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Hello, I'm Ernie Corleone and I'll be your host in this week's episode of Conversation With a Madman. Now, in order to appreciate this exchange, you must understand the opponent. In this instance, one of your fellow subcribers (his name is Scott) forwarded me a hostile email he had received and asked my advice on how to reply.
Now the background to this little spat is rather trivial: the group of readers that Scott "belongs to" has exposed a man Steven for what he is, a pompous blowhard. Furthermore, they exposed that Steve's only online ally "Tammy" is a figment of his imagination. It would be kind of like me telling all of you that I get help on the website by a guy named "John". Only John doesn't really exist, I just try to make myself look cool by trying to give the impression that I have a staff. Steven then goes to great lengths to prove to the outside world that "Tammy" really does exist, even dedicated an entire webpage on his website to "her".
I know, I know, trivial, but you have to know the background to understand the flamee, to see how I really get under his skin. And so, here's the initial email I received from Scott, forwarding me along his love note from Crazy Steven....
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From: "Scott" Hi Ernie, Should I just ignore him? Scott |
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-----Original Message----- Ever try to fuck with Tammy Bishop again, cutie, I'll personally fly up and fuck up your pretty face. And this is for the record. Actually, I hate living rent-free in your cranium. But You've now pissed me off; and in addition to a lawsuit, you'll need a hospital. Cease and desist, you uneducated canandian. Fuck you, and that's all I better say to you. |
Now the first thing I did was visit stevenbouvet.com to take a look around. Finding nothing of real substance, I notice his site is peppered with mentions of his site's "alexa" ranking. Alexa.com is a site that "ranks" other websites' popularity. At the time, he was claiming he was ranked #200,000 when in reality he was up around #680,000. This tells me he's the "look at me! look at me!" type, desperately trying to convince people how popular and important he is. Couple that with the fact that he drops "editor" whenever and whenever possible, and you can see where we should make our first cut!
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From: Ernie I wouldn't worry too much, Scott. Steve seems to be too worried with trying to flaunt his alexa rating (which is drastically inflated BTW, I checked and his ranking is only 1/3 of what he claims) than to find the time to fly anywhere. Besides, aside from openly documenting evidence against himself should a confrontation occur, for a "journalist" to openly threaten someone would get him banned in most circles. But maybe that's why he's supersizing my lunch instead of "being an editor", eh? Ernie |
Nothing too inflammatory, but if my guess is right, there' no way this guy is going to let a minor slight sneak on by. Will be freak out? Did I find his magic panic button on the first try? Let's watch!
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From: "Stephen Bouvet" Who the hell are you to get in my business "Ernie." Yes, that is a personal threat and yes, I will kick his ass if he ever harasses one of my employees again. It's one thing to come after me for a dispute. I can handle myself. But when you're character is so low, and I've gotten to Scott so much that he must resort to trying to beat up single mothers . . . fuck him and fuck you two together. Oh, and you're wrong about grade inflation on my site. Yes, I've seen the figures this morning and after 10 a.m. PST they'll be up there. I'm honest; you and your ilk are not. And that, whoever yoiu are, together with my last e-mail is for the record. Get out of my box, punk. Stephen Bouvet |
Bullseye! And this time he even goes so far as to cc the mysterious "Tammy", a step which is about as convinving as my proving the Boogeyman exists by cc'ing "boogeyman@monsters.com" on my next email, but regardless we can see this nutjob's zealousness. You'll begin notice a few idiosyncrasies about our new pal Steve, he makes damn sure everything is "for the record". Now the impression he wants to give off is, he's clearly documenting everything because obviously this will benefit him in his upcoming litigation. Here's something important. Whenever you're in a flame war and you push the other party around so well they have to resort to threatening either (a) violence or (b) legal action, then you win my Technical Knock Out. It's an unwritten rule. And why is it people never believe my name is really "Ernie"? That hurts. Anyway, before I can reply, Steven apparently has a few more thoughts enter his head, and he fires off a second email this time adding someone else to the cc list...
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From: "Stephen Bouvet" Scott, your best friend in the world is a pornomeistermerchant on the web. Look at this clown's website -- gets more hits than mine, but I don't have tits, do I? What are you, one of his models? LOL Stephen Bouvet |
Wow, apparently this man is going to kick my ass and draw a crowd before he does it. And then he goes so far as to call me...gasp... a "pornomeistermerchant". My God I'm so flustered. Okay, so this guy wants to give off he impression that he's Mr All Powerful Big Shot, and everyone should quake and shiver at the mere thought of incurring his wrath. The best way to piss off someone who demands to be taken seriously?
