funny pictures
sexy videos
free webcams




E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

GO HOME BALL  -   articles - search - features - pictures - videos - tasteless - tits  -   WEBCAMS

jealous? click here to get your website on for as little as $5 per day


A little racy in the middle, but holds its own very well in the Tasteless Arena...

My boyfriend and I had a wonderful evening Tuesday; we watched a movie on cable and read our books naked, in silence, until 1:00 in the morning. I enjoy this silent sort of bonding we have; I think quite a few men bond in this fashion watching a football game or working on their motorcycles or cars together, and I feel honored that he would care to spend his reading time with me in silence as apposed to in front of the TV on the couch. I was reading She's Come Undone, by Wally Lamb. He was reading a Harry Potter book. No offense to Harry Potter books, but my boyfriend is 33 years old, and he just got finished reading an Ursula LeGuinn novel called The Disposessed.

I figure he's just reading it to get a quick read in, right? I don't want to say anything about the Harry Potter novel, because he's in a sensitive spot right now; he's kind of been out of work for almost three weeks, and he's kind of having a hard time finding a carpentry job out here. He tells me what's on Oprah every day, though, which is a plus (although yesterday's topic was about self-motivating, and neither one of us can seem to do that). And, he does the dishes and the laundry between his numerous phone calls to contractors, giving them the usual speech about how he's a carpenter, he's new to the area, would really like to.. blah blah blah. He does a bit of grocery shopping; why today, he'll go to Sam's Club and even get me that case of motor oil I requested so I can continue to keep oil in my beat-up Jetta.

I can't wait for him to get a job again, though, because I know between my whining and his depression, he's himself crazy. Besides, my white underwear is pink now.

So there we are, naked, reading, enjoying each others' warm bodies next to each other in the bed, reading stories about Harry Potter and Dolores Price. As 1:00 begins to show its face, I realize I must be up early in the morning to return to my shit-hole job in this small fucking town, making 11 bucks an hour to hear criminals bitch at me and listen to old people explain exactly how they were hit from behind. In the morning, my boyfriend will get up with me, make a pot of coffee, smoke a cigarrette, and listen to me bitch in the shower while he goes though last night's evening paper once more to make sure there wasn't a job he missed...God, did I just go off on another tangent?

Anyway, I reach over, turn my reading lamp off, and curl up next to him under the covers. He decides it's his bedtime too, so he also turns the lamp off on his side of the bed and lays back, arms and legs stretching out across the bed.

I know I'm tired, but I can't help but feel pangs of horniness begin to swell up in my nether region. I want cock ramming me in and out, in and out in...he's nodding off! Quick! What is a girl to do?! Just because he's unemployed doesn't mean he can't put out, right? It's been a week since the last time he threw it to me, so obviously I MUST be dying for it, right? It shouldn't matter that I'm having my PERIOD, right??? Slowly, I begin to kiss him gently, first his cheeks and his neck, then slowly down to his nipples. I tug at his left nipple gently with my teeth. He reacts. He begins stretching once again, saying, "Oh, ah, that's really...nice...," and I continue to kiss and nibble until I reach his now throbbing cock.

I start by kissing the tip; he goes nuts when I do that. I lick it on the sides, lick the top like a pop-cicle, and then slowly engulf his huge member inside my mouth, making it dart in and out between my lips. I gently fondle his balls and press on his 'taint, which he must REALLY like, because he wiggles a little bit when I do that and moans. After I've done that for a little while, I begin to tweak his nipples, and he'll start sucking in air quickly, shuddering a little bit while I'm bearing down on his cock, really beginning to suck it. Sometimes I'll even stick a finger up his ass, but not tonight.

After I've been the cock-tease for about 10 minutes, I'll go ahead and bear my huge 40DD breasts to him; he likes it when I straddle him and let them swing over his face, so he can nuzzle in them and suck each nipple like a child. He'll start playing with my ass, too while he's doing all that, and I'm so wet and engorged with want of cock, I'll begin to moan, and tell him, "I want you to fuck me. You know it's what we really want." It drives him absolutely NUTS to hear me talk like a porn star. He feels inside my panties and discovers the maxi-pad I have worn to bed (it's just not healthy to sleep in tampons). He looks at me and says, "But, honey..." I say, "Baby, it's not that bad. I'm hardly bleeding." He says, "Are you sure?" and I say, "Of course."

He slides my panties to the side, and slips his cock inside of me. I was more wet than usual, so I have to use the words "slide," and "slip." So he's slipping and sliding, in and out of me, and I wasn't getting off. I was becoming frustrated. He can see how upset this is all making me, because he loves it when he can watch me cum. He instructs me to get off of him, and follow him to the shower. He turns it on, and lets the water get piping hot while he sucks on my tits and fingers my clit a little to try to keep me aroused before we get into the shower. So, I get in there, and he gets behind me, and he takes the showerhead off of the shower thing, and while he's licking my slit up and down, he's running the shower head over me in case I start bleeding again. Girls, guys, you HAVE to try this!

Soon, his horniness is overcoming him; he slams me up against the shower wall and shoves his huge cock right into my ass while he uses the shower head on my clit. I came so hard, the muscles in my cunt began to flex and spurt out big clots of blood. Mind you, no constant bleeding, just clumps. This was not what my dear heart had in mind. He pulled out of my ass quickly and stumbled out of the shower. "My God, Baby, what is WRONG?" I shout, and soon he is over the toilet bowl vomiting. What did I do? I keep thinking, and he keeps puking. I notice the clumps down in the shower, and begin to cry. I've ruined our sex life by wanting to do it on the rag!

He apologized to me over and over again, and kept trying to explain his weak stomach and what he saw without sounding crude. I didn't speak to him at all on Wedesday, even though my period stopped that morning. I cleaned the bathroom that night when I got home from work, throwing away every shred of menstrual evidence I could find: pads, tampons, the trash in the trash can... and just went to bed completely silent. I didn't even mention to him that my period was gone. I just wanted my vibrator and a beer. When he crawled into bed that night next to me (which surprised me), I was already asleep.

I was dreaming that I was being chased by a man in a suit with a painted face. I was in our house, but my boyfriend wasn't there. I ran from room to room, making sure the man in the suit was not in my house. I locked the front door. I ran to the back door and when I went to close and lock it, the man in the suit jumped up and barked at me like a dog; this scared me. I woke up in tears. My boyfriend was lying there. I drifted back to sleep, not wanting him to see my tears or that I had a bad dream.

I was dreaming that my boyfriend and I were having a quicky sex sesh at my friend's wedding when it was he that woke me up this time, with his lips feverently sucking at my cunt at 7:00 in the morning, riling me up for another fuck fest of nearly the same ecstatic magnitude of Wednesday.

So what he hasn't found a job yet: "My love don't cost a thing." So what he kinda barfed when I queefed blood clots out of my cunt: periods come and go, but the man can stay. The moral of the story: If you can handle surfing the crimson tide, go right ahead. But don't expect that your boyfriend really wants to.

credit given to original author if known

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

... more ...


all other materials are property of their respective owners!