E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Okay, now some of you have written in wondering when the site is going to get "back to normal" -- you know, the jokes, the tits, and the the other they've always been, which is what's forefront in my mind

And right now, I'd love nothing more than to hang this one particular camel abortion. Can you guess who? The sooner we cancel the check on his ass, the sooner we can get back our normal life.

Don't like it? Kiss my ballbag.

I can sure say one thing... all the graphic artists come out during a time like this. Thanks to brassknuckles and anim8ter for those. Hey maybe OJ is behind all this mess. No joke.

I don't know if any of you have received a copy of the letter written home by an AMERICAN (corrected!) sailor. But in case you're questioning it's authenticity, don't. Go Germany. Go England. And what the fuck, while I'm at it, go Canada.

What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid naive hemp-shirt-wearing college idiots, to teach them why force is sometimes needed:

1) Approach dumb rich ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying there should be, "no retaliation."

2) Engage in brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate.

3) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"

4) Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."

5) When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

6) When he gets back up to up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, "be awful and he should not cause more violence."

7) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional violence.

8) Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is necessary to hit back. Because if we don't, this is what the world will look like if the Taliban wins -- this and this and this and this.

As many of you know I travel on business frequently, and this week I have been ashamed of the American public. The airports are empty, everyone is afraid to fly. The stock market is dying, everyone is pulling their stuff out. The airlines have announced the layoff of approximately 100,000 people this week. Las Vegas is laying off the hotel and casino workers. Boeing is laying off 20,000 more.

This is all because Americans are cowering at home afraid to move. If we the public allow this to continue we will all be unemployed because this will snowball. If we allow this because we are cowards then we deserve it. I too have a heavy heart and grieve for those we've lost to senseless violence, however if we allow ourselves to be paralyzed by fear we have lost this war before it starts.

People say I did something I put up a Flag, I gave blood, I donated money or supplies etc.

But I say if you then go home and hide both your body and your money you've done nothing you are a coward. Go out and spend your money and be good consumers to make America strong again. America needs brave people to flourish. The country was founded by brave people not by cowards> too paralyzed to go about their normal life. I just can't believe how many people are being paralyzed by fear. All waiting for someone else or the government to make it all better. Remember this is a government OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, AND FOR THE PEOPLE.

That means YOU and ME.

So do something.

Hey do you remember this flag? Curious as to what happened to it? This outstanding Major climbed through into the wreckage and retrieved it, so it could be presented to the Commandant of the Marine Corps.

And this picture here? yeah it's a fucking fake so please stop sending the fucking thing to me.

Oh, and ah before I forget here are two pictures of Britney Spears tanning topless in Australia. Sorry no nip, but close enough to warrant a trip to the men's room for a few minutes. One. Two.

So I'm seeing more news reports about this country and that country pissing and moaning how the US should make sure there won't be any civilian casualties in the upcoming onslaught against the Taliban. How we should do everything in our power to keep the citizens of Afghanistan out of harms way. How the US should plan our attacks to minimize the risk to Afghan civilian life, even if it means it takes longer to find Osama bin Fuckface.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

It's *not* my fucking government's job to keep the citizens of our enemy safe -- that's *their* fucking government's job. And sorry folks, yes, I'll say it because it appears that nobody else has the balls to -- Afghanistan is our enemy. That fuck bin Laden has been funneling money to them since he fled there five fucking years ago. Sorry but that's the way it is. Their government supports, harbors, and trains terrorists. Terrorists are our enemy. Therefore they support our enemy, therefore they are our enemy and we must crush them. Plain and simple. Remember the board game Risk? Well, you either had allies or enemies. And the Taliban ain't our ally so you do the fucking math. They came looking for a fight and now the pricks got one.

Will there be civilian casualties? You bet your ass there will be. Will they be on purpose? I should hope not. I think we should take certain steps to keep their civilians casualties to an absolute minimum, but not at the expense of the safety of our own soldiers. Why, you ask? Because American soldiers are supposed give their lives defending our country, and that of our allies. Not that of our enemies.