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From: Ernie Hey Steve, I bet you didn't know I typed that entire letter to you using the tip of my penis, eh? |
Ha! Yeah I was going to run with the whole penis-typing theme that I used in the prior week's flame, but the timing went to hell so it didn't pan out. Ayway, here we see the first crack in his defenses... whenever someone gives ground and compliments yo on *something*...
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From: "Stephen Bouvet" You sound like a very well educated man, and I'm glad Scott subscribes to your filth -- guy's gotta make a buck, right? Why not exploit women in the process. Fck 'em. That's what they're for, you and Scott. What shitheads. |
Okay these two liners are getting boring. Time to present Mr Wackjob with some valid arguments and see what he comes up with. Let's kick it up a notch! BAM!
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From: Ernie Hmmm, you sound like a very well versed fellow too. Since you've yet to send an email without "fuck" in it somewhere, which normally I woudn't bat an eyelash at and would even embrace but since you're -- you know -- such a highly respected journalist *cough* I just expected more from someone of your caliber. Anyway, not that we're keeping score Stevie, but I'd like to point out that you also failed to mention that monies from each of my annual "Best Tits" contests gets donated directly to breast cancer research. But of course, had you brought that up, it'd have been harder to paint me as a... oh what was the word... "pornomeistermerchant". The ironic part is, I never knew this "single mom" you refer to even existed until (a) you brought her up (b) you cc'd her on this email and (c) you exposed her to your tirade of profanities. You sir, are clearly vying to impress those around you by trying to "be their champion," and then vigorously advertising that fact. You sir, are clearly disappointed that much like your website, nobody is really listening. You sir, are obviously jealous of EHOWA's success. You sir, are of French descent - Bouvet - and I think we can all agree as history shows us, that makes you unfit for any kind of a confrontation. Please. Cheers. I take my leave of you now. Ernie (ps, my penis really didn't type that last email, he just lied and said he did. little bugger.) |
Yeah that's my new thing, I'm going to try to work in at least one anti-France comment into each of my flames for now on. So I post a few well thought out argumentsm and let's see how he responds. Does respond in kind, or does he go off the deep end?
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From: "Stephen Bouvet" Whatever, slimester. don't you have a shoot you need to be at. What do you give these desperate women? $10 an hour. Probably less. I'm so glad you're a millionaire. Perhaps I'll do a story on you. In exchange for that publicity, however, I expect you give Scott a lifetime pass to your alluring content. That way he won't have to pay for it and will be able to put even more resources upon his lawyer when I sue his worthless ass for defamation, libel, harassment, slander and . . . in prison, Scott, though you won't -- meaning Scott now -- have direct access to "Ernie's" (and maybe "Ernie" is you, Scott) Web content, you'll be getting plenty of sex. Plenty. Even in a Cannuk lockup. This too is for the record. Stephen Bouvet |
Completely ignoring that fact that his arguments were completely shredded to pieces before his eyes, he realizes he's no match for me and tries to shift the focus of our battle over to my website. It's at this point that I'm starting to get a mental picture of my adverasary. A distinguised gentleman behind a large wodden desk with a marble "EDITOR" nameplate? Not quite. I'm think more 42 year old fat balding guy with ice cream stains on his tee shirt, living in his mom's basement along with a slew of computerseach running each with a different operating system. And that's, you know, for the record. He keeps going back to this legal mode, so let's see if we can't stoke thee coals for a bit.
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From: Ernie Ah, I notice you've trimmed Scott from our CC list, but as you wish. Gotta do your homework Stevie. All my beloved boobie pics are done by volunteers. We do have prizes for whomever wins the contest mind you, but even that's limited to gift certificated to Victorias Secret. So much like you, nobody actually gets paid for their efforts. But alas, I am not a millionaire. Actully if you care to take a moment to browse around EHOWA, you'll see it's all free. Yep, thats right, free, free, free, I'm Crazy Ernie and my prices are IN-SANE. Defamation. That would entail the loss of some sort of stature in the internet community, which as alexa.com can verify, you have none. Libel/Slander. Now I'm not Larry Lawyer, but doesn't slander have to be done verbally, like in a speech or interview? GIven this is the internet, doesn't that render that impossible? Now libel, I dunno, as I'm sure there's a lot more background than I'm aware of, but I haven't heard anything even close to libel. Harrassment. Bzzzt. You're taking the stance of a popular online jounalist boy which renders anyone immune to almost all but the most extreme behavior to you. Say.....threatening to fly up and beat their ass, for instance. Homework, homework, homework. I expected something bigger from you Stevie. But well, like that's not the first time you've heard *that* eh? Ern-ieeeeeeee ps - I'm eating Cheetos. |
But soon after I send this email, I'm treated with another one of Steve's gems, only this time it's directed to Scott and I"m just a by-product.
