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Mark Neal wrote:
I've been on your list for a couple of weeks now and out of the numerous jokes that have been sent, I had only a couple of laughs. Get this irony, now I read your disclaimer and your warning about your politically incorrect funny list, but now I'm unsubscribing because of your material! Some of the material isn't just politically incorrect, its plain sick (like the Tasteless Tuesday's New Sex Positions just received or the P-Files, etc.). It wastes my time to read this material. There should be atleast a trace of humor in the material to justify my time reading thru it. A warning label isn't a license to just be sick.
There are many people who can enjoy humor even when its politically incorrect, so, I suggest you focus more on humor than on being offensive and you'll get more laughs.
Regards,
Mark
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Hi Mark,
The fact that you only were able to laugh at a few of my past jokes only goes to prove one thing. That your home life sucks so much and your outlook on life so dreary and forlorn, that you just can't laugh at absurd things. Is it the wife, Mark... she just not giving you the right action?? Hey you could use those new sex positions to spice things up, right??
See, I haven't even scratced the surface of being sick. Being sick would have included the "Baby Boom" into that posting. That of course is, "having such ferociously aggressive intercourse with a pregnant woman, so as to actually achieve anal penetration into your unborn son or daughter. Bonus points if your newborn's first bowel movement contains your spent semen."
Another class act, eh??
Or being completely sick would have included http://www.meatspin.com in Website Wednesday.
And how the hell can you consider "The P-files" sick, you tightass?? All that consisted of are some random facts taken out of Encyclopedia Britannica and contrasted against day to day objects to draw comparison! Well let me draw another comparison for you. Johm Holmes fucking your wife would be like throwing a hotdog down a halllway!
No Mark, the extra warning I put on there wasn't a license to be sick. You know why? Because this is fucking America, and I don't need any fucking license to say whetever the fuck I want. To quote a great man,
Step 1: Get a copy of the Constitution.
Step 2: Go find your scissors.
Step 3: Cut out that silly little part labeled "Amendment I"
Step 4: Shove it up your ass!
Let me ask you this, my commie pinko friend...given the fact there was an extra warning on that Tasteless Tuesday, you read the whole thing, didn't you? Be honest, admit it. After the first two you were completely grossed out and more offended than you ever have been before...but you kept reading, didn't you. Couldn't put it down, eh?
This, my good man, is what you get for not READING THE FUCKING FOOTER in the first place.
Oh, and here's a bit of irony for you. You're an asshole.
-- Gettin' jiggy with it,
Ern Smith
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Mark Neal wrote:
Ern,
Reading your reply confirms that despite my suggestion, you still chose the offensive route vs the humor route. You had the perfectopportunity to let fly with some of your best humor to "set me straight" and maybe even convince me that I may be missing out by unsubscribing from your list, but instead the best you could come up with was obscene insults and a reference to the constitution. Your reply lacks originality, ie: attacks on family life and reference to the constitution which everyone makes when they've said or written something offensive.
Speaking of originality, I've even heard the Holmes joke before, only it was in reference to your mother. :)
Tell you what, since you think I'm such an asshole, I'll offer you a little hospitality to maybe change your mind, I live here in Tulsa OK, feel free to personally drop by and attempt to shove anything you like where ever you like. Look forward to meeting you.
Mark Neal
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Mr Kneel,
Wow, how coincidental? Reading your reply confirms that despite my suspicion, that you're still an asshole.
See again, your blatant illiteracy undermines even the most meager of your efforts at rebuttal. If you'll take careful notice, nowhere in my footer or website do I claim to be a "humorous joke list". Nay, I claim to be a "fucking funny list". Thus leaving the interpretation of "fucking funny" up to me, not you. Again, I draw your attention to the non-existant catch phrase, "We do it your way". This is my fucking list, and we do it MY way or we don't do it at all.
And while you certainly may enjoy complete strangers dropping by your home to insert foreign objects into your pimply ass, you'll understand if I humbly decline your most enticing offer. You see my rectally obsessed friend, I live all the way up here in Boston, and unlike you, am not so quick to resort to either the flying fists of death, nor the squirming
gerbils of pleasure.
"My reply lacked originality". Well now. There's something that I just can't live with, now can I? How can I sleep at night knowing there's some buck-toothed, inbred, rodent raising farmboy from Oklahoma who thinks I lack originality in my flames? However can I do it?
Well, I'll do my best, but before I go, I'd like to leave you with a little recipe of love I'd like you to try out...
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-- Feed one St Bernard 22oz of rancid chicken breasts.
-- Allow to marinate for 4-6 hours, depending upon elevation above sea level
-- Allow dog to excrete feces onto piece of aluminum foil approx 16"x16"
-- Season with your choice of spices, personally I prefer paprika & oregano
-- Place open package in sunny window for 15-20 minutes, or until crust is firm to the touch
-- Take one hundred tablets of Extra Strength Tylenol and grind into fine power
-- Sprinkle powder liberally over shitloaf...decorative patterns present a cozy atmosphere
-- Chill in refridgerator until guests arrive...serves 4-6
-- For an extra wow, wash down with 1/5 of Russian Vodka
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And I would think you'd have more respect for the Constitution, considering that McVeigh was probably on his way to your house, and was just too stupid to find his fucking way there. Oops, he must've been from Oklahoma too.
Cheers,
Iron Ernie Tyson
P.S. Here's yet another tidbit to show that I'm nowhere near as offensive as i could be... can you imagine what it would be like if I sent this to everyone??
