E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Let me tell you about my adventure last night

I went to the bar to sit and have a few drinks while I talked to a female-friend that I've known forever and ended up drinking till about 12. Now, midnight may not seem like all that late, but I'm the kind of person who is usually in bed by 10:30 and I don't drink very often. After midnight I switched to coffee... probably a wise move considering what was yet to come. At 2 a.m., my friend, who also happened to be the bartender at this bar announced last call.

The bar was basically empty at this point. There was just 2 other people left, one old black man who was hitting-on a young lady, young enough to be his daughter. She was enjoying the free drinks and thwarting off his attempts to get her to go home with him. Then, my dear old friend, who also happens to be a very single, very hot red-head, asked me to follow her home because she was really tired and she was afraid of falling asleep at the wheel. I thought, lame excuse... Sure, I'll follow you.

We stood outside the bar in the dimly lit parking lot for a few minutes discussing directions to her new house. I had yet to visit her at the new house and as such, I needed directions. After I assured her that I could get there, we each hopped into our cars and set off. Her house wasn't very far away, but, in this town, nothing is very far away. As we were driving to her house, she blew through a light that I couldn't make.

In my old age, I'm becoming a more conservative driver. Even at almost Three a.m., I wasn't about to run a red light. Besides, I thought I knew the directions pretty well because we had gone over them at the bar. Just a few more turns and I would be there. I was 3 blocks away from her house when I turned a corner and ran over a cat. Just my luck! And to top it off, there was a cop sitting at the same corner! After I rolled on about 100 feet further, he turned on his lights and signaled me to stop.

So, I did.

He walks up to the car and says, "Son, do you realize you just ran over a cat?" Now, I'm sure we all do this as a cop walks up to the side of the car. I watched him approach in the side-view mirror. As he got closer and closer, I tried to determine several things:

1) was I still drunk

2) is this one of those hard ass cops who wouldn't give his own mother a break (As if you can tell that sort of thing from examining if the cop's belt buckle is shiny or the way his shirt is tucked in)

3) did I have my driver's license with me

4) what the hell did I do wrong.

I said, "Well, Sir, I thought I heard something".... Playing stupid. I knew damn well that I ran it over. Then the cop says, "Well, son, don't you think you should go back and see if it is alright?" Not wanting to get him upset, and having VERY little concern for the cat, I said, "Err, yes?" I didn't want to know if I was still legally drunk or not.... Preferred to leave it a mystery. The cop, signaling me with his flashlight, says, "Come-on, let's go see." So, I get out of the car and walk back with the cop making sure that I was walking as best that I could; I still felt just a little wobbly. We got back to the cat and it was flat like a pancake.

Dead... No doubt about it!

It wasn't an orange tabby or anything cute like that; instead, this cat had no color in particular that dominated. It was kind of orange-gray-brown-black-white and mixed all together. Imagine, if you will, if you were to shave a skunk, a squirrel, a ferret and a goat, then mix all of the fur together in a bucket and then glue it to a cat and you will have the general picture. The cat was ugly before it was hit. Or, at least I believe it had to have been. The left ear was half torn off, probably from a fight. I could tell the ear was an old injury, as the tires of my car did not squish the cat's head.

The patchy spots on his face and neck suggested that the animal had been battling fleas for most of its life. The cop says, "Well, son", he seemed to like calling me son, "What do you suppose you should do about this?" I had no clue what he was getting at so, with a little smile, I said, "Move it to the grass?" He about blew up as he screamed at me. "This could be some little girl's pet," he says. "Do you have any kids? What do you suppose your son/daughter would do if they walked to school in the morning and found their little 'fluffy' on the grass... squished?"

Man, I felt low. So, I said, "What should I do officer"... I was so tempted to say "ociffer", but didn't (probably the smartest decision I made all night). He says, "I think you should go knock on doors until you find the owner." I looked down at my beeper (Cops think that anyone who carries a beeper is dealing drugs), saw that the time was 3am and, because I was afraid of a DUI, I decided to do what he said.

I started to walk up to the door of the house nearest where the cat lay and the officer cleared his throat, "hhhmmm huumm." I turned back around to see what the deal was and he pointed at the cat. I knew; I don't know how I knew; but I knew he wanted me to pick it up and carry it to the door with me. So, I went back, picked up the cat by the tail and as soon as I did so this thick pus that looked like a mixture of blood and fuck knows what -- bile whatver starts running out of this cat's mouth and pooling up on the concrete. it spooked me and I almost dropped this fucking thing and spun around, flailing the cat behind me.