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From: Stephen Bouvet [mailto:stephenb@stephenbouvet.com] Fuck off, Scott, and my lawyers already have that promise below. You harass Tammy again or anyone besides myself associated with me you ain't gonna be pretty anymore. And that's for the record, punk. You and Denise and your all-the-time-networker ilk need to get lives. Also, tell this "Ernie" friend of yours that should he e-mail me again he'll no longer be doing porno from jail. You really make good decisions, Scott. If you want to mess with me and my resources I'll give you a lesson of what that's exactly about, idiot. Stephen Bouvet |
Undaunted, Steve still continues to express his displeasure with the "harrassing" of the myatery lady Tammy, even though he's the only one who's ever mentioned her. I score aminor victory with the first threat of my incarceration, but that's not much. I should have more at this point. I'm a little disappointed in my performance so far as this blockhead doesn't seem to be responding to stimuli.
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From: "Stephen Bouvet" Tammy mentioned you're still harassing her. I called a U.S. Senator whom I know who put me with the right guy at our State Department. Should you ever enter America as "Scott Sxxxxx" -- and they do have your passport info from the Canadian government -- our government will arrest you and try you for harassment and other federal crimes. They'll beat you up in prison, you bitch-ass punk. This too is for the record. Please, come to America. Your pretty face will get a lot of attention as you're cuffed and taken off the gate into your home at one of our federal prisons. And it'll be good for you. You have a knack for fucking with the wrong people and they'll be a lot of big guys to fuck with in prison. Send me a letter through your warden. I'll publish it. We'll cover your trial. Shit, I'm supposed to be tipped off, so we'll be there with a camera when you're cuffed. Stephen Bouvet |
Okay we've struck gold here. He's going for the "I know somebody who knows somebody" defense, so we kno this guy's obviously blown a gasket and I can clearly picture him frothing at the mouth as he's mercillesly pounding away at the keys, verbally screaming out each word as he types them. Does this assclown really think anybody is buying this shit? A Senator? C'mon. Does he really expect to be taken seriously? I mean if you're going to make up more imaginary friends, at least make it believable. Time to give him a taste of his own medicine.
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From: Ernie Hey when I'm playing golf with Ross Perot this afternoon, should I tell him you said hello? What about when I have crumpets with Sean Connery this evening? |
Ah, the ever elusive "Tammy" responds. Now up until this point, I haven't heard hide nor hair from/about her. And she too threatens legal action baby, two for one!
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From: "Tammy Bishop" [tammybishop@passionatelivelihood.com] LOL Scott: You've got a porno merch defending you. Stephen wants to know his identity. At least he's here. We'll arrest him on the 18th hole right in front of . . . who is it? Oh, well, boys will be boys, but bottom line, Scott, your next harassment of me please include this clown's name. What is he, you're lawyer? |
Here's a tip, if someone dedicated an entire web page documenting the existance of someone, they don't really exist. Why is it so important for this guy to make people believe in his imaginary friends? I don't understand. Wasn't that a 2nd grade thing? Anyway, when I look at he originating IP addresses of the email from "Tammy" and Steve, they go to the same computer. Clearly he just changed the name in the "Reply To" field to his alter ego, after his brain exploded when he founf out I play golf with Ross Perot.
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From: Ernie Hi Tammy/Steve! Well, since you can't decide as to whether nor not you're calling yourself "Steven Bouvet" or "Tammy Bishop", I decided to deprive you of both and give you a new name, Dumb Fuck. X-ClientAddr: 216.64.134.248 Or should I call you Tave? or Stammy? Anyway while you were switching your screen names pretending to be someone else, you forgot to add Scott to this email, so I took care of it for you. Who am I? I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure; the spirit of pursuit; the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution; the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life. I am appetite. Can't talk more, calling Vladimir Putin. I'm going to have Spokane nuked! Bwahahahahahahaha! |
Yeah the "essence of overconfidence" thing is a recycled quote from Hawyeye from an episode of MASH. I thought it's be the great reply identify myself and keep them guessing. It took me 20 minutes to track that down on the web. Anyway, let's look as to how Steve and his alter ego react to being stone cold busted...