Here's the way I see it. For fucking starters all these Afghan people are running balls to the wall towards their neighboring country's borders, in hopes of not getting killed in the upcoming conflict. But alas, the neighboring countries have closed their borders...gasp. Oh my goodness! Well here's a fucking clue people. Your borders have been open for the last ten fucking years so if you found yourself living among rubble and ruins before, you should have gotten the fuck out of Dodge before now cocksuckers. But you didn't so now you're stuck in your own shitstick country, which as we all know it's very existence is on a clock counting backwards. Will you flee north to where your previous, less oppressing government still holds 10% of the country and is fighting the Taliban as we speak?

What they'll folks, is set up their little stained canvas tents and herd their fucking livestock with all the ribs showing about 50 feet away from a fucking Taliban anti-aircraft battery.

And when the A-10's come ripping through at 400mph dropping cluster bombs to destroy these missiles, these fucking desert "innocent bystanders" will undoubtedly get caught up in the shit. And then we'll see these fucks on CNN telling us how all their fucking goats were killed by shrapnel so they can't get any fucking milk so now they're all gonna fucking starve. And then some high paid columnist from Los Angeles will write another fucking article on how the Afghan people were the victims. And then the peacemongers will hold their fucking protests and say how the US is some horrible nation that kills innocent people.

And the funny part is, we'll probably still be digging out our dead while they're doing it.

I'm sick and fucking tired about hearing how the poor Afghan people who are *living* amongst rubble inside of rubble. If recent memory serves me correctly, there are 7,000 Americans who aren't fucking living *at all*. So let's try keep our eye on the fucking ball here.

The basic flag of the Unites States is one of the world's oldest national flags. Only the basic flags of Austria, Denmark, Great Britain, The Netherlands, Sweden, and Switzerland are older.

During the discovery and settlement of our country, the flags of various European nations were flown over the land, as symbols of possession. Later, in the Colonial and Revolutionary War periods, flags representing famous persons, places, and events were flown in the American Colonies.

The first official flag of the nation was created by Congress on June 14, 1777. It consisted of 13 alternating red and white stripes and 13 white stars in a field of blue, representing the 13 colonies that had declared their independence in 1776. Congress adopted a new flag of 15 stars and 15 stripes in 1795, to give representation to the 2 new states admitted into the Union, Vermont and Kentucky.

By 1817, there were 20 states in the Union, and it became apparent that adding one stripe for each new state would destroy the shape of the flag. As a result, Congress in 1818 restored the original design of 13 stripes and provided that each state was to be represented by one star.

In 1912 President William H. Taft made the first official provision for the arrangement of the stars. He ordered that there be 6 even rows of 8 stars each. Previously the arrangement of the stars had been left to the flag maker's fancy.

The evolution of the Stars and Stripes reflects the miraculous growth of the country. After the admission of Hawaii into the Union in 1959, the flag was officially changed for the 26th time since its creation.

wipe your ass with bin laden's face
great collection of flag pictures
bin laden shooting gallery
more information on the american flag -- read it

If you bought $1000 in Nortel stock this time last year, it would be worth about $49 today.
If you bought $1000 of Budweiser beer this time last year, you could return the cans for $79.

I'm sorry, is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Here's some grave numbers. The international casualty count from other countries around the world.

Now here are two emails that I received about 30 minutes apart from each other, and it's pretty funny how they kind of compliment each other...

Heh. Two people who otherwise live at opposite sides of the social view spectrum, uniting together at what could be our darkest hour of need. Yep, this country is coming around I tell you. Coming around indeed, and when she comes full circle, oh there's gonna be some hell to pay. And we all know who's bank account we're gonna drink blood from when we do it.

Oh, one other thing. Since Old Glory is in short supply these days, I came up with a way for my team to show their support for the War on Terrorism at the office. Most Windows platforms include a screen saver called “3D Flying Objects” that allows you to choose a bitmap as the flying object. If you use the attached bitmap of the US Flag, your screen saver will be Old Glory flapping in the breeze. If you don’t like the way it appears that the flag is hung by the stripes, use the reverse image and it will look correct, viewed from the opposite side. Thanks Tom.

Really terrific Twin Towers Memorial Wallpaper -- 800x600 resolution.
Cartoon Time: Towers of Power - American Resolve - Complete the Puzzle - Your Cancelled Policy

Ya know, like the American public doesn't have enough to fucking worry about without some asshole politically correct CEO assmonkey actually *banning* American flags in the workplace because it might *offend* someone. Update! -- NCCI has been bitch slapped and have seen the errors of their ways and have made amends.

