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Back in the day I used to hate seeing that phrase, because it always meant I was going to be spending the next four or five hours in some stupid fucking team building class. Well I'm using that phrase here today, and trust me, this ain't no team building exercise. Instead I want top talk to you about your expectations from two very important aspects in life: strippers and bartenders... [read more]


Okay. Believe it or not, this is a post I've wanted to make for some time. It just never seemed like the right time -- until now. With the mailing list starting up again, the Random Offensives are flowing pretty good. Of course among this weekend's posting, mixed in with some Arabic jokes, some Indian jokes, some pedophile jokes, some Chinese jokes, were a couple of black jokes. Now there's an art form to telling racist jokes, be they black or anything else, but I'll use black jokes as an example because it's easier to illustrate my point. It involves the use, or more importantly, the non-use of the word nigger. Because contrary to what most people think you don't have to use the word nigger to tell a black joke, any more than you have to use the word 'chink' to tell a Chinese joke, 'sandnigger' to tell an Arab joke, or 'kyke' to tell a Jew joke. In fact, using those words when you don't have to, dumbs down the joke in my opinion... [read more]


I had a horrible fucking nightmare last night. Well, I guess technically it was this morning since the clock read 3:42AM when I woke up in a sweat. My pulse was racing, and I had a knot in my stomach. It was one of those dreams so horrible that the instant you come awake, the sudden realization that it was all just a bad dream mercifully washes over you like warm bathwater. As I lay there licking my lips and trying to get my heart to slow down, my mind devoured all the promise and opportunity of reality. What dream was so terrible as to keep your favorite webmaster up for another thirty minutes before drifting back to sleep? I dreamed I had my old job back... [read more]


Howard first came to my back yard begging for food, late this past year. As ducks go he was enormous, and I first dubbed him 'Duckzilla'. I had never seen a Muskovy duck before, so when he first came swimming up I thought he was some kind of battle-droid duck. I could tell he wasn't a goose, mind you. I can't describe it, but there are subtle differences in the body shape beween the two and I knew this beast was a duck. A big ass duck, to be precise. And being almost as big as me, he had nothing to fear. The first time he came to visit, he had no problem walking right up and taking bread from my hand. When I tried to pet him, he bit me with his flat duck-beak, which pinched a bit but didn't really hurt. As soon as I stopped, he went back to munching bread without a care in the world... [read more]


Today, we're going to talk about my nuts. Or more specifically, my right nut. You see, about a week ago, I was noticing my right nut was a little tender to the touch. Not bad; I wouldn't say there was any pain per say, but just a little more discomfort than usual when things were getting banged around. I didn't pay much attention to it, just figured I pulled something lifting weights. That is, until this past weekend when I was watching TV and doing an Al Bundy, and what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a lump on my ball! Immediately I'm like, "What in the Jesus H Christ On A Wheat Cracker is This?!" ... [read more]


In the past few weeks, many people have written in and asked what I thought about the new changes to USC 2257 and more importantly, how it would effect EHOWA. For those of you who don't know what USC 2257 is, it's the law that governs the disclaimer you see at the bottom of all the porn sites you visit. The law was created with the intention of stopping child pornography. To be USC 2257 compliant means that yes, all the people having sex on your website are at least 18 years old, and no you're not peddling kiddie porn. Recent changes that became effective on June 24th of this year that set extremely strict guidelines for the management of these age verification records. Now any sexually explicit photo that does not have paper documentation proving all involved parties are age 18+ adults, will automatically be considered child pornography... [read more]


Wow, it's almost like we're an educational site lately, what with all this physics and shi'yat. Anyway, here's a cool video from the gun camera of an AH-64 Apache attack in Iraq. Now while we don't know who these unlucky bastards were, I can tell you the guy in the middle of the road gets fucked up. As I noticed his white image on the infrared get bigger and bigger as his innards are scattered, I sat wondering, "just how fucked up was he?" And so, let the physics begin...Taking our queue from Stupid Movie Physics, we know the formula for kinetic energy is ... [read more]


Well Hornie Toadie, for an answer to this puzzling question, we can draw upon knowledge and wisdom that has been passed down to me from years and years of experience. In fact, we see two eras collide here.. a cosmic clash of ideas that spans all of time... and all for the purpose of answering your very question. To B or not to B? "To Bang or not to Bang" That is the question. Yep, a question that's troubled many a man since the very invention of testosterone. We tend to hang around with people that are very similar to ourselves, and by default, therefore hang around chicks that we'd love to nail -- because hey, you wouldn't let your friend date a fat ugly fuck, now would ya? ... [read more]


