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September 25, 2007

A Paradigm Shift.

Back in the day I used to hate seeing that phrase, because it always meant I was going to be spending the next four or five hours in some stupid fucking team building class. Well I'm using that phrase here today, and trust me, this ain't no team building exercise. Instead I want top talk to you about your expectations from two very important aspects in life: strippers and bartenders.

A bar that I tend to frequent down here, which shall ahem... remain nameless, has an all female bartending staff. Said female staff must wear bikini tops. Hence the customer draw. So without needing to use your imagination too much, you can understand that it takes a certain caliber of woman able to feel comfortable enough to wear a bikini while serving alcohol a bunch of drunken slobs that spend more time staring at the bartender's tits than they do the televisions. Furthermore, I'm sure you wouldn't be too shocked if I told you that most of said women are former strippers. I call these women, Striptenders. Now one would think working around crowded places with lots of booze would make strippers fantastic bartenders. And here's where I'm going to blow your fucking mind. Here's where I'm going to tell you that down equals up, black is white, and good is bad. The truth is, nothing could be further from the truth. Because here is where I tell you that strippers make horrible bartenders. Yes, it's true. I didn't want to believe it either. But that is the only conclusion that can be drawn after weeks of painstaking research performed by none other than yours truly. I've poured over my data, and have come up with a theory which I think explains this phenomenon. I'm going to share my findings with you now.

I believe the reason why strippers make horrible bartenders is, the behaviors necessary to succeed in either of these two occupations independently, are mutually exclusive of each other. Allow me to explain. A bartender should be like a busy little bee, buzzing around to all the different flowers (customers) and spreading pollen (beer). A bartender spends a little time talking to all of their customers, getting to know the regulars a little bit, and encouraging a little cross pollination between the bar's patrons. Maybe even gather everyone around for a cool bar trick or two. Yes, a good bartender certainly keeps their time evenly distributed among their entire flock.

So if a bartender is a bee, what does that make a stripper? A spider. At first they sit quietly in the shadows, surveying the crowd of potential victims and following some quick assessments of vulnerability vs payoff, they select their prey and silently move in. Once the victim is snared in their initial web (usually a lap dance) they begin to wrap their victim up in a cocoon and drain the life out of them. Nothing else matters to the spider when busy ensnaring their prey. And when a Striptender applies these ideals in a bartender capacity, the result can be nothing other than a catastrophe for it's patrons. Invariably, the Striptender will fixate on one of their patrons and ignore the rest. Beer glasses will go empty, food orders go untaken, tables will go uncleared, new customers will go ungreeted. All while the Striptender carries out their ritual of seduction with some poor bastard who only stopped in to have a beer.

I present to you, a case study. Let us examine the following profile of one of the Striptenders I have studied extensively. Where does this information come from? Uh yeah, that would be the Lee County Sheriff's Department website. Normally I'd just link the Striptender's arrest record right on the LCSO website, but since it contains such sensitive information as home address and telephone number -- something really I think they should not display -- I'm going to edit this information for broadcast.

striptender1 - striptender2 - striptender3 - striptender4 - striptender5

Now look, I'm all fucking for giving someone a second chance; let he who has not felt the cold embrace of a pair of handcuffs cast the first stone. But eleven felonies and nine misdemeanors? Uh.... yeah. But how does this come into play, one might ask? Well, let us draw a hypothetical comparison. Anyone who has ever patroned a strip club before will attest that at any given time a good portion of the strippers are fucked up. Drunk, high, coked up, whatever. And I don't know, perhaps that's one of the tools they use to cope with working in the industry. Far be it from me to judge. But impaired as they might be, they can still accomplish their job, which is to pretty much take their clothes off and show me their pussy for $1. Now, do you really want the person responsible for dishing out the booze to be drunk and coked up? Again, while one might initially embrace this idea, from my extensive research I can assure you the real answer is no. If the level of service from a sober Striptender is abysmal, the service from an impaired Striptender is just human wreckage.

So there you have it folks. Much to my surprise, going against everything I would have guessed, going against everything my male instincts were telling me; take it from me when I tell you strippers make shitty bartenders. I don't think they do it on purpose, I just think the two occupations require two very different skill sets. Each job requires a very different animal. One can not walk away from ten years of bring a bricklayer and expect to tame lions at the circus the next day. So all you bar owners out there take heed. Big tits will draw us in, but empty beer glasses will drive us out. Me? Good thing I only go for the NTN trivia.

Oh, and O'Malley told everyone else to fuck off and die. New challenge tomorrow.

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