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Dear Ernie,

First, some background. My best friend (let's call him Al) started dating this girl about a year ago (let's call her Alex). Throughout this I have become the "sounding board", if you will, for lots of their problems and fights. They broke up for a few months about midway through this year of dating and got back together. Alex and I have become a lot closer through these months, and she's become one of my few close friends. Hell, I got all the details from Al and Alex about Al losing his virginity to Alex (a lot more than I needed to know, but it was kind of amusing in a Tasteless Tuesday sort of way). From those details, and from acts thereafter, I've come to believe that Alex is great in the sack. Plus she's got a fantastic body, and more importantly, great tits.

Anyhow, now that Al is out of the picture, I really want a piece of her.

Actually, all of her would be nice. She's told me that she's through with "serious relationships" with men and has basically become a flirting machine. We've flirted with each other for months, even when Al was dating her, and she's been sending me lots of Emails with "I miss you so much" etc etc in them, every time I check my Email it seems like. I think she's hot for me, but with women, you can't ever tell.

So my question to you, Sulton of Humor, is this. How can I get her to suck my summer sausage and scream my name with her legs around my head without being blatantly fucking obvious about it? Also, how would I go about it where I would dodge the "relationship" bullet as long as possible? I'm not so fucking stupid as believe that she's through with relationships, but I would like to keep away from the subject as long as possible. I realize that this may not even have an answer, but if anyone can shed some light on this problem, I know you can. Please help!

Humorly, Hornie Toadie

Well Hornie Toadie, for an answer to this puzzling question, we can draw upon knowledge and wisdom that has been passed down to me from years and years of experience. In fact, we see two eras collide here.. a cosmic clash of ideas that spans all of time... and all for the purpose of answering your very question.

To B or not to B?

"To Bang or not to Bang" That is the question.

Yep, a question that's troubled many a man since the very invention of testosterone. We tend to hang around with people that are very similar to ourselves, and by default, therefore hang around chicks that we'd love to nail -- because hey, you wouldn't let your friend date a fat ugly fuck, now would ya?

So casually we watch her breasts sway back and forth at the picnics you're all at and never think much of it. But then one day their magic comes to and end. Then later on when its dark and the demons come, you're left alone with only your lusty thoughts to comfort you. "Should I bang her?" "But she dated my best friend." "But they're broken up now." "Would he get mad?" "Yeah but she's got these *great* tits."

"Should I bang her?"

And whether you like it or not, your thoughts draw you into a mental tug of war... you know you can't have both, so it comes down to a choice. Which one means more to you. Your best friend, or those lovely swaying breasts. Well my Hornie Toadie friend, to answer this question I draw upon two direct quotes of great persons in this nations history...

"Your can count your true friends on one hand." -- Ernie Sr. (Yep, my dad)

"Bitches come and go, but your friends always stay the same." -- Greg, (my friend since 6th grade)

Now, I'm a firm believer in "protocol" -- there's a right and a wrong way to do these things. First we have to understand a few rules and terms...

BIP - Banged In Passing -- This is the chick you hooked up with on New Years. After a bottle of cheap champagne, you get her hammered and walk her two blocks back to her apartment, bang a load into her just as the blanket of a hangover is starting to creep over your eyes, and stumble home. These chicks have a very limited set of rules that apply to them and for the most part, you're free and clear to bang any of these chicks that your friends have. In fact, its actually encouraged because these lasses usually aren't exactly 'pageant contestants" if you know what I mean and, hey, misery loves company.
BIR - Banged in Relationship -- These are the ones you really have to worry about. These are the ones where the ex-boyfriend/your best friend's testosterone levels run high. These are the ones where we strictly adhere to our pre-defined male rules.
SEG - Special Event Girl -- This is a chick, that the guy has shared some sort of special event with. Maybe his first love, maybe had a baby with her, she comforted him after some nasty car accident, donated kidney to save his mom, built a deck around his pool, or he lost virginity to. These girls are *always* a no-no when BIR and require special considerations when BIP. (NOTE Her losing her virginity to him doesn't count because hey, who cares?)
TWP - Total Waiting Period -- The total time that you should wait, as defined by the 1:1 Rule, before attempting to bang an eligable ex-girlfriend.
WPR - Waiting Period Respected -- Amount of time you actually wait before attemping to bang an eligable ex-girlfriend. For honorable persons, the WPR will always be equal or greater to the TWP.
BRF - Banging Risk Factor -- Direct result of adherence to the 11 rule. This is the chance that you will cause irreperable harm to your friendship, by banging his ex-girlfriend. BRF = 100% - (WPR/TWP)
1:1 Rule -- This is a time reference rule that calculated the TWP to bang a chick should be at least equal to if not greated then the period of time she dated your best friend. Respecting the entire TWP as defined by the 11 Rule results in a 0% BRF. Violations of this rule results in a >0% BRF.

Now, let's look at an example.

Q. Bill and Steve are friends. Bill is dating Julia for 5 months and they break up. Steve now wants to Bang the holy bejesus out of Julia, who has been giving him "the look". Can he do so? How soon?
A. Well, since Julia is not she is a SEG, we know the banging can take place and its just a matter of when. However, since she is in fact BIR -- dating Bill for five months -- Steve should wait at least an additional five months (the TWP), per the 1:1 rule, before taking his due turn on Julia. To not do so would result in a >0% BRF and most likely problems with his friendship with Bill.
However, should he decide that Julia's ass is just too nice and he can't wait and has to get himself some of that good stuff after the second month, we have the following calculation to determine the BRF.
BRF = 100% - (WPR/TWP)
BRF = 100% - (2 months / 5 months)
BRF = 100% - (0.40)
BRF = 100% - 40%
Banging Risk Factor = 60% chance that Bill will get drunk and beat the fuck out of Steve after finding out he plugged his ex.

See, simple, isn't it? Now, let's apply the same rules to your situation.

Q. Al and YOU are friends. Al has been dating Alex for 12 months and lost his virginity to her and they just broke up a month ago. YOU now want to bang the holy bejesus out of Alex, who has been giving you "the look". Can you do so? How soon?
A. Well, since Alex IS a SEG and BIR, she is automatically disqualified. Keep your dick in your pants.

Now, should you choose not to follow the rules, that's your choice. Be advised it will have its costs and Al will be around for you long after Alex has come and gone. (no pun intended)

Fortunately for you, I have this handy "When Its OK to Bang your friend's ex-girlfriend chart." I suggest that you print it out and keep it in your wallet. It works best when printed from Notepad, or any other fixed-font editor.

A Guide to When Its OK To Bang Your Friend's Ex-Girlfriend, By Ernie
BIP BIR SEG Special Notes or Considerations
X     Bang the living bejesus out of her.
X   X Bang her, but remember to apply the 1:1 rule here, especially if he's a good friend or if she has full custody.
  X   Mandatory 1:1 rule is applied here. And don't brag afterwards if she said your tool is bigger then his.
  X X Absolutely off limits, no exceptions.
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