E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
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Today, my first day off for a week, the SR and I decide to go out.
It's a nice day, although I'm supposed to stay out of the sun, and we
head down to town.
credit given to original author if known
Now, there are pedestrians who are complete assholes. This is a fact
of life. However, one of the types of peds I cannot abide, is the
"don't know, don't care" asswipe wiggers who wanna saunter across the
road like someone owes them actual respect. Traffic was slowing at a
major intersection we were approaching, although the light had chaned
and we were set to move ahead, and wigger-boy decided he was gonna
pull this shit, right in front of my car. Error #1.
So I lean out the window, and shout "Hey! Can you hurry it the fuck
up, sonny?" Of course, the wigger had to trot out the "'tude" and look
like a complete idiot while he said "Whut!??" I repeated the inquiry,
after which he uttered a "fuck you" and offered the bird to the SR and
I. By this time, I was insensed! What a little dickhead, wearing the
latest, hippest clothes that were no doubt purchased via mommy and
daddy's Platinum Visa to keep jr. happy.
So, instead of realizing he's outclassed, and fucking off, what does
the little bastard do? *Spits* on the SR in the passenger seat as he's
dawdling along. Error #2. That's it, he's fuckin' meat. The tires
squeal as I brake to a full halt. The seatbelt flies off in one
practiced motion and I'm outta the car in the middle of the fuckin
road. I'm seeing red from the bloodlust. The really funny part of it
is, when the tires chirped, the little fuckrag looked like he was
gonna make lemonade in his pants as he scrambled for the safety of the
sidewalk. Too late, shithead, you opened the Box, here I come!
I jump out, a grimace of pleasure on my face as I look at this little
shithead's facade crumble into a look of complete astonishment. What?
Someone is challanging the superiority of youth?? What?? He couldn't
quite run fast enough. I'm a big boy, but I surprise the *shit* out of
people with how fast I can sprint. I grab the little fuckstain by his
designer named nylon warm up jacket, look him in the eye and tell him
one thing and one thing only; "You're gonna fuckin' *die*" Not
yelling, just intense and filled with suffused rage. I pull into my
alter ego with a grin, which seemed to puzzle the kid even more, and
then the fun really began.
From that point, it was all pretty textbook. A jerk on the lapels of
the warm up jacket, pull the shit forward with a classic headbutt
(tylenol afterwards, I assure you) with another jerk to bring his face
to my knee for dicipline, followed up by the good ol' "nutter" move.
While dickwad was gasping for breath, I ran him to the side of the
car, where the SR sat, still wiping spittle from her hair and face,
visibly upset at the turn of events. *WHAM* Ooops! So fucking sorry
your Brylcream-greasy hair met the edge of the roof/door, shitbrains!
The fucker, now completely dazed, and knowing that he's fucked up in a
major way with someone he should never have crossed, is now *my*
property. I utter lines guaranteed to fuck his little adolescent head
into oblivon. Statements like; "Suffering is the coin of my realm! You
*will* pay for your transgression with a bounty of _pain_!" And so
forth. ;-) Another whack of his head into the door jamb of the car and
I grabbed his scrawny neck, which is easy, given my vocation and the
fact that I have very large, powerful hands with thick fingers.
I hold Mr. Shitsmear by the neck, squeezing slowly, but inexorably. I
point his fetid mug towards the SR and tell him through gritted teeth
and still with the same understated fury; "Apologize, shitrag. NOW! If
you don't, I'm gonna force you to your fuckin' *knees* to do it while
I kick the shit outta you and for a 1000 years you'll wish you were
Lo and behold, gentle reader, he did *exactly* as I bade him. he
looked at he SR and uttered a humble apology, near the verge of tears.
It did this old Cenobite's fetid, withered and blackened heart a
little good to know that the ignorance of youth can be countered,
pushed back and tempered with reason and good manners.
Upon his utterance, I pulled him close, face to face, as if to kiss
him. I said; "Never.. EVER, be such a fuckhead again, BOY. For if you
do, I'll make it my personal mission to eradicate your pussified,
upper class ass." and released him. He shook, wiped the blood from his
nose and felt the rising bump on his forehead as he hustled to the
mall he was originally headed for, prolly to meet up with his skanky
'ho gf or steal stuff. Fuck him and all those like him. May they rot
in my corner of Hell forever.
ObT: The cops haven't shown up yet. I dunno if anyone bothered
reporting the incident or not, since most people seemed to be casually
looking the other way. If I wind up in the can for my actions, you all
will be the first to know, I promise. I keep looking out my window for
the cruiser to pull into the driveway. It just goes to show though,
you can say/do what you will to me, but once you spit or (whatever) on
my *wife* your ass is fucking grass, and I'm the lawnmower from Hell.
ObT2: Don't take no shit off the kiddies. That's what they count on,
their so-called "rights" as they piss on everyone and everything you
~~ Pinhead ~~