking tip. At the bottom of any hotmail, there's the banner "...Get Your Private, Free Email at hotmail.com..." Well, much like your wife and daughter, fucking one out of two ain't bad. Free, yes. Private, no. You see my soon-to-be-throttled-from-across-the-water friend, hotmail (Like ALL the free e-mail utilities) included the ORIGINATING TCPIP address of the sender. Resourceful little fellows such as myself can use this much to our advantage.

"Well Ernie, since I'm just a stupid fuck from Spain, and my vision is being impaired by the walls of my rectum, why don't you tell me what you can do."

You betcha. It means that I click on this "Show Headers" button and get, among the following info...

X-Originating-IP [195.5.77.136]

So, then I go to "Start", "Programs", "Internet Utilities", "Death and Destruction", "Oh I'm gonna kick his ass", "Your fucking days are numbered", and then the "Reverse DNS Utility". Pop in the IP address, and after a few seconds...presto. I have your REAL e-mail address... [xxxxxxxxxxxxxx@arakkis.es]

".es" is the domain for Spain, for those of you wondering.

Well, that was sure fucking tough, eh? While you don't have the distinct honor of being the FIRST international flame, you do have the honor of being the first person international PUNT from the fucking list, since the other was an unsubscribe. But keep your chin up, I'll try to make this experience as memorable for you as possible.

First off, let's take a look at your subscribe which arrived, ironically, a few weeks ago (thanks for telling me where to look)...

E-mail=[repenter's e-mail address deleted]
Age=38
Gender=male
Location=Spain
Joke=I can never remember jokes when I'm sober, sorry!

Well how nice. You see, I have a special team of people already assembled for such events. My "Spanish Person Emergency Response Men" -- hereby referred to as SPERM -- were trained specially for the task of retrieving poor Bert from a foreign hostage situation. Picture the scene...

"...Its a dark and stormy night. Off in the distance you can hear the cries of Bert...chained to the walls in the inner corridors of an ancient Spanish castle. The fat overweight terrorist leader JEFF ROBINSON smiles as his leather crop crashes down on Bert's tender skin once again. Lost in his maniacial laughter, Jeff guzzles yet another bad European beer. Outside, lightening cracks on the horizon. In the split second of clear vision, the guards on the watchtower are too busy comparing their genital warts and don't see the dark and stealthy figures creeping up in the shadows. A quick lunge. A flash of a knife. A brief struggle. The sound of the falling guard's body is muffled by the roll of thunder off in the distance. The SPERM commander has made his first kill of the evening. He whispers into his headset, "Blue leader to Hammer, we are in."

Deep in the inner bowels of the fortress, Jeff has stripped off his baby blue leisure suit and now stands in his skidmark stained underwear, looming over the bruised and shaking Bert. Jeff, has a banana in his hand. "I'm gonna make you pay for stealing my homosexual lover!" he cries out, "I'm gonna make you pay!" He begins to stoop down towards Bert, holding the banana out like a phalic probe...

CRASH!

The door to the inner sanctum bursts open and the dark clothed men of the SPERM team fill the room in a flash. The torches that light the room flicker in the sudden rush of cold, damp air. Jeff is caught off guard, he stumbles backwards in surprise. "This can't be happening!" he thinks to himself. Bert, in a last ditch effort to defend himself, reaches out and grasps the stretched out waistband of Jeff underwear and holds firm. Jeff's stumbling continues.. the weight of his enoumous fat ass works against him and he tumbles to the ground like a big sack of dogshit. His underwear tears free. In an instant, the SPERM commandos are on him, thrusting their automatic weapons in his face.

"Freeze!" the SPERM commander demands!..."

Well Jeff, there you have it. Bert is free, and you've been found out. So, I leave you as I left my last date. Drunk, naked, ashamed, and with my all my SPERM in your face.

Hope you have a great day and have fun reading your e-mail.

Ernie "The Hammer",SPERM Team Coordinator

KoolMoFo wrote:

Oh most powerful one,
1.Your site is the greatest, it kicks ass!
2 . You are the master
3. UNCLE!!!!!!!!!

Well my friend did you know that you have totally destroyed the arrakis.es server, can we call this quits?

Joe "I ain't so kool" Mo Fo