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From: "Tammy Bishop" Fuck off, kid. Go back to jacking off. Get off before the cops get there. Stephen has your address, you harrassing fuck child pornomerch, which is a felony. Mr. Federal Marshall is on his way. Write us from your federal lockup, where they'll treat you like a little girls you like to see spread-eagled! I didn't know you'd be sucking and taking penises up your ass, but that's your life, not mine, thank you. LOL |
Woo hoo hoo, look at the mouth on Sailor girl! Looks like he/she/it has an inability to interact with being infinitely smarter than they are. Another Steve telltale is the Scrabble winning word combinations. First is was "pornmeistermerchant" and now "pornmerch". Regardless, I do appreciate them letting me know the marshal's are on the way). Because you know any minute my door is going to be kicked in buy guys with badges screaming, "Steve sent us, get down on the fuckin floor!" Again more threats of incarceration. Personally, I'd like to see him at least threaten to beat me up like he did Scott.
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From: ernie Excellent! All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go Wooooo hooo! Anal tonight baby! Come get some Beecher! |
See, I like to make a reference to TV shows every now and again, to kind of give you the readr a subtle look inside my personal tastes. How clever of me. Anyway, Steve/Tammy's head predictably implodes an when faces with the understanding I don't take their promises of anal sex very seriously, and he consoles himself with a fiery email to Scott. He bounces back and forth between threatening Scott and me and then Scott and then me, and it's kind of a clusterfuck. More furious keyboard abuse, I'm sure...
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From: Stephen Bouvet [mailto:stephenb@stephenbouvet.com] If you ever, ever do that, punk, I'll make one phone call to certain Sicilian members of my immediate family and they'll make you a silent, unfamous Canadian Jimmie Hoffa. And this is for the record. I'm sending a copy of this to my lawyer. Should you ever, ever contact me or anyone who works for me, you serial pornmerchant and harasser, that will be your last "post" -- fulltime networker fuck. You are over, one way or another, from contacting me or anyone I care about. Get it, dimwit? Fuck that, I may just be there, or do it myself. I'm very, very violent and very, very powerful and very, very dangerous to you right now. Fuckhead puck-ass bitch. You're censored, kid. Believe it, or die for your Cannuck "right" to harass me or anyone I know. Fuck you in any case. |
Oh ho ho, now this is a new twist. Steve's connected folks! I'm fucking with the new Tony Soprano here! Not only is he threatening deadly violence, but he's lettin ghis lawyer know he's going to do it beforehand, how considerate of him! I wonder how his "Senator friend" is going to takje to being linked to a mafia hit? It's like the Godfather II all over again. Can I be Fredo? I mean after all, now I've been upgraded to a "serial" pornmerchant. But wait, Steve's not done with me yet folks.
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From: "Stephen Bouvet" Okay, yagoff. I've forwarded this to the FBI agent on your kiddie porn case. What a fuck you are, and you'll be fucked, pornomerchant. What a piece of shit you and Scott share. Oh, this goes to the Mounties, too. Have you noticed Scott hasn't posted in the last few days. Wonder where that fuck is. I'm sending this to a bunch of important people on blind CC because I want them to know what happens to porno merchants who hinder and harass my employees. This includes my Senator friend and others who don't like that sort of thing, or some supposedly witty pornomerch defender of a Cannuck who can't contain his bile and therefore tries to hurt single mothers. You guys are criminals and the process, which I have faith in as a lawyer and a man and a citizen, will deal with you. Have a good time in prison. Stephen Bouvet |
Ah yes, more accusations about kiddie porn. I wonder, is this libel? So now Steve has detailed for us, his relationships with: A Senator, soe Federal Marshals, the Sicilian mafia, and now the FBI and "a bunch" of people who are obviously way too important to be named. And look how his email footer is slowly growing line by line. He's an important fellow!Scott, better contain that bile of yours! I mean I was living life on the edge because you know, any minute I expected federal agents to kick in my door and take me into custody. Who would feed my dog? So it was this time that LBEH kicked off, so I got kind of tied up for awhile and coudln't carry on my exciting career of a super assistant to the vice president of the editor of jack shit. But alas, I decided to throw caution to the wind, and touch base with Steve and inquireas to when I was going to be arrest and subsequently assfucked in prison.
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To: "Stephen Bouvet", "Scott" Hey Dumb Fuck, I'm just curious whe the Federal Marshals will be showing up to arrest me. I've got meatloaf in the oven and don't want it to burn, ya know? |
I had counted on that drawing a strong response, and a strong response I got. Notice how he puts the right people on the cc list again.