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Grover was really bored, one day. Big Bird was collecting cans for the poor, and Oscar the Grouch was in one of his pissed-off moods again. So he decided to go over to Maria's house. "Hi, Maria!" Grover exclaimed as he entered. The sight he saw was one he would not soon forget.. Maria lay on the couch,wearing nothing but a pair of high-heeled shoes. She had one of her fingers deep inside her wet pussy, the digit probing and caressing her inner membranes. She looked up and saw Grover, and was startled; she had not expected any company. But a lewd grin soon replaced her initial look of apprehension; she invited Grover to join her on the couch. Now Grover, you see, was a virgin. He didn't ever admit it to any of the other Sesame Street gang, but he had never even felt a girl's tits. So you can imagine the wave of pleasure that swept over him. Without a word, Grover approached Maria, and crawled on top of her. Since muppets don't wear clothes, he didn't have to undress. He reached between his legs, an
Maria was experiencing a whole new world of pleasure, herself; she had never fucked a muppet before, and it proved to be an incredible experience. Grover soon exploded inside her, his warm fuzzy dick going off like a cannon deep within Maria. She screamed, as she was climaxing at the same time. She grabbed ahold of Grover's blue shoulders, and almost wept on his shoulder, so powerful was the experience. But Grover wasn't done yet. His furry member had gone soft, and he wanted it hard again. So he leaned over, and took one of Maria's pert breasts in his mouth. His plush tongue caressed and fondled the nipple, and Maria moaned at the pleasure of it. The nipple was very hard, and Grover was having a delightful time, tasting bare tit for the first time. Soon Maria decided it was her turn to have a little "taste" of the action. She shoved Grover off her tit, and bent down.
With both hands she grasped his monstrous cock, and began to stroke it, slowly at first, then with greater and greater intensity. Grover (actually Frank Oz) moaned and cried at the incredible feeling. The member was soon hard as a rock, and Maria lifted it to her eager lips. She devoured his cock with great appetite, sliding her mouth up and down the plush boner, and with her hands she stroked his blue balls. Grover, by this time, was about ready to come, and he cried out; simultaneously, great bursts of white cum exploded from his member into Maria's mouth, and she eagerly swallowed the divine nectar of his loins. She was pleasantly surprised to find it tasted like marshmallows.
Grover knew he must have more. He turned Maria around, so she was on all fours; he licked and sucked her ass and pussy, burying his big furry head between her creamy thighs. Soon, he was erect again and without another word, he proceeded to drive his massive rod into her ass, again and again. He was like an animal. Maria cried out in a mixture of pain and ecstasy "Oh, Grover, Yes, Grover!" Grover knew, as he came one more time, that learning letters and numbers just wasn't going to cut it anymore. At about this time, Bert and Ernie stopped by Maria's. They were going to go miniature golfing. But when they saw the vicious fucking on the couch, they knew that they were staying right there.
They quickly stripped, and Bert fucked Ernie's ass so hard that Ernie screamed. Bert bucked back and forth like a kid on a rocking horse, and held on to Ernie by Ernie's own cock. Of course, by this time, Grover and Maria were aware that they had company. They watched the pair butt fuck, ecoming aroused themselves; then they decided that they wanted to join in. After Bert had climaxed, Maria shoved Ernie onto his back, and straddled him. She began rubbing her fuzzy mound, just to tease Ernie; he cried out for her to stop. She then took his swollen member in her hand, and guided it gently into her soaking wet pussy. She began to move up and down; she became so aroused that vaginal juices were dripping down from her pussy onto Ernie's pubic region.
Before Ernie could come, she pulled herself up off him; and then, without a word of explanation, turned around, and sat down on his cock with her back facing him. She leaned forwards, as if to touch her toes, and Ernie was amazed at how deep he could penetrate her in this position. Regions of Maria never touched before by muppet dick were now being slammed again and again by the furious force of Ernie's dick. He finally came, great bursts of white hot jizzum swimming through her inner recesses like a school of fish. She moaned in ecstasy, knowing that muppets make the best lovers. All this time, don't think for a minute that Grover and Bert were idle. Janice, from the muppet show, had stopped by; and God knows Janice never misses an opportunity for a good fuck. She had stripped within seconds, and lay down on the floor with her legs spread far apart. Bert knelt down in front of her, and shoved his massive cock into her tight hot pussy. Janice cried for Grover, and he crammed his dick into her eage
Before long, Maria and the muppet's energy were spent. They had had a fine time, and Grover had learned a lot about women. Grover's sexual knowledge before was minimal; Cookie Monster had once tried to explain masturbation to him, but a strange look in his eyes had frightened Grover away. The count insisted that sucking blood was only one thing you could suck, and certainly not the best thing. And when the big purple two-headed monster tried to show Grover that it actually had four heads, he ran away screaming. But now Grover knew about the intimate parts of women very well.
Some questions remained unanswered, however; questions that he knew may never be answered.
1.Why is Oscar so grouchy all the time? Does it have anything to do with Elmo?
2.What sex is Big Bird, anyhow?
3.How big is the snuffolafagus?
4.Where is Kermit's pecker? He doesn't seem to have one at all.
5.Is that really Gonzo's nose?
6.Why is Miss Piggy such a bitch all the time? (refer to #4)
7.Why are there so many little kids always running around?
8.What do the "Pigs in Space" do for fun? Do they all share Miss Piggy?
9.Are those two old guys in the balcony gay or something?
10.How come there are no Native American muppets?
11.What does Mr. Rogers do all day in that big house of his?
The day had drawn to a close, and the five of them decided to get a bite to eat. They went to a local deli for some peanut butter sandwiches. On the way there, the five discussed their feelings and concerns, and how the next time could be more satisfactory for all involved. After their meal,they all joined in a rousing chorus of "rubber ducky." Bert suggested the number of the day be "69," and they all laughed. All around, a good time was had by all, and a feeling of fellowship drifted over Sesame Street that night.
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