I was already woozy from the booze I had that night and doidn't need this cat's still steaming inner organs helping me along. Never the less, I carried it up to the house. I rapped on the door. After about an eternity that was about 30 seconds long, nobody answered the door so, I turned to walk to the next house. The cop clears his throat again, points at the door and says, "Give it a good bang... people are sleeping, you gotta wake em up ...give em some time to get to the door."

I was incredulous at this point but I went back up and banged again.... Praying that this was the house where the cat lived and hoping that it wasn't.

I banged harder. After about a minute, an old guy in boxer shorts with a beer belly hanging over them came to the door. I held up the cat and said, "Excuse me for interrupting your sleep but, I ran over this cat and I was wondering if it belonged to you." He reached down his shorts and adjusted the package and rubbed his eyes looking through the screen door like he was trying to see the color of the cats eyes, one of which was kind of bulging out of it's socket at this point. He was really looking close at the cat and luckily didn't notice the pile of goo that was congealing on his porch. Then he says, "NO, get off my porch!" Then he slammed the door.

Well, off to the next house.... The cop was right behind me but never came up off of the sidewalk. I kind of felt like a little kid trick-or-treating with Dad, watching nervously from the sidewalk and collecting beers at the houses of the neighbors that he knew. That was kind of a tradition on my street. The parents would get their treats in the form of beer as they walked us kids from house to house complaining about how this particular Halloween was much colder than any in the past. I banged on the door. The TV was on. Good sign. Seconds later a kid who must have been about 15 years old answered the door.

I held up the cat again and asked the question. He said, "Dude, that is gross... it ain't mine." Knowing that kids keep track of stupid things like where neighborhood cats live, I asked if he knew where it lived. He said he wasn't sure, but there was a lady three-doors-down who had about 50 cats. Isn't there always a lady like that in EVERY neighborhood?

Anyway, I turned to the cop and said, "That seems like our best bet... can we skip 2 houses and check that one?" The cop indicated that this would be fine by giving a tilt of his head in the direction of the Cat-Lady-House and whisking my feet along with the light of his flashlight. Other than that brief moment where his flashlight was shining at my feet, the whole time I was talking to him, he was shining that blinding flashlight right in my eyes.

Asshole!

We walked over to the house. I knocked on the door. About 1 min later, a light came on upstairs then a few seconds later, a light downstairs. I knocked again, a little lighter this time another minute goes by (a minute = an HOUR when you are doing something this stupid). Then, the porch light comes on and the door swings open. Immediately upon the door opening, three cats ran out and stopped at my feet sniffing at the blood that had dripped on my shoes. I held up the cat and looked, at the lady.

She was about 45 years old, wrapped in a dirty-white bathrobe, curlers in her hair, cigarette dangling from her lips, not lit. Got the picture? Well, I could barely squeeze out the words, "Ma'am, I ran over this cat at the corner and the neighbor kid thought it might be one of yours...." The words trailed off like when I had to tell my father that I had failed algebra in high school.

I thought the first guy looked at the cat close. This lady was definitely trying to tell what color the cat's eyes were.... That was how close she squinted at the cat. After a second or two, she says, "Well, yes, I think it is." I could see a tear welling up in her eyes. I really felt like a heel at this point.

Here I was, holding up her cat like it was just any old road-kill. I said, "Ma'am, I feel really bad... is there anything that I can do?" She wipes the tear and says, "Gee, I don't know." Feeling uncomfortable, I started to back away on the porch.

THE COP WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME. He puts the flashlight in my back as if to say, "You're not going anywhere son."

I looked back at the lady; she says, "you know, cat food and litter is expensive. If you could give me... say... $20? We could forget the whole thing."

Wanting nothing more than to get out of there and sure that my friend was worried sick because I had not made it to her house yet, I agreed. I dug $20 out of my wallet and handed it to the lady, who stuffed it into her robe pocket and promptly shut the door.

I turned to the cop half confused and expecting him to slap the cuff on me or something but much to my suprise he was already walking down the sidewalk towards my car. When I got there with him, he demanded my my license and registration and went back to his cruiser for about three minutes. I dunno, maybe he thought I was a cat serial killer or something. I see him talking on the radio and stuff and he comes back after about three minutes.

"I'm not going to give you a ticket son." I was fucking stoked! I felt like giving him a kiss right there but much like the "occifer" comment I'm glad i didn't push my luck. Hel tell sme to drive safe and pay attention and sends me on my way.

That was the single weirdest night of my life.

ObT... I did end up scoring with that hot red head chick, and didn't wash my hands first either.