For some reason, when I go out and do something -- something really big and worthy of writing about -- I like the events to have a theme. not like we all wear sailor suits and sing "Tomorrow" kind of theme, I mean a common thread to tie the events together. I remember when I was growing up, there was some kind of a national charity/fundraiser/drive called "Hands Across America." The theme would be people from different communities would all gather up and hold hands in one big human chain, with the ultimate goal of one continuous human connection reaching from coast to coast. I adopted that theme to Canadian Jay's bachelor party in Ottawa this past August, and thus "Nuts Across Canada" was born. But before we get into who's nutsack went where and with whom, let us begin the story from the beginning... [read more]


Okay, so my colon cleanse is all said and done, and time for the inside scoop. First off, many of you are wondering just why in hell would I go through such a thing. Well to be honest, it was this picture that really got my curiosity going. Could I, Lord of the Internet, give birth to such a leviathan? Well, only one way to find out! So I emailed the guy in the article and he fired me off my very own colon cleansing kit. And for ease of read and understanding, I'll break everything down into everyday terms so nobody gets lost. The regiment of powders and pills seemed a little daunting at first, but once I actually understood what was going on, it was a piece of cake... [read more]


Ernie, I hope you could help. This dog was doused with gas and set on fire. The sick Fuck who did this claimed that he was tired of the dog walking through his yard. He is in Jail, with Felony charges. The Humane society of North Texas has taken in and treated the dog, but he's not out of the woods yet. They can use any donations that the readers of your website can provide. I want to warn you that the pictures of the dog are on the front page of the website, and they are pretty graphic. Please go to www.hsnt.net to see what i'm talking about. Thanks again, Brad. PS- I would like to cover the sonofabitch who did this in gas and light him on fire, just to see how he would like it.... [read more]


So the Massachusetts' Supreme Judicial Court upheld a ruling today that gays should have the right to marry in the state of Massachusetts. This will of course lead to many a heated moments as the beer swilling Catholics in downtown Boston get liquored up and decide to voice their opinions to those who may strike them as light in the loafers, I'm sure. I had actually intended on doing a blurb on this subject about a month ago and it slipped my mind, until I received this email last week.... [read more]


Please allow me to tell you my tale of Pussiness. This year, the 2001st revolution around the sun, I spent Labor Day with the Puddyhog and Canadian Jay boozing up a storm. This part I remember. Even met a very attractive girll names Carolyn (that's my interpretatiuon of the spelling of her name) that I promised I"d go skydiving with. But alas, these statements lead you to believe that yea, Im am The Man. The Hunter Gatherer of All Time (HGoAT). But alas, that would be misleading you. Because in fact, I am a GBP. Please bear with me whilest I relive the last 24 hours of my life and explain... [read more]


On the morning of April 11th, a kind old woman in Belmont, North Carolina came across the crumbled body of what she thought was a dead dog on the side of the road. Expecting the worst, she took the time to look closer and was both delighted and horrified to find this female pit bull barely alive; shattered limbs unable to carry her body any further, blood seeping from maggot infested wounds, skin stretched taunt over exposed ribs, dull broken eyes looking up at her begging for relief. This dog didn't have the strength to lift her head as the woman approached, she could only offer a muffled whimper. Surely others had driven past this horribly wounded dog, but no one bothered to stop. Not until this woman did. Such is the nature of man, I guess. But, thankfully our Good Samaritan did stop, and she scooped this dog's limp body up in her arms and brought her to the Eastridge Animal Hospital... [read more]


Well it's that time again folks. No, not time to pay your water bill, but time for me to reflect on just how much Nectar of the Gods I've consumed in my budding and distinguished drinking career. Time to think back and try to wrap my arms around all of the frosty, yeasty goodness that has danced its way down my gullet like a world class ballerina. My last such report was done on November 5th, 2001, so we'll be incorporating about a year and a half's word of suds into our new numbers.... [read more]


Yesterday morning a friend of mine shipped out for a year's deployment in Iraq. She is a 24 year old medic ...Her unit will be assigned to a forward command post near Tikrit, Iraq, which if any of you read the newspapers know is Saddam's hometown and one of the last bastions for his supporters. We lose soldiers there almost every week...I don't fear so much for her physical safety; I think the times of this war when a combat medic will have to routinely race into enemy fire to rescue a wounded comrade have faded away. No, I think by the time a medic will be called under today's circumstances, it will be to try to save the life of some other poor bastard who's fallen victim to a sniper attack, RPG assault, or homemade bomb explosion. Sometimes she'll succeed, and sometimes, well, she won't. I fear more for any emotional scars she may carry back home with her, than any physical ones.... [read more]


