E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Gawd, I loved majoring in biology. Too bad my grades sucked and I changed to business. The lab projects were more fun than the entire debit and credits. And speaking of credits, in Vertebrate Zoology we could earn extra credit by bringing in the fresh skull of a warm blooded specie. Not just any old dirty piece of boned brainbucket, but a new one, clean and bright, fit for display.

My fraternity brother Greg and I pondered our sources for specimen samples over a few beers one afternoon. A taste for roadkill set upon us, and we proceeded out with the idea for improving our grade point average.

Inventorying our portable laboratory equipment in the trunk of my car, we could choose from an axe or a crow bar. To that we added a lab apron, Playtex (TM) Living Gloves, some industrial size green bean cans from the dining hall dumpster, and some lye.

South Georgia highways were generally filled with roadkill, and the idea was to find something small, easy, and not too smelly. And if there were no fresh kills, hell, we'd run us one down. Greg claimed the first prize, which was a rabbit. After sniffing it for freshness and checking for tire marks on the fur, he flung it into his bean can and announced that he had his specimen.

Further down Hwy 46, I slowed as I approached this lump on the shoulder. Ahhhh yes, a nice yellow dog, darwinized as he was trying to cross the road. Lucky me, still fresh enough! Can't say much for the balls and ass portion, but at least whatever did him in, knocked him into the grass in the front yard of a mobile home where it's head couldn't get smashed over.

I measured Yeller for my bean can ... Hmmmm ... whole dog won't fit in this can. I needed a bigger can, ... or a smaller dog. Therefore, this one required an immediate spinal adjustment before transporting it back for cleaning. Young Dr. BigSqUeeZe, Chiropractor.. Yeah, right!

I noticed some yardsprogs playing in front of the trailer and wondered if earlier they had patted Old Yeller on the head and fed him his last bone. I chuckled thinking maybe Old Yeller had playfully tackled one of the sproglets by the leg and tried to slip him the pinkbone instead.

Gloved, and donning my rubber lab apron, in classic bio-black, I looked down at the axe .. then back at Old Yeller .. then back at the axe ...

WHACK! !

Shitfire! ... Dull glubdamn axe. Why ain't there a good chainsaw around when you need one?

A few more whacks and off rolled the head. Strips of chopped dog fur dangled, dripping doggie slobber that drained out of the other end of the neck. The tongue hung out the side, so I lopped it off too, since I didn't need it. Grabbing Old Yeller by the ears, I held him up so Greg could see. The yardsprogs saw it too.

Lumbering back to the car with doghead in one hand, the axe in the other, I jammed Old Yeller in my bean can. By that time, the yardsprogs were going apeshit, screaming and hollering. I left Rover's remains on the road and figured they could play with what was left. On the way home we toasted our project's success and quaffed a few more Pabst Blue Ribbons.

Back in the college's landfill, a/k/a/ trashdump, we built a nice fire with the idea of boiling our heads for a while in lye to get them ready for cleaning. Hair sizzled as the skulls stewed. More Pabst as a ceremonial can was poured into our boil for good measure. Good thing there was plenty of beers cause that shit stunk.

We'd both had practice in picking barbecue before, but pickin' doggiecue off Old Yeller was a new experience. Had to be damn careful not to scar the skull as I scraped the meat away. What was worse, I had to fight the temptation to sneak a taste. I had looked around for an ant bed but didn't see any. Woulda been nice to have some help from Mother Nature.

After cleaning, our specimens sat on the ledge outside the dorm room window, until the stink went away. When it rained, the last of the doggie stock dripped from the ledge onto the students below exiting the dorm.

I looked forward to experiments in Anatomy and Physiology. Too fuckin' bad I changed majors first.

-- BigSqUeeZe