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At 08:14 AM 4/15/2005, Sean Schaefer wrote:

Hey Big Ern

I've been a member of your list for damn near 8 years now. Never really felt compelled to write. Let me starrt off by saying I'm not trying to turn this into a flame war. I am glad to see your back to mailing on a continual basis. It seems like you were on leave for a while. The last e-mail "A Day in the Life of Joe Republican" was gay. I don't know if you just send out what gets e-mailed to you. It wasn't funny and had tons of holes in it. That's it. Keep the material comming, I've enjoyed your site for many years and plan to in the future.


Ernie wrote:

So let me get this straight. Never written in before - either to compliment a joke you liked (I know I checked), or to say Happy Birthday (I know I checked), or "Whats up" or anything social in nature (I know I checked), and most importantly, you never donated to LBEH or Daisy (I know I checked).

And yet you feel compelled to write in now and complain about something that you get *for free*.

Explain to me how you think I should react, because I'm anxious to hear it.

At 11:13 AM 4/15/2005, Sean Schaefer wrote:


I don' mean to sound ungrateful, if thats how i sound. I love your site and mailing list. I give you props all the time. I was just trying to offer some feedback.


Ernie wrote:

"I give you props all the time."

I repeat:

Never written in before - either to compliment a joke you liked (I know I checked), or to say Happy Birthday (I know I checked), or "Whats up" or anything social in nature (I know I checked), and most importantly, you never donated to LBEH or Daisy (I know I checked).

At 11:32 AM 4/15/2005, Sean Schaefer wrote:

I haven't been to your actually to your site in a while, because it is blocked where i have access to the internet. Whats "Daisy"? I would donate to LBEH but last time I cheked it looked like you needed a credit card ( or some such device). The props I'm talking about are by word of mouth around my area and on my little rink-dink site (


Oh I see, so the mistake is mine. How silly of me. Well, I must admit I found your original email a little confusing Sean, so please allow me to reword it for you to allow for clearer presentation of your concerns:

"Dear Ernie,

I am a selfish pain in the ass. you see, for the past eight years I've been a member of your mailing list. But I guess I mean "freeloader" more than I mean "member" since members by nature participate and contribute to things. You see over the past eight years many things have happened which have presented me with many opportunities to reach out and say hello to you, but I thought waiting all this time to write in, and then complaining when I do, would work out best for me.

I've never contributed a joke; nor offered any appreciation when you sent one that made me fuckin belly laugh until I shit myself. I remember you telling everyone it was your birthday, but fuck since I don't get anything that day I decided, "fuck you!" I don't know what "Daisy" is because I'm a cockhead and once I saw an email that didn't start out by saying I got anything out of it, I hit delete.

I don't know that LBEH can take donations not only by credit card, but by check, money order or hell even cash like the old lady from Virginis who actually mailed $12 in loose change in a padded envelope, because I never spend the 10 seconds it takes to figure that out. Or God forbid, I never felt like asking: it was mush easier for me to say, "fuck it" and then go siphon some gas from my neighbor's car so I could drive to get my fucking unemployment check.

I know you can appreciate having some spare time on your hands, since you took a break for a good portion of 2004 and didn't send out any mailing. Now I don't know if this hiatus was from you just wanting to take a break, or maybe you had another death in your family, or hell maybe you even had a 8cm canercous tumor growing on the outside wall of your stomach that was pressing into your diaphram so much it you couldn't climb a flight of stairs without getting winded -- hell I don't don't because I never bothered to ask! Ha! Isn't that funny Ernie! Yeah, and when you got back a few months ago and started your jokes again, I sure as hell didn't say, "Welcome back, I missed you like a son of a bitch!" No, I just kept doing what I had always been doing... soaking up everything you send out without even so much as a thanks.

In fact, as I think about it, you don't charge anything for your mailing list or your website, even though I'm sure it costs you money to run them. Not to mention the extraordinary amount of time you put into both. And despite all this the only time you ever asked for donations for anything, was to help people other than yourself! And guess what, I didn't give shit then, either! HAHAHAH!

Let me tell ya Ern, despite all this one way relationship you and I have going, I have to be honest. Your last mailing kind of hurt my feelings and I want you to kiss my knee and make it better. And to as an added hoot, I'll going to say I'm giving you, "feedback" so if you get mad I can always play the, "you don't handle feedback very well" card.

I know I really don't have any right to complain for all the aforementioned reasons, but I know that you'll look kindly upon me because you're a kind and sensitive man.

Well, I've got to go, time to pretend I'm blind so I can get a free bus ride downtime for more cheese.Looking forward to more of your free stuff!

Sean Schaefer

ps - please flame me and kick me off your list."

There, now that's much easier to read, don't you agree!

Your wish is my command, Sean!

See ya, you freeloadin motherfucker!



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