Looks like the ol US of A is getting ready to boil over to a real live in the history books war sometime very soon. Kind of scary, but hey, if the call comes we're all band together and kick some ass. And we'll be ready to hand out a can of Grade-A American Ass Whoopinwhen we do. You can count on that, so you better run you guilty motherfuckers, because You-Know-Who is back in town.

Just some more feedback from subscribers that I think it's important everyone should read about.

Now tell me EHOWA subscribers don't kick serious ass. Especially the chicks. And thanks to everyone from other countries for their support through these unspeakably difficult times.

PS -- will people *please* stop forwarding me that Nostradamous bullshit. It's a fucking hoax you .idiots

If you want American, let me tell you motherfucker, Elvis is about as American as you can possibly get without cutting up some apples or shooting someone.

Here's another website dedicated to information about the recent terrorist attacks. If you want to help there's a lot of good information on here too.

I don't have an American flag flying off my porch. I can't fucking find any. Every store I go to is sold out of them. For years people have been calling me too patriotic. "If I cut you Ernie, you'd bleed red white and blue." You're God damned right I would. Now it looks like the "I Love America Bandwagon" is getting pretty cozy up here. Damn glad to have you aboard, climb on, wave your flag and make sure your gun is loaded. There's extra ammo

Hey everyone give a EHOWA big round of applause for Congresswoman Barbara Lee -- the ONLY member of Congress to vote AGAINST authorizing the use of force when pursuing the terrosists. Great job! Way to show American unity, you dumb bitch!

Here are some views no one will ever be able to enjoy again... view 1 - view 2 - view 3...

all four verses to our national anthem - great flashwork on the victims
americans should know their enemy - lady liberty weeps for the fallen
i guess all scots aren't that bad - let's kill falwell and robertson

To Osama With Love!

Change if plans, I'll be staying around here this weekend, which will give me a good chance to respond to everyone who has written in, and to reflect upon recent events.

One. I am putting a bounty on Osama Bin Laden's head. Yeah I know the feds are offering up $5 million, and a German guy is offering $10 million, but theirs are for his capture, mine is for his head.

Secondly, there's a lot of violence against Arab-Americans here in the States, and that's just plain stupid. Don't do it. Focus your pain and anger at these motherfuckers where it belongs.

Have a good weekend, be safe, and normal jokes and website postings to return this Monday

Here's a link with some resources and links to help the survivors.

crying eagle - osama your ass is mine
firefighters restoring pride - future towers layout
what i want for christmas - because i've got a reputation to protect
ghosts remembered - stars and striped still stand
a view from lady liberty - osama your ass is grass
and a lady shall lead us - soon we all can relax at victory lake

I actually took this Tuesday morning off work, so that I could take my car in to get it's 5000 mile service. Traffic was a exceptionally bad, so I was flipping through the radio stations trying to find something to listen to. It seemed every station was talking and talking and talking about mundane crap as many morning radio stations often do. I finally settled on one and began to settle into the fact that I'd be creeping through traffic for the next hour. Then the morning show host mentioned how a co worker was running into the station... it seemd a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center.

Ha, I thought. Another bonehead tourist plane probably. The old building can take it, I thought. I remember reading that back in 19'some'odd when an Army Air Corp bomber crashed into the Empire State building in dense fog. Darwinism, I thought.

They finally got around to playing a few songs, which was a welcome break from the talking I had previous mentioned. Then the host breaks into music, right in the middle of a song, and states that a second plane, a big commercial motherfucker, had crashed into the World Trade Center also. At this point, I got angry. How dare they publicize such a stupid prank? How dare they? This isn't funny. This is horrible. I was actually contemplating picking up my cell phone and calling in to bitch someone out. And the thought occured to me... check another station. So I did. And they were talking about it too. And so was another. And another. This was for real.

I arrived at the dealership and there, in the customer lounge, were salesman, customers, managers, mechanics and receptionists all gathered around the television. There was an image of the peak of the World Trade Center Towers. There was a lot of smoke. People in the room were talking about terror and tragedy. After a few seconds later, the news media replayed footage of the second plane impact. I remember thinking that since he impacted the corner of the second tower, it looks like the guy missed his mark. I was somehow almost grateful. Imagine the loss of life if the whole fucking tower had come down in the impact.