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From: "Stephen Bouvet" First, "Ernie," you illiterate pornmerch, dumb fuck that you are . . . listen, dumb fuck is not capitalized. I guess when you're looking at naked women all day . . . we'll, I can't expect you, watching your child porn you peddle, to be intelligent. All the same, thanks for the note below: It'll be forwarded to the proper authorities. And the reason about hte Marshalls? Well, I haven't had time to document, comprehensively, your harassment; however, I'm going to make time today since you've so kindly reminded me of what you are, scumbag, a darky floating in my toilet. Were you a man you'd show your face, "Ernie." As you are not a man, you hide unmanly-like, just like a terrorist, which is what you are. By the end of this month you'll be indicted for felony harassment. If I'm wrong on this, I'll subscribe to your patheticlly gross porno site, www.ehowa.com. (I'm afraid I haven't looked at it at all; however, one of your "friends" in the "adult" content racket said you've got some "pretty eclusive, definitely hard-core stuff" on your adolescent site. You're not a man, like your buddy Scott Stratten, who is no doubt far cuter than you, whomever you are, "Ernie". I'm done with you for now; however, keep reminding me. My uncles will take care of you should I hear from you again. Now, when you get out of Club Fed -- contact me. I'll buy you the first beer you've had in five or 10 years. (And, yes, I am Sicilian-American yet still half Jewish. This makes me, personally, only half violent. Were I like my uncles, I'd see to it that your broken hands preclude you from harassing my employees via your cum-stained keyboard.) In closing, you're a punk-ass bitch with no money -- a spammer, a corrupter of youth, a human being so evil and insecure that he must harass Tammy Bishop in order to get "even" with me on a matter between Scott and I which remains none of your business. Thanks for reading, shithead on dope. /s/ P.S. I'm sending a blind CC of this to someone extremely important in our nation's capital. I will confer with her later today on this. Good luck trying to slime your way out of this one, hateful pimp. |
Ah more claims of knowing someone who knows someone who knows someone. Sounds like a Coors Light commercial to me, doesn't it? No doubt the "extremely important person" was Carmen Elektra.
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To: "Stephen Bouvet", "Scott" Were I a man, I'd show my face? Exactly how does one do that via email, you dipshit? Do I show my face by overusing such stupid catch phrases as, "and that's for the record," and and "punk"? Or do I show it by trying to tell people I'm the editor of a newspaper, all the while mangling the Engligh language when I try to create new words by slamming others together like out of control freight trains? Oh no wait, I know, I show my face by creating imaginary friends and then spend enormous amounts of my time to make others believe in my fantasy world. Yeah that's the ticket! So now I have until the end of the month before I'm carted off to jail, oh how delicious. And I'm assuming it's before then that your hairly knuckled uncles will come knocking at my door at 2am to take me for a ride in the desert eh? Tell me Steve, are your uncles as fucking stupid as you are? I mean because if they are, all I have to do is rearrange a few numbers on my house numbers and I can have them quietly dispense one of my neighbors who plays his music too loud times. Also, can you ask them to grab the trash out from behind the house? That would be a real time saver, believe me. Tomorrow's trash day and I'd like to sleep in if I could. But you're right about one thing, I am not a man. I am a machine. A big boobie watchin, beer guzzllin, truck drivin, boot stompin, honky-tonk machine, and now I'm waddling right at you. I'm made in the USA and carry an extended warranty. And I can be run on 110 or 220 volts for our European friends. And I can double as a Karaoke machine. Let's see you find that kind of versatility anywhere else, cocksucker! So you're Sicilian-American and yet half Jewish. Just what the fuck does that mean? You're too cheap to buy a razor to shave your back? What man? Help me the fuck out here. Anyway, please allow me to take the time to ask you, comprehensively, to kiss my sweaty balls. And guess what, I'm blind cc'ing more people than you are. Neener, neener, neener. Gohave your mother make you another Hot Pocket, you fucking dork. Ernie - The Terror of Tacoma - The Entertainment Director of Club Fed - Corleone! |
There, I hope you enjoyed this episode of Conversation With A Madman. My name is Ernie, and I've enjoyed being your host tonight. Tune in next week when we explore the hearts and minds of those more fucked up than ourselves!
http://www.spokanepolice.org/news_releases.htm
http://profiles.yahoo.com/WantsWittyWoman
to be continued.... ?