Greetings all. Please sit down and prepare yourself for a tale of international travel, of intercultural experiences, and of foreign strippers owned by none other then Earth's very own Russian Mob. Yes I speak to you about my most recent trip to Tel Aviv, Israel. Now I know what you're thinking, "Ernie... isn't it all bullets and suicide bombers over there?" Ladies and gentlemen, I assure you the streets of Tel Aviv are ten times safer then the streets of New York City on any given day. Dare I even say as safe as SmallTown, USA. Honest Injun. Israelis aren't violent people, unless you star to fuck with their faith. But we'll get to that in due time. Please, get a drink, sit back and enjoy my tale of wonder... [read more]


You are a disgrace to this country and I am furious you would even think I would support you and your aggressive baby killing tactics of collateral damage. Help you recruit. Who, top guns to reign death and destruction upon nonwhite peoples throughout the world? Are you serious sir? Resign your commission and serve your country with honour. No war, no air force cowards who bomb countries without AAA, without possibility of retaliation. You are worse than the snipers. You are imperialists who are turning the whole damn world against us. September 11 can be blamed in part for what you and your cohorts have done to the Palestinians, the VC, the Serbs, a retreating army at Basra. You are unworthy of my support. Peter Kristein ... [read more]


Had I not had to travel to Israel for work, I would most likely not know any more about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict then I did this time two years ago, which is pretty much saying I only know they really like fucking killing each other. But when your boss says you're going to Israel for a week, you sure can turn your attention to world affairs in a fucking hurry. Keep in mind all this violence started on the very day my first trip there ended back in September 2000. I mean we took off and things were great, and when we landed back in New Jersey all the headlines featured the riots breaking out. It was that fast. Anyway I digress, the purpose of me writing this jazzy little article is to explain to those of you who don't know (or really give a fuck) what all this Middle East shit is about and where it's most likely going. And I’m going to do so without wasting too much time on the trivial details or political backspins... [read more]


Now, there's a lot of information swirling around in this fucking rock noggen of mine, so please be forgiving if I jump around a lot. First, we must understand our enemy. Sendicus Spammus Mailalious, or 'Spammer' for short. Contrary to popular belief, those who send spam for a living are actually very smart individuals. Honestly. See they have a two fold mission -- first to gather as many e-mail addresses that can because more addresses equals more potential customers equals more potential money. And secondly, they have to accomplish goal one without getting caught -- this postion is actually more difficult then the latter. ... [read more]


Kids, this is your Uncle Ernie talking here. And your Uncle Ernie's gonna do you a big favor. I'm going to share my years of wisdom and tell you how to get out of a speeding ticket. And trust me -- I know what works -- since starting to drive eleven years ago at the ripe old age of 17, I've been pulled over seventeen -- yes I say again seventeen -- times. Been issued only four tickets. Beat three of em. And the one I didn't beat? I was young and didn't know any better -- just mailed my check in like a dumb ass... [read more]


Whether or not you agreed with the war on Iraq and/or the events that led up to that war, one quality has always remained unwavering within us the American public; we support our troops. And support we did. We cheered and held rallies, awarded medals, and let them all bask in the well deserved spotlight of heroism. We even spent extra effort reassuring our POW's know they were never far from our thoughts during their captivity, and afford them untold honors and unimaginable attention we usually reserve for (much less deserving, I might add) our favorite Hollywood stars and world class athletes. In addition to having her name a household world, Jessica Lynch has had offers to host popular television shows and has two full scholarships waiting for her when she finally makes it through her grueling rehabilitation...[read more]


Alright, I know that immediately upon reading the subject, I've got a few people right in the Philly area going, "WTF! Ernie came down to Philly and didn't tell me?!?!" Fret not, fair reader, for this trip came up rather unexpectedly and wasn't supposed to have any free time -- the only reason we did have time to go out is because some co-workers got hung up on 24 hour beeper and couldn't go anywhere. Think of it this way, next trip, I'll know where to go. But with that out of the way, please allow me to spin my tale here. Now some of you may already know that I fucking *loathe* going to Philadelphia. Or actually, any place in Pennsylvania for that matter. But trying to make the best of it, myself and two worker-buds (whom I'll call AJ and John, their named changed to protect the married) ventured out from our room at the Harlem-Inn to check out some of the local entertainment and see what we could find...[read more]


I would like to set the record straight and assure you all that these incidents are simple misunderstanding that have been blown out of proportion by the media. I will now explain what really happened in each incident outlined in the Pentagon report...[read more]


It was the fall of 1996 and those words rang in my head as clear as the day Johnny Lo said them to me a few months earlier, in what would turn out to be an ugly twist of irony. We were just two guys sitting around the office with our feet up, talking about what it is that guys talked about when they sat around the office with their feet up. But as fate would have it I was now sitting on my cushioned toilet seat with my pants around my ankles, and a pair of tweezers in my hand. I held them up close where I could get more light and look closer at the legs..yes I'm sure they were legs now...wriggling around while silhouetted against the background of my girlfriend's seashell shower curtain. This was not good. ...[read more]


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