We, a group of stunned and horrified people with only our American blood as a common thread, watched for a while longer. The coffee machine remained untouched. People were glued to the TV. Footage of victims and the rescue qorkers assisting them began to make their way around to the news media. Then the news broadcaster said they the windows in the building he was in shook. He heard a bang. He looked out of his window and saw people running away from the Pentagon. Hmmm. A car bombing maybe? Christ there's going to be a few hundred people killed in this attack, I thought.

Then the unthinkable happened. Right in the middle of Peter Jenning's sentence, right before my very eyes, the burning hulk that was once one of the two World Trade Center Towers, collapsed. Right before my very fucking eyes. There was dust, a mushroom cloud of it and the top of the tower just disappeared into it. It almost looked like it had been imploded, like you see on the Learning Channel late at night sometimes. It was gone, just like that. I can't imagine how many people died, right before my very fucking eyes. I turned to the gentleman sitting next to me, "is this really happening?" I asked. We were all stunned to find that one of the pilots of the hijacked planes lives in Dracut, Massachusetts. That's two towns over from where I live.

Surely the other one can't fall too. The media said that plane was much smaller, and it hit so much higher up. It can take the hit I thought. It'll be okay.

But I was wrong. Before too long, that tower collapsed too, killing with it not only the few thousand unfortunate souls still trapped inside but probably hundreds of rescue workers trying to aid the victims of the first crash. It's radio attenna on top dipped a bit, wavered left, and then too cascaded in a monster cloud of dust. And the news confirmed another plane had crashed into the Pentagon. I guess it wasn't a carbomb after all. Now all the airports are closed. And the railways. And they say another plane just crashed near Pittsburg. There is speculation that it didn't crash at all, but was rather shot down by Air Force fighters after the plane refused to respond to communication attempts and was headed directly towards Camp David. It's circulating now that perhaps that was just a rumor. God bless their souls either way. I fear the final body count in this whole ordeal, which in my uneducated estimates will climb into the tens of thousands.

Speculation is abound as to who is the root of all evil. The usual suspects turn up, as one might imagine. The news media is going through extraordinary steps of political correctness to not suggest any one of them is more or less likely to be the mastermind behind it, so as not to offend anyone.

Fuck that. We all know who is behind it. That tall, skinny, limping fuckhead Osama bin Laden. I know it, you know it, we all know it so let's cut to the fucking chase.

Some people say this is a time for restraint. I again reiterate my words of wisdom of, Fuck that. This is NOT a time for restraint. Restraint was yesterday. Today is a time for action. A time for downright coldhearted asskicking revenge. A time for retaliation justified ten thousand times. A time for stealth bombers and tomahawk missiles. A time for napalm. This is not a time for politicians to use words like 'dispicable' or 'cowardly'. I want them to use words like, "Yeah we found out who it was, and we kicked their fucking ass. We bombed them, we watched their families burn to death, watched their houses burn to the ground, and then I went and pissed on their ashes." I do not want my government to give a measured calculated response. Fuck that. I want them to react in a furious rage blinded by the visions of burned bodies on the streets of an American city and bomb any fucking person or persons or foreign government that ever did, does, or we suspect ever will coordinate a terrorist a

And to you Osama bin Laden, I tell you this. I may be stunned, I may be angry, I may be shocked, but I am NOT terrified. No, I drove home from my job today, which will be open tomorrow, and I drove through McDonalds and got a super sized Big Mac extra value meal. Business as usual. I continued on home, parked my car, and turned on my big fucking 65" television with which to watch the news. I am proud to say I am from Massachusetts and my Governor had the courage and wisdom to keep our voting polls open. Americans may grieve today, but we will excercise our right to vote and continue on our lives. Those were not just innocent people that you killed today, they were Americans. And one day, one day very soon, either I or another of my countrymen will slip a knife into your belly and twist it. We will watch as the energies of life slowly drain from your body. And then just before you die, I will place my mouth over yours, I will suck out your last breath and I will eat it.

Gotta go, have to give blood. God bless America. Glad you're safe SantaSam.

Help the victims